Aa
Confused... sorry this is long... please read...
I feel incredibly stupid writing on here, but anyway...
I am a 20 year old female, I think I may have some form of depression and/or anxiety disorder but I’ve been denying having any issues at all until I’m blue in the face, much to the annoyance of my boyfriend and mother.
I am a nursing student (slightly ironic I suppose) and for the past 18 months I feel like I have changed... I am simply not myself anymore, I feel as though my life has sort of crumbled all around me and I’m trying to stick all of the pieces back together whilst more collapses.
I used to be an out-going, fun-loving girl, I loved to laugh and make others laugh. I was never afraid of a challenge or scared to try new things. I was always slightly more of a worrier than most (from a young age) but only about rational things such as upcoming exams etc. I was also a terrible nail biter and a bit of a pessimist, but I had always been that way.
However about 18 months ago I started feeling a little low and just a bit “out of sorts”... this lasted for about 3 or 4 months and I simply assumed it was because I was starting a new course, a new city etc. However I then went on to have my first panic attack (I didn’t realise this was what it was at the time though). They became more frequent and I would often have mini ones everyday and a major one every week/10 days. I began to feel incredibly nauseous and would often vomit. This was accompanied by becoming very tearful for no reason and the “low feeling” became 100 times worse. I would often have to run out of lectures to vomit. However after about 4 months, the panic attacks went away... BUT I feel I have been left with almost a constant feeling of panic/worry/unease.
I tend to panic “internally” and quietly to myself, as in if you didn’t know me you probably wouldn’t notice... however my boyfriend and mother found it very noticeable. I often begin to hyperventilate (4/5 times a day) and end up taking excessively deep breaths to avoid this + avoid drawing attention to myself. I also constantly have heart palpitations and a racing heartbeat; it never tends to drop below 90bpm. This is very uncomfortable.
About 8 months ago this panic became irrational, which is incredibly frustrating as I am aware I am being ridiculous, but the compulsions are too strong. For example, firstly I stopped eating meat for fear of getting food poisoning, as well as nuts for fear of anaphylactic shock (however I have never ever been allergic to nuts... go figure) recently I have had difficulty swallowing as I feel there is a possibility I will choke. A headache becomes a stroke, a leg pain becomes a blood clot, and a chest pain becomes a heart attack or pulmonary embolism. (** Just to inform you I know these thoughts are completely irrational and crazy, but at the time I simply cannot control them, no matter how hard I try)
I constantly have a lump in my throat and I often cry. I have also begun washing my hands/using alcohol gel excessively, I kind of blame my course for that though.
Over the past 3 months this has lessened in severity somewhat, however it always seems to be replaced with something else. I am still very tearful, I had hoped going home for 4 weeks would get rid of all of this horrendously ridiculous behaviour, but unfortunately it has not. I am exhausted, I have no energy, and I have no time for anyone or anything. I have sleeping issues, I am either awake for 60 hours straight because I simply can’t shut my brain up (I am either having conversations with myself/other people in my head, or I just can’t stop thinking about what I’m doing tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month etc it torments me, I will just be about to fall asleep when suddenly something else pops into my head, it is infuriating and incredibly distressing). On the opposite end of the spectrum I also go through phases where I will not get out of bed for days at a time, and I will be sleeping for the majority of that time (just to clarify this is still whilst having the panicky issue). I almost seem to go into a sort of trance.
I have no self-respect or self-worth, my personal hygiene (apart from washing my hands) has gone out of the window. I do not care what I look like, I cannot be bothered. I often simply stick clothes on over my pyjamas.
I have lost all contact with my friends from back home, and to be honest, I kind of couldn’t care less. My current flatmates I can easily go for a week without seeing any of them. I do not socialise, I just don’t want to. I no longer enjoy the simple things that used to make me so happy. Even my boyfriend (who has been amazing) doesn’t necessarily make me feel happy; things just seem like a lighter shade of grey I suppose. We have been together since before all of this, he feels I have changed and desperately need help. We have no sex life, I can’t even bear for him to touch me innocently (hug me etc); it makes me feel claustrophobic and sick to my stomach. I often say cruel things to hurt him and I am not entirely sure why I do this, I know he would be far better off without me.
I have lost all motivation. I feel like I have lost the person I was and no matter how hard I look or how hard I try, she is never coming back. I feel a little like an empty shell that is simply going through the motions of living.
I am not so teary anymore, I just feel so constantly exhausted and apathetic, I am always in some form of pain, be it back ache, head ache, nausea, stomach ache, chest pain. I have been hospitalised twice in the past 6 months, once for a kidney infection and once for pneumonia. I feel as if I just do not function anymore... I feel a little broken. I do not have what I would perceive to be suicidal thoughts; however I do think that things would be so much easier if I could just cease to exist, or if my existence had never come about at all, or if I could just fall asleep and either not wake up for a very long time or never wake up at all.
And yet I still deny the fact that I would seem to maybe have a problem. I am worried about the disappointment and shame I will bring to my family if I do have some form of issue, I am also worried about being kicked off my course... a mentally ill nursing student... how am I supposed to look after others when I can’t even look after myself...?
Help, advice, comments, questions all appreciated... I think I just maybe needed to write this all down.
Thank you and I apologise for the length.
I am a 20 year old female, I think I may have some form of depression and/or anxiety disorder but I’ve been denying having any issues at all until I’m blue in the face, much to the annoyance of my boyfriend and mother.
I am a nursing student (slightly ironic I suppose) and for the past 18 months I feel like I have changed... I am simply not myself anymore, I feel as though my life has sort of crumbled all around me and I’m trying to stick all of the pieces back together whilst more collapses.
I used to be an out-going, fun-loving girl, I loved to laugh and make others laugh. I was never afraid of a challenge or scared to try new things. I was always slightly more of a worrier than most (from a young age) but only about rational things such as upcoming exams etc. I was also a terrible nail biter and a bit of a pessimist, but I had always been that way.
However about 18 months ago I started feeling a little low and just a bit “out of sorts”... this lasted for about 3 or 4 months and I simply assumed it was because I was starting a new course, a new city etc. However I then went on to have my first panic attack (I didn’t realise this was what it was at the time though). They became more frequent and I would often have mini ones everyday and a major one every week/10 days. I began to feel incredibly nauseous and would often vomit. This was accompanied by becoming very tearful for no reason and the “low feeling” became 100 times worse. I would often have to run out of lectures to vomit. However after about 4 months, the panic attacks went away... BUT I feel I have been left with almost a constant feeling of panic/worry/unease.
I tend to panic “internally” and quietly to myself, as in if you didn’t know me you probably wouldn’t notice... however my boyfriend and mother found it very noticeable. I often begin to hyperventilate (4/5 times a day) and end up taking excessively deep breaths to avoid this + avoid drawing attention to myself. I also constantly have heart palpitations and a racing heartbeat; it never tends to drop below 90bpm. This is very uncomfortable.
About 8 months ago this panic became irrational, which is incredibly frustrating as I am aware I am being ridiculous, but the compulsions are too strong. For example, firstly I stopped eating meat for fear of getting food poisoning, as well as nuts for fear of anaphylactic shock (however I have never ever been allergic to nuts... go figure) recently I have had difficulty swallowing as I feel there is a possibility I will choke. A headache becomes a stroke, a leg pain becomes a blood clot, and a chest pain becomes a heart attack or pulmonary embolism. (** Just to inform you I know these thoughts are completely irrational and crazy, but at the time I simply cannot control them, no matter how hard I try)
I constantly have a lump in my throat and I often cry. I have also begun washing my hands/using alcohol gel excessively, I kind of blame my course for that though.
Over the past 3 months this has lessened in severity somewhat, however it always seems to be replaced with something else. I am still very tearful, I had hoped going home for 4 weeks would get rid of all of this horrendously ridiculous behaviour, but unfortunately it has not. I am exhausted, I have no energy, and I have no time for anyone or anything. I have sleeping issues, I am either awake for 60 hours straight because I simply can’t shut my brain up (I am either having conversations with myself/other people in my head, or I just can’t stop thinking about what I’m doing tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month etc it torments me, I will just be about to fall asleep when suddenly something else pops into my head, it is infuriating and incredibly distressing). On the opposite end of the spectrum I also go through phases where I will not get out of bed for days at a time, and I will be sleeping for the majority of that time (just to clarify this is still whilst having the panicky issue). I almost seem to go into a sort of trance.
I have no self-respect or self-worth, my personal hygiene (apart from washing my hands) has gone out of the window. I do not care what I look like, I cannot be bothered. I often simply stick clothes on over my pyjamas.
I have lost all contact with my friends from back home, and to be honest, I kind of couldn’t care less. My current flatmates I can easily go for a week without seeing any of them. I do not socialise, I just don’t want to. I no longer enjoy the simple things that used to make me so happy. Even my boyfriend (who has been amazing) doesn’t necessarily make me feel happy; things just seem like a lighter shade of grey I suppose. We have been together since before all of this, he feels I have changed and desperately need help. We have no sex life, I can’t even bear for him to touch me innocently (hug me etc); it makes me feel claustrophobic and sick to my stomach. I often say cruel things to hurt him and I am not entirely sure why I do this, I know he would be far better off without me.
I have lost all motivation. I feel like I have lost the person I was and no matter how hard I look or how hard I try, she is never coming back. I feel a little like an empty shell that is simply going through the motions of living.
I am not so teary anymore, I just feel so constantly exhausted and apathetic, I am always in some form of pain, be it back ache, head ache, nausea, stomach ache, chest pain. I have been hospitalised twice in the past 6 months, once for a kidney infection and once for pneumonia. I feel as if I just do not function anymore... I feel a little broken. I do not have what I would perceive to be suicidal thoughts; however I do think that things would be so much easier if I could just cease to exist, or if my existence had never come about at all, or if I could just fall asleep and either not wake up for a very long time or never wake up at all.
And yet I still deny the fact that I would seem to maybe have a problem. I am worried about the disappointment and shame I will bring to my family if I do have some form of issue, I am also worried about being kicked off my course... a mentally ill nursing student... how am I supposed to look after others when I can’t even look after myself...?
Help, advice, comments, questions all appreciated... I think I just maybe needed to write this all down.
Thank you and I apologise for the length.
Hi Smee,
Glad the Black Knight found his mark. Hilarious in the movie but it's us all over isn't it? I too was the same, stubbornly refusing to even consider I had a problem. Until I was suicidal and had to ask for help or....
Don't you wait that long please.
As to people saying "get over it" etc and "there's nothing wrong with you", some will certainly say that and the reason for them saying it is they are ignorant. No one who has not suffered really believes it exists in my opinion.
I had it from age 10 but I thought it was fraudulent in others as I didn't know I had it until age 35. Now that's a Black Knight, right? I actually thought it was how everyone must have felt you know.
No need to explain the hygiene thing to me Smee. I'm a champion at avoiding that shower etc etc. I wrote the comment as it is critical for you, as a nurse, to be above reproach in that area. For your own safety and self esteem firstly and for the patients too. Ive been in hospital a few times and the appearance of nurses is extremely important to patients. I can tell you patients do like the crisp, clean, starchy and fresh image that makes them feel safe. Hypocritical really but that's what we want!!
See a doc, not one you know is best of course and certainly not from where you work. Way too hard to be unbiased, both ways. There's nothing to it once you get over that initial fear of talking about yourself. Once you start it's actually hard to shut up!! Truly
You know what to do and you have the motivation of a career and a good life ahead. I know you'll be fine if you work hard at it.
Glad the Black Knight found his mark. Hilarious in the movie but it's us all over isn't it? I too was the same, stubbornly refusing to even consider I had a problem. Until I was suicidal and had to ask for help or....
Don't you wait that long please.
As to people saying "get over it" etc and "there's nothing wrong with you", some will certainly say that and the reason for them saying it is they are ignorant. No one who has not suffered really believes it exists in my opinion.
I had it from age 10 but I thought it was fraudulent in others as I didn't know I had it until age 35. Now that's a Black Knight, right? I actually thought it was how everyone must have felt you know.
No need to explain the hygiene thing to me Smee. I'm a champion at avoiding that shower etc etc. I wrote the comment as it is critical for you, as a nurse, to be above reproach in that area. For your own safety and self esteem firstly and for the patients too. Ive been in hospital a few times and the appearance of nurses is extremely important to patients. I can tell you patients do like the crisp, clean, starchy and fresh image that makes them feel safe. Hypocritical really but that's what we want!!
See a doc, not one you know is best of course and certainly not from where you work. Way too hard to be unbiased, both ways. There's nothing to it once you get over that initial fear of talking about yourself. Once you start it's actually hard to shut up!! Truly
You know what to do and you have the motivation of a career and a good life ahead. I know you'll be fine if you work hard at it.
To both of you,
Thank you for your quick and helpful responses,reading back over this a few times has alerted me to the fact that I should probably get some help, sticking my head in the sand and ignoring everything isn't exactly doing me much good.
To answer whodunnit, I think I am just far too stubborn and afraid to admit I have a problem, let alone voluntarily go and get treatment for it. Regardless of the fact that I work with health professionals, I still have a fear that they will turn around and say something along the lines of "there is nothing wrong with you, you don't have anything to be upset or anxious about, pull yourself together" etc. I don't know, I'm just silly.
The personal hygiene issue is really only bad when I'm in college (we do a block of say 6 weeks in lectures, then 6 weeks actually working on wards). On the wards my personal hygiene does improve, I think mainly because I'm terrified of contaminating all of my stuff at home with bugs/germs from the hospital, yet once I'm back in lectures, its like a mini relapse again... Although whilst on the wards I still don't really bother about my appearance, I mean I look relatively smart... but just not "groomed" I suppose.
Your last statement hit a bit of a nerve, the Black Knight describes me quite well, hence why I was hospitalised for pneumonia and the kidney infection, I literally denied there was anything wrong with me (I do not wish to be seen as some form of attention-seeker) until I collapsed and ended up in hospital.
I will get help. I want the old me back really.
Thank you
Thank you for your quick and helpful responses,reading back over this a few times has alerted me to the fact that I should probably get some help, sticking my head in the sand and ignoring everything isn't exactly doing me much good.
To answer whodunnit, I think I am just far too stubborn and afraid to admit I have a problem, let alone voluntarily go and get treatment for it. Regardless of the fact that I work with health professionals, I still have a fear that they will turn around and say something along the lines of "there is nothing wrong with you, you don't have anything to be upset or anxious about, pull yourself together" etc. I don't know, I'm just silly.
The personal hygiene issue is really only bad when I'm in college (we do a block of say 6 weeks in lectures, then 6 weeks actually working on wards). On the wards my personal hygiene does improve, I think mainly because I'm terrified of contaminating all of my stuff at home with bugs/germs from the hospital, yet once I'm back in lectures, its like a mini relapse again... Although whilst on the wards I still don't really bother about my appearance, I mean I look relatively smart... but just not "groomed" I suppose.
Your last statement hit a bit of a nerve, the Black Knight describes me quite well, hence why I was hospitalised for pneumonia and the kidney infection, I literally denied there was anything wrong with me (I do not wish to be seen as some form of attention-seeker) until I collapsed and ended up in hospital.
I will get help. I want the old me back really.
Thank you
Hi Smee,
A couple of glaring things jump out here. One is the problem started when you started nursing, right? Near enough from what I can make out. Seems clear from this end really.
The second thing is, although you want to be a nurse, at no stage in this post have you even mentioned a doctor or treatment at all. Why? SOlve these two things and you will be on your way back.
You've described all the problems so you do know what it is, you just seem afraid to admit it to yourself, although you do so clearly here, to us.
Read what you've written, admit what's wrong and go see a doc for a referall as soon as you can. If you want to be a nurse a lack of personal hygiene will limit your chances just a tad don't you think? Just a tad.
You are self aware but stubborn like most of us and as stubborn as the Black Knight in the Holy Grail movie. Lost two arms, two legs and screamed "It's only a flesh wound". That's you, right now. Notice your missing bits and seek help.
A couple of glaring things jump out here. One is the problem started when you started nursing, right? Near enough from what I can make out. Seems clear from this end really.
The second thing is, although you want to be a nurse, at no stage in this post have you even mentioned a doctor or treatment at all. Why? SOlve these two things and you will be on your way back.
You've described all the problems so you do know what it is, you just seem afraid to admit it to yourself, although you do so clearly here, to us.
Read what you've written, admit what's wrong and go see a doc for a referall as soon as you can. If you want to be a nurse a lack of personal hygiene will limit your chances just a tad don't you think? Just a tad.
You are self aware but stubborn like most of us and as stubborn as the Black Knight in the Holy Grail movie. Lost two arms, two legs and screamed "It's only a flesh wound". That's you, right now. Notice your missing bits and seek help.
You would probably be shocked to know just how many people in the health care field suffer from depression and anxiety dissorder as well as Bi-polar dissorder.
Don't worry about your illness causing you not to get a job after nursing school.
It's not unusual at all for health workers to have depression.
That being said, I read all your symptoms and sorry to say, but yes it really sounds like Major Depressive dissorder combined with anxiety dissorder.
You mention the funny food thing.... When I first started getting symptoms I wouldn't eat anything that was open because I was worried someone was trying to drug me.
Sounds silly, but when your anxiety is crashing thru the roof you will do some really silly stuff. It was like I thought the reason I felt so funny was because my food was being druged.
The longer you go un-treated the worse it can get. Mine got so bad that the symptoms became VERY strong. Tons of symptoms that left me close to completly non-fuctional.
Yes, it can get that bad. If there is one thing I have learned about Major depression is that it can always get worse. Even when the torment is at a massive level it can still get even worse. In fact I don't think it really has a level at which it can not reach. Sky is the limit with it.
Good news is you get a good psychiatrist and get on some good meds and the symptoms will go away. They may return again, but with meds they can go away for several years sometimes.
Get help and don't suffer for no reason.
Don't worry about your illness causing you not to get a job after nursing school.
It's not unusual at all for health workers to have depression.
That being said, I read all your symptoms and sorry to say, but yes it really sounds like Major Depressive dissorder combined with anxiety dissorder.
You mention the funny food thing.... When I first started getting symptoms I wouldn't eat anything that was open because I was worried someone was trying to drug me.
Sounds silly, but when your anxiety is crashing thru the roof you will do some really silly stuff. It was like I thought the reason I felt so funny was because my food was being druged.
The longer you go un-treated the worse it can get. Mine got so bad that the symptoms became VERY strong. Tons of symptoms that left me close to completly non-fuctional.
Yes, it can get that bad. If there is one thing I have learned about Major depression is that it can always get worse. Even when the torment is at a massive level it can still get even worse. In fact I don't think it really has a level at which it can not reach. Sky is the limit with it.
Good news is you get a good psychiatrist and get on some good meds and the symptoms will go away. They may return again, but with meds they can go away for several years sometimes.
Get help and don't suffer for no reason.
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