Hello. I don't usually do this, but right now I would like to hear someone else's opinion about this kind of thing. Any responses are much appreciated.
I've had recurring episodes of sadness and general emptiness throughout my life, since I was about 12, when two of my loved relatives died of cancer, and I switched my place of residence and school.
I've been having great difficulties in dealing with people since forever (my parents thought I was autistic and were kind of ashamed of me). I always thought it would go away as I grow older, but it seems to get deeper. When "provoked" I simply lock up, I can't react; completely shut down, unless I'm drunk (I could turn into an alcoholic fairly easily).
I'd take or do anything people want so the situation I'm in would stop, which is why saying "no" is pretty difficult.
I can somewhat pretend I'm a normal person, but this gets very tiring; every evening I feel completely drained of energy.
The annoying part is that some days are better, but say 2 weeks later, the emptiness comes back in full force, usually right after someone ticked me off. Even if it's nothing really, it brings a series of bad things along, like they were already in the back of my mind, waiting for a reason to come out.
Also I am not able to trust people. I don't understand the purpose of "small talk" with strangers, particularly about personal things, like where I live, what I do in my spare time, etc. I would never ask such questions, unless I really need to know.
I'm in a relationship for almost a year and I find it very superficial; We get along ok, we enjoy each other's company, but I literally have no clue what my "half" is feeling, and neither does she know who I am.
I don't know _why_ i'm this way. I really want to change, but don't know how, what to fix exactly.
Please excuse my whining, but I would really appreciate hearing about your experiences/opinions, as I'm completely lost.