I'm feeling a tremendous amount of guilt

[Oblivion656]

About my cat dying. It's not just because my cat died. But it's because I realized I didn't spend enough time with her as I should have. And I grew up with this cat. This isn't your ordinary cat, that all she does is eat and sleep and likes to be alone. This cat is people person cat. She doesn't think of herself as a cat, she thinks of herself as a human. And she personally loves me. I had this cat for 19 years. Toward the end of her life, I still pet her and stuff. But when I usually became a private person and I stopped having her in my room. When I grew up, I didn't have a door to my room. When I moved to another home, I still let her in my room and stuff, maybe as not as often. She would paw under the door to get in.

Towards the last couple of years, she didn't try much to get my room that much. I still let her in once in a while if I recall. But she realized probably that I didn't want her in her room all that much. It's like when you grow older you get a bit colder, I guess?

Anyways, last week Wednesday, she cried at my door to get in. I let her in, and I had her on my bed. For only about 2 hours. Then I let her go, out of my room. Thursday came she cried at my door, but I was sleeping, so I wasn't in any mood to let her in. Anyways, Thursday afternoon I saw the her on the couch. Then later on at night, I still saw her at the couch. I noticed she wasn't moving.

And I thought it was because the other cat was groomed and she had a different smell. So I thought she was stressed because of that. Anyways, I went to check on her again, and she was hiding. I knew something maybe wrong and she might be sick, so I took her to her dish bowl to see if she would drink some water. She drank some water. She wouldn't eat any food. I thought the cat maybe stressed. The next day I still saw her hiding. That's when I knew she was sick, my father took her to the vet. And I couldn't go with him for some reason. I wanted to.

Anyways, I guess I didn't want to face reality, that she was probably dead. Yeah, she died. All her internal organs were failing, she was just dying. She weighed 5 pounds. They had to sedate her to end her suffering. She also had a tumor under her belly.

I feel tremendously horrible, that I didn't spend a lot more time with her than I should have, or at least had a time period with her before she died. I would have stayed longer with her on Wednesday (the whole day or as long as she wanted me to). I should have taken her to vet for check up. I mean this cat, she loved me. And cats don't care about possessions, they aren't judgmental like human beings are. They just want the basic essentials out of life, water, food. And your love. But I didn't show her enough of this back. I forget that my cat could die, because I had her so long, I was in denial even though I knew she was sick from time to time. And the thought never occurred to me I should spend more time with her.

She didn't want to be alone, and at the very least I should have spent time with her near the end of her 3 days of living. I don't know why my brain didn't form this thought. I could have had her on my bed. I was worried if I had her on my bed, then she couldn't go out of room to get her dish bowl. Maybe I didn't think she was dying. I don't know.

Not only that, I feel that I should have spent way more time with her in the past 3 years that I did. People keep telling me, she had a good life and she lived long as she did because she was so lucky to have me as a pet owner. But I failed her near the end. This guilt is killing me. I know she was waiting for me in heaven. But I have this tremendous amount of guilt. I can't shake it, and knowing what kind of a person I am. I won't get over this, because I don't want to get over it.

I still didn't ignore my cat, I still pet her, I know she loved me unconditionally. But I just did a horrible job at the end. I don't think I'll ever feel happy again, after her. And I even got a new kitten that almost looks like her. But I feel tremendous amount of guilt sharing with this new kitten that I didn't show near the end of my other cat's life.

I don't know what kind of advice I want, I don't think there is a fix for this my mind. Because I know cats can get depressed also. And I'm thinking I know she that loved me, and my family. But what if she thought that I lost interest in her near the end of her life? All these questions, and negative thoughts keep popping in my head.

Things like also, maybe I should die now, to be with my cat. Questions about death and stuff. I keep telling myself, I wasn't cold to my cat, I spent 2 hours with her on Wednesday when she was crying to come in. I let her in, I let her in. I should have taken her to a vet. A cat doesn't get caught up in obsessions such as playing video games all the time, etc. She wants love. And I know I could have done a better job. And don't say just because she is old, she wants to sleep all the time, so it's okay. The cat personally wanted to be with during the end of her life. And that scares me that I went cold.

[Oblivion656]

I was a great fine cat parent. Problem was I wasn't an extra special loving person to my cat near the end of her life span. Maybe because I was partly a private person that stayed in my room too much. I mean if I did spend more time in my living room at least, instead of my room. It would be automatic, because then the cat would come to me more. What I did do was let my cat in my room 2 weeks on Wednesday. And if I knew she was dying, I would have stayed with her longer. And also, I shouldn't just do that because she is dying. I should have done more attention, because she is my cat and I love her. And I want to have her feel special. I mean I wasn't even working. I had plenty of time for her. The most amount of time I spent with her every night, is when she came up to me in the dining room at night. And I fed her. I'm a night person now. So maybe I was extra special loving, enough.

When I was a kid, I didn't have my own room, I shared a room. So I spent a lot a time with my cat and loved her. What I'm saying about cat puke is, yeah you don't really want to clean it up. But you got to do it. Now to make sure I thought that statement, I would be glad my cat would be gone, so I would not have to clean it up. That is a dumb statement I said. I'll admit.

I did talk to my father about this. He said, the cat is old. But that is no excuse not to love your cat the same. My father said she slept a lot too. And the cat lived a long healthy life. And she was lucky to have me as a pet owner. And she is heaven now, probably drinking out of a meadow right now. He also told me, no my cat wasn't mad at me at all(of course I realize that also, of course not). He doesn't feel guilty at all. He also said my guilt would go away. I don't know how there isn't a bit of guilt there. We should have taken her to the vet, this year, or last year. It probably wouldn't have helped, but at least I would have a time frame to know she was dying.

I could have managed my time better. I mean you could watch tv with a cat. Play video games, heck you can devote your total attention to a cat for at least 1 to 2 hour a day for her. I'm not sure I did that.

So I have two problems here:

1. The thought never entered my head, or no one told me. Hey, your cat is getting older, make sure you spend some extra time with her.

2. I gave her , her best years of her life and made her very happy to live in our household. My brain froze, it didn't realize she could die. I would have let her in my room a lot more. Done more. I feel so guilty. And I'm trying to recall in my head what was the total time I spent with her. And battling this in my mind.

I'm not misinterpreting anything. MYoungAtHeart's statement was a self pleasing statement. After all, this is one of the most important things in life, is love. And that is rewarding.

But you are right, I am over analyzing this. Perhaps there is more to it, then losing her, and the guilt. Perhaps there is something else going on here. But this is one of the biggest mistakes of my life. But even then, I know my cat still loves me, and I loved her unconditionally. And we came together, we didn't ignore each other. She died so fast.

I'm not sure what professional help will do. Perhaps a part of me died along with her. Perhaps I was happier when I was a child and a kid then. Maybe that is part of the equation, as well. But I know 100% sure, if I could take it back and spent some extra time with her, and record video footage. And I took the guilt away from the equation. I wouldn't be feeling as bad as I do now.

Facts:
1. I loved my cat.
2. My cat loves me back.
3. She was a very happy cat.
4. She was more than a cat that just ate and drank water. She was a cat that loved people, loved me especially. Loved being around me. Doesn't judge me, she just wanted my love. There are times when she can get sad, lonely.
5. If she was alive today, and I went up to her pet her today, she just loves it.
6. If I sit on the other side of the couch, she would come up to me, meaning she is a loving cat that loves me like a person.
7. She doesn't hold it against me, the amount of time, I didn't spend with her. Even not having my door open for her. And the time I did come out, she just enjoyed watching and was happy just seeing me around. And I did pet her. And rolled my face against her fur.
8. She had my family as well, to be around. So anything she didn't get from me, she got from them.
9. She loved my family, but I was special to her , personally.
10. She may have gotten a little unhappy , there was a time she puked at my door, she wanted to come in. Sometimes I didn't let her in.
11.  She didn't ask much to get in my room anymore, because maybe she I thought I didn't let her in anymore. Which is a false fact, because she tried  two weeks on Wednesday, and I actually let her in, and I spent time with her on my bed.
12. I would be out later in the dining room for her.
13. There were times when she was unhappy, because she wanted to come in my room. But after those times, I did spend some time with her, anyways, then she was happy again. Could have I made her more happy, yes? By giving her more attention. But I don't think cats forget all those other years I grew up with her. So she has unconditonal love for me. Defining happy, she was always happy, but there could have been brief periods of sadness, for her.
14. Just because I don't spend lots of lots of time with her, doesn't mean she is always sad when I don't. Maybe because her old age and sickness, brings on her wanting to be with someone. So later on, when I was available, that helped her. Granted I was with her, but she may have needed more.
15. I made a mistake, I'm only a human, I forget about love(extra caring I mean because I still loved her). And being extra special loving to my cat. But she is in a better place now. And her creator is watching over her for me. When I get there, she will recognize me. And lick me, and welcome me. And I will redeem myself with this mistake. And this time she will be healthy forever. Ultimately I will honor the creator the most.

If I can concentrate on these facts the most, maybe I will be alright. Maybe I will ask a vet about this stuff. But I'm not too comfortable going up to strangers and asking about this sort of thing.

[nursegirl6572]

You're reading more into what we've said and misinterpreting our statements I'm afraid.  You're stuck inside your head on this, way overthinking and overanalyzing everything, to the point of making yourself feel much worse.  I would suggest you seek some professional help, to work through this.

I'm sure you were a perfectly fine cat parent.  No one is perfect.  Could there have been things you feel (for yourself) that you could have done better?  Yes, maybe so....but I don't think your cat suffered any kind of emotional neglect, as you're indicating.  You describe a perfectly normal human-pet relationship.  

Just one example...you having the thought, "boy am I glad I don't have to clean up cat puke" is a normal thought process that you're trying to twist into "I'm glad my cat is gone".  Not the case.  Again, an example of you overthinking the situation and your own thought process.  Your thought process is very similar to someone who has OCD.  That kind of anxiety can be very distressing...and you're already grieving.  I hate to see you unnecessarily making this worse for yourself.

Maybe you could discuss this with your father, or the vet?  Maybe they could offer you some reassurance that there wasn't anything you did (or didn't do) wrong?

Hope you get yourself some help if these kinds of thoughts don't ease up for you.   You had 19 long years with your cat, be grateful and thankful for that.  THAT is what you should be concentrating on.  

[Oblivion656]

I felt I became cold to my cat near the end of her lifespan. Like I just went through the motions of having a cat. My emotions dulled out. And I just think about my cat roaming around the house, feeling sad. And finally just dying, sad. But I know that's not true, every time I was eating out in the living room, she came to me, wanted to be fed. And I fed her human food, she has to remember that. And I petted her.

I feel really horrible. I'm just trying to convince myself that isn't true. I was with her 2 hours on Wednesday. She hanged out in the bathroom during the winter, near the vent. I still petted her. I still loved her.

I wake up and just feel depressed and scared of myself. Like deep down I might think that I'm glad she died, so I don't have to clean up puke. Or like she was just a chore to me, now having the cat. But I know that's not true. I loved her. I hate cleaning up puke, but that's what you got to do, and the other cat puked a lot too. I know they are sick when they puke.

I wish the thought would enter my brain, if she is near death. Then I need to spend some serious time with her. There was times were I did spend with my cat. I'm going to spend some time with my cat now. There were times when she wanted to enter my room. She was lonely and I didn't let her in. I had a close door policy of my cat not coming into my room. But I did sometimes anyways.

I know there were times when I did let my cat in, I wanted her on my bed, but sometimes after a little while, she would go under my bed. So I didn't want her in my room. Some times she didn't. And some times, when she was in my room, for a while, she wanted to go out quickly.

I know she loved me unconditionally. I spent time with her. I went on the couch. I waited for her to come to me, so I could pet her. I spent 2 hours with her on Wednesday, I did let her in my room. I did still care about her.

But my mind didn't produce this thought before she died "hey, if this cat is old and dying, I should give her some extra attention as possible" "Make sure to spend quality time with your cat"

That's what bothers me the most. I know she loved me, she loved my family.

"We're trying to say that you're projecting human cognitive abilities onto a cat."

Well, I did say for a moment I thought a cat could hold something against me. But other than that. Cat's can remember. I don't know why you said they don't remember. They can remember certain signals. They remember what you look like. I do appreciate you confirming that cat's have important emotions also.

Life is a little more important than "MYoungAtHeart" statement saying oh human nature is human nature and cat nature is cat nature. And that I should only reward myself or please myself. No, I did show love to my cat. Not to just please myself! But to please her, as well. Make her happy in her environment. Happy to be with me. She wasn't just for my amusement.

[nursegirl6572]

I'm not sure really what to tell you.  I think you are very much overthinking and overanalyzing this situation.  I think your cat died, a pet you loved very much, and you feel very sad...I think that's all super normal.  It's also normal to have regrets, as I was trying to explain with my own story.  I had regrets as I didn't do everything I maybe could have to ensure the safety of my dog.  Of course they are different situations, but the emotions were the same.

I think maybe some therapy may help you work through these intense feelings you're having.


"I can't believe after all the examples I gave you girls, you still think the cat can't show no love, can't get depressed, can't get scared or worried."

To clarify, no one said all of the above.  We're trying to say that you're projecting human cognitive abilities onto a cat.  You're taking a lot out of context when it comes to your cat and making a lot of assumptions.  Even if you're 100% right, you're making assumptions about the way she felt and was thinking...and you'll never be able to KNOW that for sure, so you shouldn't allow those assumptions to distress you so much was the point.

Best of luck to you.

[Oblivion656]

Life isn't simple as just saying oh cats have cat nature, and humans have human nature. Life isn't about what I want as a reward. Or how much I can get from others. This time around, I wanted to make myself a special loving person. I do know my cat was very lucky to have a pet owner as me. As I think about that, my heart sinks. As I didn't have the thought occur to me, I should have spent the last two weeks with her to show how special she was to me. But it's like I forget (I know I did spend 2 hours with her on Wednesday on my bed in my room). Only death has made me realize.


If a cat can provide unconditional love for us, and if we name her, and she has the last name as our family members. Then I certainly do think she should be treated as one of the family members. I can't believe after all the examples I gave you girls, you still think the cat can't show no love, can't get depressed, can't get scared or worried. I don't know about anger or resentment. I don't believe that she resented me, but my worry is she got depressed a little bit. Besides how do we know what a cat thinks, show me an article on how we know what a cat thinks? I certainly know for a fact what cat's can feel.

She thought of herself as one of her family members, she didn't love being around other cats. She loved humans, she thought of herself as a human. Is a figure speech, I'm sure she knew she wasn't human, and knew she was our masters. But what I'm saying, we treat her like human, she treats us like humans back.

One of the thoughts I can remember before she died, was when I touched her, she went "hmmm", she felt my presence, I knew she was scared, and suffering. My dad took her to the vet, by the way. I didn't go with. Terrible mistake on my part. But before that day on friday. On thursday night, I helped her from hiding, put her near her dish bowl, and she drank a little water. I was still concerned for her. I felt like I should have spent the whole night with her.

Your situation is a little different then mine, we are talking about 19 years with our cat. I grew up with her. If I lost a cat for a year, I would be sad, but it would not be the same. This is 19 years, and I felt I like near the end of her lifespan, I could have done so much more. I didn't feel responsible for her death. But I felt responsible for not being with her a lot more. On Wednesday I spent 2 hours with her on my bed. I just keep going over and over with that thought. My regret was that I didn't take her to the vet for a check up this year before it happened, so I could have the vet tell me how long she has to live. So I could have spent more time. The thought didn't occur in my brain. It didn't go into my brain.

Sorry, my cat didn't die at home, she died at the vet. I didn't take her there, my dad did. And I didn't want to go with. Because of fear, or I'm a moody private person. I don't know what my problem is. I know animals go on their own to die. But on the day before she even wanted to hide, on Wednesday I spent 2 hours with her on my bed. And Thursday she meowed at my door at around noon, I was sleeping. I didn't know the cat was dying then, I had no clue. I would have let her in.

I wanted to be that special loving person to my cat. I don't want to get over her, or have my wounds heal. And besides, a great time span in my life is gone, with her in it. I forget about that. I wish someone would have told me this, before my cat died. I wish my brain would have produced this thought, but I was thinking too much of myself.

I think the reason why I let her in my room on Wednesday on my bed for 2 hours is because I felt sorry for her, not because I loved her. That's not true, is it? I loved my cat, I cried after she died. Oh gosh, I hope that's not true. I loved her, I loved going on the couch when was on there. Ultimately, I just want to make sure I'm not a evil person, and I want to make sure I loved my cat enough, I know I did. But these regrets and fears come up. If you feel sorry for a cat, that means you love her.

I didn't ignore her, I went out to the kitchen, and I sat with her. I didn't ignore her. Was I thinking right, right?

[nursegirl6572]

M is absolutely right.  While our beloved pets all have different personalities, and some seem to communicate on a higher level, the facts are, they do not have the same ability we as humans do...to remember, to have feelings of anger or resentment the way we do.  They have instinct and reaction, but they do not have the same cognitive ability we do.

The truth of the matter is, you lost a beloved pet, and it hurts, simple as that.  We love our animals so deeply, that they become a part of our family, and that loss cuts deep.  

Your cat lived beyond it's normal lifespan, which means she was well taken care of.  Try not to think so philosophically and deep when it comes to this.  Don't make more out of it than it is..it's grief, and grief brings out all kinds of emotions in us.  Just allow yourself to feel sad, and know that the feelings will begin to dull with time.

Time absolutely heals all wounds.  It doesn't mean we forget, or that there isn't some remaining pain or hurt...but with time, those emotions aren't as raw and painful.  Look at people who lose their young children.  No one can even IMAGINE getting through something so awful (I know I can't)...yet those people find the strength somewhere...and they go on with life.

I've lost beloved pets and had all of the same regets and deep unimagineable pain.  We had a dog who was barely a year old when he got hit and killed by a car right in front of our house.  Talk about guilt and regret!  We had a hard time containing the pup (he was a Newfoundland,  which are HUGE dogs)..and because of that, I felt solely responsible for what happened.  "What if I had not let him out?"...."What if I had watched him more closely or had him on a leash?"  It was awful, I sobbed uncontrollably for DAYS and cried every single day for weeks.

After some time passed, the pain eased, and I was able to forgive myself a little, and just concentrate on all of the wonderful memories we had with him during his far too short life.  I learned from it, I realized that there WERE better options to ensure his safety..our dogs now have an invisible fence.  I took it as a learning lesson.  

He will always have a piece of my heart, but with time, I healed and it got easier.  It will for you too.  Even if you had taken your cat to the vet, with her age, likely whatever was wrong wouldn't be curative, and VERY possibly, there may not have been anything you could have done for her.  You would have probably been encouraged to put her down, which is VERY hard to have to do.  In a sense, it's a blesssing that she died at home, on her own terms.  I don't know if you're aware too, that animals (cats especially) often go off on their own to die, when they know it's coming.  There are many theories about why they do that, but it's a well known fact that they do.  Therefore, more likely than you not giving her attention and her just giving up on YOU...she was leaving the world on her own terms.

Don't be so hard on yourself, and don't overthink this and make it more than what it is...a normal grieving period after suffering the loss of your beloved pet, a pet you had for a LONG time.   Of course that's going to be very hard!