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Avatar universal

I'm circling the drain

Ending my life is everything I can think of lately and I have already set the date and method and I'm dead serious about it this time.  I've been thinking about dying, how it would end the pain for me and those around me since I was child.  I came very close to taking my life twice but had a change of heart at the last moment.  This it feels final, in the past I had that stupid inner optimism that lead me to think that there is hope, that maybe I would be understood, that I had payed the price for being the eyesore that I am, being obedient and successful for twenty something filthy years was enough to buy my freedom and right to live but I was wrong.  So now I'm a realist, this life is unbearable, starting over is out of question since it would hurt my family and I am to old to start over anyway. That's it.  I'm posting this because I want to shout, to say something without being laughed at or made guilty for having thoughts of my own.  Once upon a time in my life I really wanted to live, wanted to stop feeling hurt and needing to apologize for some scars on my body, loved something and wanted to spend my life doing it but I guess I wanted too much and I had to settle with what I had.  There is nothing sad about this, it is only the truth, painful and ugly as it is.  I either have to grit my teeth and go on living this empty excuse of a life or end it and I have made my choice.
7 Responses
Avatar universal
Ending your life is not the answer, it may not end, but be something even worse.  Never lose that inner hope, and keep fighting.  I don't know if you've sought professional help, if not please do.  You're never too old to start over, and I'm sure your family wants you to be happy more than anything else.  Most importantly, you have to live the life that makes you happy.  If people have laughed, and made you feel guilty for having your own opinions, then shame on them, and they have a problem.  You are your own unigue person, with your own thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams.  You must persue what will make you happy in this world and not live your life for others.  You speak poorly of yourself, I assume this comes from what other have said and you doubting yourself now.  You admit you have choices, and living an empty life is not a choice, nor is ending it.  Your choices are to to get help, and start doing what makes you happy.  You deserve so much more than  you're giving yourself credit for, please know this.  It's never too late to turn things around, and start truly living your  life.  You may need professional help to do this, but millions have and do, and this is why we're here.  We do care and understand.  Please stay with us and let us know how you're progressing with all this.  Take care....
874521 tn?1424116797
You have not even tried professional help have you???

You have made up your mind before trying all you could right...doesn't that make you see that you really are in a deep depression and don't even WANT TO TRY???

You referred to 'scars on you body'....do you have some deformity thats making you feel ashamed or unworthy??

I can tell you a long story of a beautiful man who decided life wasn't worth living and shot himself in the head one morning, NO he didn't die...he awoke with paralysis on one side of his body, a disfigured head, wheel chair bound for awhile and years of rehab......NOW he is fighting to live with all the added problems, he said he now sees what a dark place he was in at that moment and he FEARS the return of that darkness....he's told me if he had the help THAN of the good psych he has NOW this never would have happened........

What do you  have to loose Lizzie??

You say you are an educated man yet you don't see the irony in your words
"change would only hurt my family"
yet you don't think your suicide wouldn't?
this is clearly NOT rational thinking.

there is help avail. you need to want it!!
Please want it!
Avatar universal

You  are writing about it here so you are asking for help. No one can prevent you doing what you want so I won't try as all I have is words.

The thing you need to know though is we live, not for others, but for ourselves. If others don't like what or who we are? That's their problem not ours. To take on their opinion of us is wrong and allows them to control us. It is these people who have the actual problems you see, they project it onto others and many like you and I feel it and want out.

I did, big time, over 20 years ago. But woke up before it was too late.

The thing with life is it's a once only chance. Once we are dead that's the end of us. There is nothing after death but nothing. Dust to dust. Ashes to ashes.

Opus has made a great comment to you. Have you sought help? If not think about it before you do whatever you have planned. How can it hurt?

You say you are a realist. I disagree entirely as all you are doing is accepting the views of others as your own views. That is not reality, it's pure deceit of the worst kind from these people.

Take your time and think it through. Do you want to do what others have pushed you into or what you deserve?
Avatar universal
I reported this in the hopes that you guys send help to this person IMMEDIATELY. As in send emergency responders to the address on file. Please.
480448 tn?1426948538
That is the problem with an internet site such as this.  While it is frustrating to not be able to RACE over to their house and "save" them.....but also, you have to realize the "ups" to a site like this.  If people are HERE, posting....they have doubts about suicide..even a glimmer of hope.  THAT is what we have to hold onto and TRY to help them with.  A site like this HAS probably saved many people from making that irreversible decision.

So, while it is frustrating, I just don't think it is possible to send EMT's to every person who mentions suicide on a site like this...and there are a LOT of them.  Just trying to put it all in perspective.  The best we can do is care, share, and encourage them to get the help they need....and to hopefully make them understand that they don't get a
"do-ver" after that decision is made, and the reality of it is...their loved ones are left to try to pick up the pieces and forever struggle with the "why's" and wonder what they could have done.  The guilt on the loved one is enormous.

A forum like this one deals with this topic on a daily basis, and thank GOD the people responding are well equipped to handle the discussions...they have lived it, and know what is it like to be hovering on the cliff edge, so to speak.

To all, wishing you the peace you all deserve and long for.
874521 tn?1424116797
what you have said is so true...but yet so heart breaking, especially when some of these posters are never heard from again.
If we can help some the worry is worth it, never the less hard!
480448 tn?1426948538
Opus...Amen...sooo true!

It would be nice to at least get an update from some of these posters...and if there was a way to reach thru the pc screen to them, that would be nice to.  Leaves the people responding feel helpless sometimes...although I think we would all be surprised at just how much even a few words means to people.

I know a lot of people come to the Anxiety forum just ready to call it a day....in crisis, feeling as though there are just no answers.  Just knowing that they aren't alone in the battle means so much.

That's one thing about Depression, Anxiety, etc...is unfortunately, there are MANY of us in the same stinkin' boat!  And, misery loves company, right?  :0)
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