Can anyone help?

[MelRose1696]

I don't know for sure what's wrong with me. Although I believe that it's depression. The only problem is that these feelings I have have lasted for over 7 years, and I'm only 17. I'm not going to go into the whole story, but lets just say that when I was eight I made a decision that changed my life and the lives of my family (and not for the good either).

I don't really know how to describe it. It's so ingrained in me that I can hardly separate it from who I really am. Mostly just sadness. All the time. It's like being trapped between two walls as they start sliding together, crushing me little by little. My mom says I'm just lazy, and most times I believe her. I have no motivation or desire to do much of anything beyond sleeping and escaping reality through music, video games, and books. I have pretty much no social life. I don't take very good care of myself because I just don't see the point. There’s nobody to look nice for and I'll probably never have anyone. I spend the majority of my time alone. And even though my best friend lives right next door I never have the energy to get up and go see her. I get irritated incredibly easily. In fact, if things don’t go right I usually end up just getting frustrated and snapping at people who get too close or say too much.

I always wear a hoodie. In fact, it never comes off unless I put it in the washing machine. My mother has to forcibly remove it or sneak it away next time she goes to wash it. I call it a lifeline. She calls it a wall, something to hide behind.

I’m incredibly anti-social. I have a hard time making conversation with anyone. I mostly just stutter and hope they go away. The people I do have I worry about constantly. I worry that they are angry with me too the point that they actually become angry with me. It gets on their nerves after a while. I just can’t stand the not knowing.

I can’t deal with reality. I don’t see the point of it all. And although I’ve only seriously considered suicide one time, I can’t shake the worthless feeling that I have. The feeling that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around. I hate the world, and I hate myself. I don’t feel like I have a purpose or anything to contribute. The only reason I’m hanging on is because I’m afraid of what comes after death, and I think it would crush my mother if I just upped and offed myself.

I’m unhappy a majority of the time, with bursts of semi-okay states here and there but they never last. I always end up right back in the same slump I’m always in. I’ve told my parents about how I feel, but I don’t think they seem to understand how much this is affecting my life. In fact my dad mocks me about my “crippling depression” flaring up. My mother preaches to me about my grades but I can’t seem to make her see that I can’t care about my grades when I don’t care about myself. When it’s a struggle just to get out of bed every morning.

But the most scary thing is my lack of memory. (I only include this because I read it is a symptom of depression.) I forget things so easily. Like this one time, my first block teacher asked me what my second block teacher’s name was so she could email him about a makeup test, and for a minute I couldn’t find the name. It was scary, grasping around for a name that I knew but couldn’t find. I can memorize a song in five minutes. I can recite dialog from video games, movies, and books perfectly. But I couldn’t remember my teacher’s name? A person I see on a regular basis? It was frightening to say the least.

I can’t concentrate easily, unless it’s a book or a videogame, then I focus in with intensity I wish I had for other things. Like writing. I love to write, but I lack the will or the motivation or the caring to finish anything I start. That’s my problem. I start out excited and ready to DO things but all of my plans fall through when my motivation simply ceases to be.

The worst part is that I don’t know how to change. My mother keeps telling me that something has to change or I’m going to ruin my life. And she is right. I’m a senior in high school and I’m failing all of my classes. I’m not going to be able to graduate because I’m doing so bad. And I’m only doing the same thing I always do, sweep the problem under the rug and say I’ll deal with it later. I think it’s a defense mechanism but I can’t be sure.

I’m tired of feeling this way but I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how get help. That’s all I really wanted anyway. Help and support from somebody who understands that this is killing me. Slowly but surely. I just can’t find it in myself to care about anything or anyone. I would go to a psychologist or something, if I could afford one. But I can’t. Please, anyone who reads this, just take five seconds to tell me that things are going to get better, because I just don’t have what it takes to keep going on like this.

Thank you for listening to my rambling and have a good day.

[Anneinside]

You could start with your school guidance counselor. Tell him or her that you are depressed and want to see a pdoc but your parents don't see this as a problem. The counselor can contact your parents, have a meeting, and make a plan.

[iamincommand]

it is depression. but u still have a better life, i get beaten up for being anti-social, and if i try to prove my point. i dont see any good in anything now.

see, u simply cant afford medical advice, but i can. once i did, and i was beaten up.

i tried suicide & failed in that too. I'm just not goog at anything.

i need advice for myself too. if anybody reads my post, or comments here. please i'm in dire need.

my family will continue to physically abuse me, i need motivation, will power, i want to become strong.
thank u.

[violet_genration98]

I believe this is Depression; I suffer from these symptoms and I live in the UK. Seeing a councillor will help you get back on track and motivation can creep back up to help with school work. I hope verything goes okay. xxx

[CRSeaside]

Hi Melrose. Please check the DBSA web site. They offer free Support Groups
In every major city in the USA.
  I watched a movie you may like called "what's up must come down". There is an actress who wears a hoodie. You may like the movie. Pamela

[007Bunny]

Hi, You sound depressed if not bipolar. You really need a specialist and rather psychiatrist than psychologist. It is very hard to live like that :(.
I am not from US so don't know how you can find help for free but you need help. Are there at least any support groups you could attend and talk to others? Any charities who could help you? School nurse or so?
Please do not wait any longer. With the right medication you will be a different person. It obviously takes some time to udjust all meds right but it is worth it. Please search for help and fon't stop unless you find it.
Hard - I know. But it won't go away on its own :(.
Been there. All the best. Marie