When do I die?

[Evan_the_elder1]

I am 64. I have had depression problems for decades. I have recently found another drug that helps a great deal. However, I still have severe problems. The reason is that I should long since be dead. I have at least 4 diseases that should have already caused my death. These include Hep C for 45 years, 2 hemorrhagic strokes in the last two years, a serious immune system problem that should have caused cancer long ago and a very rare and serious type of apnea that has cause a great deal of long term brain damage. None of these problems are treatable for me and all should have killed me long ago. Now, after the two strokes I most certainly should be dead but all I have is a minor problem with aphasic agnosia.

It is virtually certain that I will have another stroke in the near future and there is a 90% chance it will kill me soon. However, there is no certainly at all. I live in a remote area with no access to medical specialists that could do any meaningful testing or examinations. MRI is not available except an 8 hour drive from here and the wait time is over a year. I have no way to tell what my chance of death is in the near future or perhaps in a longer time (unlikely but unknown). How the heck should I deal with this? I know I will die earlier than I should but that could be tommorow or it could be several years or more. This is driving me into a hole that I have a very hard time dealing with. It is not ordinary depression that I have had from my bipolar type 2 but something different over which I do not have control, drugs or not. I have been married for 43 years and it is driving the both of us crazy. I hate the thought of leaving her alone.  How do deal with this? Is there a way?

[4Maddie44]

I agree with above.  How can we select a best answer when everyone sends a kind message to us?  

Hope it helped you coming on this site and "talking."  Keep in touch.

[Evan_the_elder1]

I have received an e-mail sent by a robot (I presume) asking me to select a "best answer" on this "question".

I won't do that. All the answers are excellent and will help me with my problems.

Thanks to all,

Evan

[nursegirl6572]

Great!  Glad you figured it out!  And, glad you found us!!  :0)

So sorry you have so much on your plate.  No doubt anyone in your position would have recurring thoughts like you do.  It's got to be very scary to feel like you don't have many options to address the health concerns you have.  Most definitely you have a complex case.  As a nurse, it's shocking to read.  

I hope that your doctors are able to brainstorm and come up with a solid plan to at least minimize your risk.  In the meantime, try to stop and smell those roses, and enjoy life as much as you can.  Hopefully, you'll be around for a long time to continue enjoying it.  Also, keep in mind that while your case may be one that's very difficult, nothing is impossible, and modern medicine is quite amazing.  Try to hang onto some hope that a good plan will be formulated to improve your prognosis.

Please keep posting, we're always here with our listening ears on and our broad shoulders to cry on if need be.

[Evan_the_elder1]

Thanks. I have put up a profile image as well as another.

[nursegirl6572]

You can post pictures...go to your profile page (click on your user id).  There is a "photos" section where you can upload pictures.  That would be great.  I also agree with the others, continue working on your projects and as much as possible, just live life as it is, in the moment.  You cannot prepare for death really.  The only thing of course would be to make sure your affairs are in order, to make things easier for your loved ones, but beyond that, I would try not to over think it.  I know, easier said than done, but try to enjoy your life.  Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us!

[Evan_the_elder1]

I do still work on projects, but only little ones that I can do without having to stand much. It takes me about 10 times as long to make things these days compared to years ago. I don't get upset much about that but it does mean that anything fancy will take a long time.

I wish it was possible to post pictures. Is it? I don't use Facebook or Twitter. I don't like them very much. 140 characters is not enough for what I need to say and Facebook is something I do not trust much. Have a look at my website to see what I do. ixian.ca/gallery