depressed over daughter

[cat9841]

I know, I know, but I have to vent. my daughter is a devout christian and is mad at me because I watch certain tv programs and I said my grandson needed more displine, bla, bla, bla...anyhow its been 2 months, no calls, she won't answer my calls or e mails, and today is her birthday. I tryed to call but she is probably montering the calls and she won't talk to me. today she is 28. I am depressed because she has been mad for so very long and it seems there is no end in sight, how long can she be mad? how long will she hold a grudge? will this just go on forever???
CAT

[cat9841]

I just LOVE your letters to me, and I am right there with you. it seems like we have been through the same things in a lot of ways, try to get to my e mail all in one word, cry l  (L)june at yah oo. maybe this will get through. cryljune.
I don't really know if she has denounced all she was into or not, she is in a very good church that should be teaching that, I am sure they are, and I am sure she knows, she blames me for a lot of things, she thinks I was a bad mom. her and another brother, both say I was not a good mom. I compleatly understand why you feel like you do, I do too, about forsaking the family and other kids to care for her, for me, I had a son before her that gave me a lot of problems. he was heavy into drugs and alcohol, stole from us, the court finally put him in out of home placement. I spent so many years worrying about Jason, that the rest of the kids and a new marriage got set aside. my daughter came next. for some reason the younger ones, 2 of mine and 2 step kids looked up to the troubled brother as some sort of hero, went his own way and they wanted it too. my daughter at age 16 left home to live with him in the home of a practicing witch, I called the cops and they said, if you force her home she will run again, we find kids like this under the bridge, at least here she is safe, so I left her there. I had a nervous breakdown, do you think any of this fases her? no. even today her attitude would be, "whatever mom". its my fault, everything is. no matter what I say or how I explane, she don't see my side or want to hear it at all. she has even said, "I don't want to ever hear how bad I was or how bad YOU had it, I had it bad and you were NOT there for me".
I am getting on with my self, back to the art club ect... as I said, I just had a spinal surgery and I am still healing, but with Gods help, this will pass. It may be she has things to learn to. I am stepping back, right now, I don't care if she wants to see me or not, I don't need the stress she brings here. she wants everything her way, and I want it mine, so we clash, fine, if that is what she wants, fine.  I hope she finds her way, soon, but if I move away and it don't happen first, then that is what Gods will is. we live in CA and are moving to WA after christmas, maybe next spring, somewhere in there. she is aware of this, so if she dosen't want to see me, then that is on her. I will miss the kids, but hey, what can I do? my poor husband is sick of me being all depressed over her all the time and frankly, so am I. this has to stop. it will kill me if it dosen't. stress kills. God will take care of us all, even you and your family. I am very glad to have met you. I hope you can get through to my personal mail box.
Cat

[April2]

Hmmm, interesting. You said she told you that you weren't there for her. That shows me there's some pain and unforgiveness in her heart. That could explain a lot. I'm not saying she's right in thinking that way, but the point is she IS thinking that way. She thinks, right or wrong, that you weren't there for her. This could be partly why she's trying to hurt you and have some control there. Yeah, sure it shows some immaturity but then I've seen that time and time again in families. Somebody gets hurt and all of a sudden they're not talking to the other person and they won't let their kids contact their kids and will go on like that for years. I just shake my head in sadness and think "Life is so short! Is it really worth it?" Why can't people understand that? We have such a short time on this Earth. Why would we cause such pain to ourselves and others when we could just swallow our pride and apologize and try to mend our relationships. I just don't get it.
Doesn't she understand that God, Himself said that He can't forgive you until you've forgiven others? Probably not. She may not even realize that she is harboring some unforgiveness and bitterness there. See, it's easier to blame you for all the mistakes she made and pain she experienced. Then she wouldn't have to face it and see her weaknesses or faults, which we all have.
Well, like I said, give it to God and keep praying about it. He can certainly do miracles. In the meantime, don't wait around for her to come to you. Go on about your life and do what you enjoy and focus on your own relationship with God.
I wish you the best. Peace.

[el_dave]

My girlfriend's Mom pretty much abandoned her when she was a child. Dal was raised by an Aunt. When Dal's Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer about four years ago, Dal had already been through nursing school. She dropped her job, dropped her life, really, and came to take care of her Mom. Her Mom's now been 'undiagnosed as dying', but this isn't about that. What it's about is that Dal still has considerable resentment against her Mom. "She abandoned me. She had no good part in my life. If you see any decency in me at all it's because of my Aunt". Then I talk to her Mom (when she's sober enough to talk), and I get: "Some people think because she spent a lot of time with her aunt that her aunt raised her. What they don't know is that *I* paid for every stitch of clothing on that child's back and every bowl of cereal she ate!"

Apparently the Aunt demanded money for child support. In Sweetling's Mom's mind, sending that money means the Aunt really didn't contribute to raising Dal, after all, "she was paid". That kinda lets you know who created the problems in that particular mother-daughter realtionship.

I'm not trying to make Dal's Mom out to be a monster. She thinks like she thinks, she is as she is. But I'd like you to note that although Dallas harbors some resentment (justified resentment at that) she still dropped her life for her Mom's. Dal isn't a super Christian, in church all the time and all, but she believes in God, leads her kids through prayers and "devotions", all that. However, her acceptance of her Mom's fault doesn't come from religious beliefs at all, it comes from being Dallas. She's still there, her Mom gets drunk every single night, curses Dal, calls her names. Now that her Mom's not dying, Dal will be moving the family out, for the children's sake... but when her Mom needed her, she came.

I have no idea why I thought you two should know about that, but I did so there it is.

-El Dave

[April2]

She sounds like a wonderful woman Dave. She has a big heart.
Something I think a lot of people don't realize is that when we forgive others for their offenses against us, it isn't to let them off the hook. It's to help US to heal and move on. Does that make sense?
When you shared that story it reminded me of a book I read. Stormie O'Martian had a difficult childhood. Her mother was mentally ill. She abused her mentally and physically. She would put her in a closet for hours at a time. When Stormie grew up she fell into drugs, alcohol, etc. When she had hit rock bottom, she found God. It took years still for her to move past her depression and pain from her childhood. Eventually, she was able to recognize that her mother was mentally ill and have compassion on her and even forgive her. Her mother never changed, but Stormie did. She was finally able to let go and forgive her mother. This happened right before her mother died. When she got news that her mother was dying, she raced to be with her hoping she could see her and share with her but she died before she got there. Still, she had peace because she knew that she no longer harbored any bitterness and unforgiveness towards her mother. She had peace.
Thank you for sharing, Dave.

[lonewolf07]

Hi

I feel like I'm intruding = (

The responses you are getting from April2 and el_dave are incredible.  Such genuine and caring comments from genuine and caring people.

Think I just found your e-mail address.  I can send you mine in a Private Message if you want it.

Hugs and good thoughts to all of you.

lonewolf

[April2]

I hope I speak for Cat too but I don't think you're intruding at all! Any responses are welcome, I think. Please don't worry about intruding. Your thoughts and ideas are important too.
Blessings!