depressed over daughter

[cat9841]

I know, I know, but I have to vent. my daughter is a devout christian and is mad at me because I watch certain tv programs and I said my grandson needed more displine, bla, bla, bla...anyhow its been 2 months, no calls, she won't answer my calls or e mails, and today is her birthday. I tryed to call but she is probably montering the calls and she won't talk to me. today she is 28. I am depressed because she has been mad for so very long and it seems there is no end in sight, how long can she be mad? how long will she hold a grudge? will this just go on forever???
CAT

[lonewolf07]

Cat

I did send you, el_dave and April2 a private message.  Still learning how to do things on here since I'm relatively new and don't have your e-mail address.

What is happening between you and your daughter is not "all you".  An argument or fight takes more than one person.  You mentioned, "unseen forces in spiritual realms" - I sure believe it and have experienced it.  The dark side is attracted to "good" people; it doesn't have to attract "bad" people because it already possesses them.  That's something the medicine woman I go to has spoken about.

Sorry to hear about your friend's loss.  Her coming back into your life does show that unseen forces in spiritual realms (God?) are at work.

lonewolf

[April2]

Cat, your email didn't show up. You have to spell it out saying the dot and com because Medhelp blocks emails. Or we can just continue to write on her and send pm's.

I too believe God led us all together for a reason. I felt it right away. I only had that happen one other time and that was on the Gastro Forum. God brought 3 of us together on there all suffering from simular things months ago and we've all now grown very close. I love it when God works!

Cat, is your daughter very young? Give her time. Like I said, I was pretty selfish and self-centered when I was younger. I think part of the reason was I was a bit spoiled. When I look back on it my mom never really made me do chores or anything. I now struggle with that with making my own kids do more to help around the house because that's how I grew up. My husband gets upset and tells me I should make my kids do more. I think I spoiled my daughter a little bit because she's struggled so much the last few years. Now I wish I would have done some things differently. I've thought about taking them to a soup kitchen or something and helping them see how others don't have all the nice things they do. I wish I would have done it sooner.

You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I started thinking more about others (and less about myself) until first after I accepted Christ and then especially after I had to suffer myself. I know that sounds horrible but it's true. I have to split this up into two posts. It's too long! Sending part two, lol.

[April2]

The last two years I went through the darkest time of my life. I don't ever want to experience that again! But God taught me so much through all that pain and darkness. He really humbled me first. I used to think my kids could do no wrong. I thought if I did everything right, took my kids to church, ate dinner together every night, always knew where my kids were and who they were with, that I'd have the perfect kids, I guess. I had a lot of pride. I looked down a little (although I didn't see it then) on others who couldn't seem to control their kids. I blamed the parents.

I've really had my eyes opened! Just to give you the short version so you have an idea what I'm talking about, two years ago we found out our daughter was cutting herself. We didn't understand. It scared us to death. Then we went through her room and found a suicide note. Talk about being scared to death! I went through such a range of emotions. I was confused, scared, grief-stricken. We immediately got her into counseling. Through counseling we discovered that she not only had been bullied terribly all through middle school (she kept a lot from us), but she also claimed that she was touched inappropriately by some neighbor boys and also girls at sleep-overs. The one boy was the older brother of her best friend. She had a lot of anger and depression that was starting to come out. She wondered about her sexuality for awhile there. She was so confused and angry. She rebelled and started sneaking out at night. Her boyfriend (she wasn't officially allowed to date yet, they only knew each other at school but would still study at each other's houses) talked her into something that she wasn't ready for. She was 14, he was 16. She cried and cried that night. Then she grew angry again at being used and chopped all her hair off and started dressing boyishly not wanting to appear attractive to boys. Again, she wondered if girls weren't "safer". She had a girl coming on to her and got her all confused again. Finally she decided that wasn't for her and that she liked guys and started dressing like a girl again. Still, she struggled with depression and cutting. She even dabbled into Satanism when she made friends with a girl who was also a cutter and into Satanism! We couldn't believe it! She grew up in church and had accepted Christ and got baptized at 12. I think she definately opened some dark doors there. I felt like we were in a spiritual battle and I didn't know how to handle it! I had so many people praying for my daughter. She was drawing sad, dark pictures and writing poems. I didn't understand any of this. She had a family who loved her but she couldn't seem to see it or care.
I had a lot of people praying for, let me tell you! I spent many nights on my knees crying and praying for her. We finally admitted her into a mental hospital when she cut herself again. I just couldn't take it anymore. It hurt to see all those scars and cuts on her and not know how to stop it. I had to finally admit I couldn't handle it anymore. They kept her for four days and started her an an anti-depressant. I think it was a big wake-up call to her. She is doing so much better now. We are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. She even is cautiously seeking God again. She was angry with Him for awhile there and blamed Him for a lot.
We may never know how close we've come to losing her. She had struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time and we just didn't know! We were pretty clueless for awhile. We did see her getting more moody and grades dropping when she was 12 but didn't know how bad it was. And I had a newborn then and I felt guilty that maybe I got too caught up in the new baby and didn't see what was going on. Yeah, I beat myself up a lot over all the mistakes I've made. I've wished I could have caught things earlier and spared us all this pain. But I know that I can't go back. I can only go forward. She's almost 16 now (next week!) and is doing so much better. I give God all the credit and glory for that.

Sorry, I know this was longer than I meant! But I wanted to show you that I do understand how much our kids can hurt us and how much we hurt for them. We want so much for them to make the right choices and be happy. I know I did. But my daughter is very strong willed and stubborn and had to learn a lot of things the hard way.
Looking back, I realize that God had given me a heart now for hurting teens and kids confused about their sexuality. So many of them are confused because like my daughter, they were molested. I notice more when I see someone sitting off by themselves. I don't judge any more the kids who look different. My daughter went through the "Emo" stage too. I didn't like it and didn't let her go too far into it but again it all seemed so dark and I was trying to pull her away from the darkness. She's been slowly healing and pulling away from the darker things. But it had to be her. I couldn't make her. I know that God is working on her.

The best thing you can do, Cat, is concentrate on your own relationship with God. Let all of this go and give it to God to take care of. Let your daughter see God in you! You can be that perfect example to her. It says in the Bible that we can be a witness without even opening our mouths! Let her see God's peace in you and wonder about it! She might be drawn to that, who knows. Do the things that you enjoy. Start volunteering somewhere and give back all that compassion and generosity that you have in your heart. There are so many people who can benefit from that and it will make you feel good too! And your daughter will see and notice. Let her know that you love her and are always there for her and then step back. Let her make that next step. Still send cards on birthdays, etc. But don't let her call all the shots. You give her a sense of control when you she sees you begging to be in her life and crying and stuff. And I recommend reading "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. Sometimes we have to give a little "tough love" to our kids. I wish I would have with my own daughter a long time ago. She learned real fast to manipulate me. We were afraid to discipline her or even look at her wrong for awhile there because we were afraid she'd hurt herself. We were walking on eggshells around her! And the more we did it, the more self-centered she became. Pretty soon we realized how rediculous we were acting and we started pulling in the reigns again. Oh sure, she'd threaten to hurt herself again or run away but we'd just tell her calmly if she did we'd take her back to the mental hospital or call the cops. She started to realize she couldn't control us anymore. And she's been acting much more pleasant! I know that you have a different situation. I was just sharing my story.
And now that I've written a book, lol, I'll sign off now. Please feel free to write any time you need to talk. I'm a good listener! And I'm on here almost every day. Take care & God bless.
April

[April2]

I forgot to mention that during those two years my marriage suffered, the stress was overwhelming and then I found out I had a mass that needed to be removed from my small intestine. We didn't know what it was but I had peace about it. I knew God would take care of me. I had to have major surgery last Summer to remove and resect my colon. But God is good! It was not cancer (never thought it was, although the doctor was concerned). They did think i had Crohns but now aren't sure. I'm just trusting God in all that and with my daughter. It's all too much for me to bear on my own anyway.
Again, I wanted to share all that to show you that I do understand. God doesn't promise that we won't have trials but He does promise that He will be there with us when we go through them. I don't know how I would have gone through all of that if I didn't have my faith to fall back on. I think I would have lost it! I came pretty close at times. But God was always there. When things seemed the darkest, He always gave me a glimmer of hope again.
He'll be there for you too. Just lean on Him.
And sorry I wrote a book, lol! I'll try to do better! :) Have a blessed day!

[cat9841]

OK lets try this again, all one word, cryljune at yahoo *******.
I can relate to almost the entire story your telling. my daughter at age 16 started giving me real problems too, she moved in with a practicing witch, did spells wore all black and wrote me horriable notes like, "see you in hell *****" she cut herself too. she denied God wrote satanic things on mirrors and trashed my bedroom and broke lots of expensive things. I called the cops, they didn't do a thing but tell me to 'get control' of my kid. she beat me up a couple of times, but still today denies it, says she didn't do it. she may have been on drugs and don't remember, my son said last night, he still does remember it. she is 28 now, returned to the Lord. she had to when she got pg, I guess that is what brought her around. she has said that without the pregnancy she would be in jail or dead. I think God took care of her and like you I prayed and prayed, for a couple of my kids gave me real problems, yes she was molested also, but for me that is NO excuse, get over it I say, let God deal with it and move on, I guess that isn't how it is for them, but that is how I see it.  she said that she only got into the dark side because that was how she knew she could hurt me the most. now...someday her daughters will do the same things, I think, I don't wish that on my wonderful granddaughters, but I do wish she could for a little while, feel my pain. I know that is not a christian attitude, but she needs to know what pain she is causing in others.
CAT

[April2]

It's interesting that you say that she told you she only got into the dark things to hurt you. This tells me there is indeed a control issue going on here, on your daughter's part. It's really important that you don't let her control your life any longer. Don't let her control your emotions, your feelings...anything. For some reason she's getting enjoyment out of being able to control and manipulate you.
Listen, I understand! It's only been recently where I realized how much I was letting my daughter control my life, my happiness, everything. I felt like I was neglecting my other children because I was so focused on her. Sure, I made a lot of sacrifices for her; got her into counseling when we couldn't really afford it, got her medication when I wondered if I should get some for me! It goes on and on. Do you think she understands or appreciates it? Probably not. I hope someday when she's an adult she will look back and realize how much I did for her.
I wonder with your daughter acting the was she does if she doesn't still have some demonic strongholds there. I hope you don't think I'm too crazy but you did say that she was into some demonic things and she may not have renounced or got rid of all that when she came back to the Lord. Just a thought.
Think about what I said. Start taking care of you. Allow the peace of God to enter you. Start doing things that you enjoy. That would probably drive your daughter crazy! She'll wonder why you're so happy and at peace when your life isn't centered around her anymore. Who knows? It might draw her back to you, if for no other reason than out of curiousity to see what's up with you. Sorry, sometimes that mischevious, wicked little humor comes out in me! :)
You might want your son to talk to your daughter since he remembers how she acted towards you. Maybe she'd believe it coming out of him. If he'd be willing. Just pray about it and see.
As far as getting over the molestation, I have a couple of thoughts on that. It depends on the age that the molestation happened and a lot of other factors. I think it's good and healthy to go through the anger, etc. for a little while but then they do need to be able to move past it and with God's help they can. I too was molested by my own brother. We both were kids though, he was 13 or 14 and I was 8 or 9 at the time. Yeah, he probably was old enough to know better but I've forgiven him. I think it was wrong but I'm not holding on to it. It does have me more watchful over kids being alone together. And yet I still couldn't protect my daughter when she went to these sleepovers. If I could do things over again, I probably would. We live in an evil world. It's harder and harder to protect our kids.
I do understand wanting your daughter to feel your pain, but don't forget, vengence is from the Lord. He will deal with her in His own time. She will be held accountable just as we all are on how we treat others.
The only way you're going to be able to move on and move past this is by taking all your hurts to the Lord and be willing to let it go. You have to be able to forgive her to have His peace. And it's a peace that surpasses all human understanding! The world doesn't understand it because they only look at the circumstances and say we shouldn't have peace because of our circumstances when He says to look to Him and not our circumstances, and to be thankful in all things. Yep, thankful in all things. Boy, that's so hard! I've been working on that myself. But it really does work. When you let go of your worries and heartache and just start praising and thanking God a wonderful thing happens. You start to feel His joy well up in you. We have to continually seek His face every day, though, or we go right back to our burdens and heartaches. It's a process but it works. Try and spend time every day in prayer, not just asking for things but in praise and worship, remembering to thank Him for who He is, for His faithfulness. Someone told me once to pray like you already have it. So that's how I try to remember praying. Thanking God for working on my daughter, thanking Him for saving her and healing her, etc. See if this will work for you. Try saying something like, "Lord, I just thank you for saving my daughter. I thank you for molding her and shaping her into the Godly woman you want her to be. I thank you that you are turning her heart back towards me, her mother. I thank you that you are even now softening her heart. You are teaching her the truth. I speak truth into her life. You are releasing her from demonic bondage and opening her eyes to the truth." etc., etc. You can come up with your own things. Just believe what you are praying. If you don't think you have enough faith, pray about it. Ask God to give you more faith. And He will!
I hope any of this helps. I don't want to be too pushy or preachy. I just love the Lord so much I like to talk about Him!
Write back if you like. Take care.
April