I Think I Have Depression

[mgirl144]

OK sorry this may be long I'm not sure. So I am 13 and I think i have had depression for a few years now, it all started when i was 11 my grandpa died and he was like my best friend ok well i think it started before that, ok so it started when i was in 5th grade my mom made my brother and i go to homeschooling (hated every second of it and it lasted  3 years) my parents are devorced so the switching back and forth with the home schooling and mother and then my younger siblings from my mom that i was the second mother to. I remeber having books thrown at my head including my first laptop.  then i was going back to school after my mom decided she messed up our lifes enough, but then one day we got a call, that day seemed so nice before, then we got the call that night it rained and it couldnt seem worse. We got a call form my dad my grandpa had passed i remember crying and crying and even now a year after it happend i still cry about it seeing pics of him or talking to people about him.  but to add to that also the February before he had died my oldest brother was shot he didnt die even though it was execution in the head it spread fear in all of us thinking they were coming after us after they tryed blowing up my grandparents house. so ya i have my reasons but it isn't going away and i will admit i have thought of killing myself and attempted and not one even noticed a small gash in my wrist (safety raiser) and i want to get help but i was never raised share your feelings be an open book i was raised by older brothers.  And on top of that my dad and one of my older brothers have depression to so the biological part. and i have got very low self esteem and i seem to cry really easy i haven't told anyone but one of my friends and i have tried hinting at my mom but nothing works my friend keeps trying to talk to the Councillor but i talk her out of it saying i am ok and that i dont need the help. the truth is i think i do i just cant. I feel like i am going to get in big trouble with my mom if i talk to my Councillor and she talks to my mom and then i will have to tell my mom about it and i just cant, but i cant keep doing this i know its unhealthy i put on a smile and hold it in but my friends have noticed that i dont talk as much that i act strange that i havent been eating as much as i should and that i dont really seem to sleep. sorry again that this is so long its just that i cant unload all of this any were else i also get angry easy i write evrything down in a diary but i lost that and i am affraid some one will read it i made this picture of all the yays and nays of killing myself and i write angry letters about people and then just hide them and add to them when i can. i have delt with it so far but it is getting harder and harder,.  please give me something i know it was a lot and well you know but well you know thank you for reading..... if any of that makes sense..

[usedtobesunshine]

Yes remar is right..go to your counselor & TALK! That is the first step & I know how hard that first step is! It will make you feel better to get some of these things off your chest. You've had many life altering events that are even hard for adults to deal with. Suicide is definitely not the answer. The people who love you would never get o er it & when you were born God had a plan for you. What if its by help I v others who are overwhelmed???  You do have a purpose in this life. Since there is family history of depression you may need some med. I've been on some for 16 yrs and believe me, it can make you feel like life is worth living again.

[Mishrae]

JUST KEEP TALKING TO PEOPLE SWEETHEART.... I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE BAD LUCK....AND THE THINGS YOU HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH MAY TAKE TIME...IF NOT SEEK A DR.S HELP. KEEP BUSY DO NOT LISTEN TO SAD MUSIC..VISIT WITH FRIENDS ...FIND A CRAFT YOUR GOOD AT. TAKE CARE.:)

[remar]

You're so young and you have to quit trying to be so brave for everyone else. Talk to the counselor and tell her exactly how you're feeling and what you're doing. If you truly feel like you can't do this can you talk to your mom about private counseling? Your mom does not have to go inside the office with you.