Please help me :’(

[sarahsmith2022]

Im not sure if this post will get deleted as seems to be most of them do for some reason, I’m new here so not sure how it works. I’m at my breaking point. I’ve had enough of the daily anxiety & worry I feel I can’t function. I’ve been suffering with severe depression & anxiety since my mum getting ill with brain cancer when I was 14 & then passing when I was 17. She was my rock. I’ve had little to no support / guidance since. I’m now 21, I found out in October 2021 - October 11th to be exact I was pregnant. Two days later - October 13th I went for a private early ultrasound to know exactly how far along I was, I worked the dating of pregnancy out to be around 6 weeks before attending, going by the lmp even though I really can’t remember this period now & I have longer cycles.  It says on my Flo (period app) I logged 2 periods at the end of July & august but now I don’t remember either. I was told I was not as far along as I thought at the scan, just under 5 weeks they said & expecting twins. I believe only gestation sacs & yolk sacs were visible & they suggested I come back in 10 days for a follow up I’m assuming to check for a fetal pole so I’m not even sure if embryo was developed yet. This would mean conception took place a month prior by my current partner which I told myself at the time, until my mind came up with other ideas. I had a drunken one night stand with someone else older than me with multiple children already & who is also a twin himself on the 11th July.  Now I can’t seem to get this idea / fear out my head that if fertilisation took place then, the eggs might not of implanted themselves for a couple of months & I don’t know which doctor I could confide in regarding this as I don’t have a doctor that deals with just me & im sure they would just know general health related questions not how the reproductive system works so I haven’t had a professional yet correct me on this. All this time I’ve been told I’m having fraternal twins due to them having separate sacs & placentas so that would mean I had released two eggs yet now I’m reading there’s a 30% chance them still being identical meaning it’s possible it came from the father. And as I said before the mistake of a one night stand guy is a twin himself funnily enough. My current partner is 27 he’s 6 years older than me & has been sexually active a long time & claims he’s never got a girl pregnant so this also makes me doubtful. I’m so sick of stressing & worrying all the time, I’ve been through enough from a young age this should be a happy time for me. And I love my partner & now feel I stand to lose it all as without him I have no one that truly cares & no support. This is truly terrifying for me being my first pregnancy especially having twins & these doubts. I truly hate myself so much for not being strong enough to make better decisions when I know better & letting depression get the better of me. I feel so alone, defeated & feel like just ending it all.  

[AnnieBrooke]

It sounds like you believe the father can pass along the tendency for twins. It doesn't work like that. Fraternals come from the mother's side (you need to be able to pop out two eggs in one cycle, and that does not come from some guy's sperm), and identical twins just sometimes happen because the embryo takes a notion to split in the early days of development. Neither thing is passed on by the father.

As we said when you posted before, the drunken sex two months earlier had nothing to do with your babies. The ultrasound would not have just seen sacs.  

Please talk to your doctor (any doctor) and tell them you are having high levels of stress and prenatal anxiety and feel like ending it all, and get in to see a therapist. This is serious. You don't have a problem with paternity, the father is obviously not the drunk twin with lots of other kids from months too early. But you do have a big problem with anxiety, and need real help with it.

[sarahsmith2022]

Thankyou for taking the time to respond I really appreciate it, I really have no one to confide in who I can trust. My mum was always that person. She passed no judgement & always had my back. It’s so hard keeping it all in feel like I’m going to explode :’(

[AnnieBrooke]

Again, tell your doctor(s). Prenatal anxiety is a thing, they will not treat it as unimportant. Many ob/gyn practices have a connection to someone who does counseling (it is important when someone loses a pregnancy, for example) and you might even be able to talk to someone right in the same practice where you go for your regular pregnancy appointments.

If you don't believe me about twins, just look up "does the father produce twins or the mother" or other similar question on Google. I already knew about this and could have answered it off the top of my head, but thought it would be wise to check, and I was right. Twins don't come from the father. The tendency to produce two eggs in one cycle comes from you, not from the guy. And identicals are totally luck of the draw, that one is up to the embryo itself and is not influenced by genetics.

Now seriously, call in and say you need to see a counselor immediately. My experience with a relative who was very down is that if "doing away with oneself" is mentioned, it will get you to a counselor fast.

[AnnieBrooke]

It's midnight where I am, and the Community Leaders on this site are all volunteers. I've got an early meeting in the morning, so if I don't answer further, it's because I can't stay up or I'll miss the meeting. I'll check in tomorrow afternoon to see how you did with finding counseling help.