17 year old parents

[aj93]

is it wrong for two 17year olds to wanna have a baby and have been trying for close to a year? live together and getting married soon.

[AnnieBrooke]

Get married soon, pay off all your bills, get a nice place to live, save some money, take a few nice vacations, live through all the Thanksgiving and Christmas rounds with both sets of in-laws, get your job nailed down and his job nailed down.  Then try for a baby.  Otherwise you are dooming yourself to poverty, arguments, stress and probable failure of the relationship.  Not a pretty package to bring a child into.  What are you going to do when it is no longer a cute baby and is now a mouthy 6-year-old who won't behave?  You have to have a big savings account of tolerance and certainty to draw on, then.  Good luck, I know the pull, but it's all emotions and no common sense.

[Clysta]

That really depends on your definition of "wrong". Is it irresponsible? More than likely. Who is paying your bills---if you're living on your own, do you have insurance? Do you both own your own cars, pay grocery bills, pay for gas, have an education, have any intentions to do something with your future? Do either of you have jobs? If so, will they let you take a leave of absence once you have a baby? Can you afford to live on one income? Based on your age it's the general assumption you have no job that will go anywhere. (IE dead end job) If you do intend to go back to work after baby is born, who will watch the child. Will it be family, or daycare? If it's daycare, have you factored in cost? Daycare in my area is a couple hundred a day. It's even more expensive for a newborn. You're both 17. You're not even adults yet. You've hardly lived life, and have likely not even lived together long.

Then there's also the idea that you're getting married. I was engaged and got pregnant a few months before my wedding. 5 to be exact. The entire thing had to be called off and everything sent back. I got married when my daughter was 15 days old instead. No honeymoon, no time to enjoy just me and my husband, nothing. Could you two handle that in your first few years of marriage? The first 5 are hard, and a child makes it harder. You two won't get to go out together, you won't have any life. At all. This works for some people (it does for my husband and I) but it does get tiring sometimes. We have to plan even going to the store now.

If you want a personal opinion----I think you're both too young and need to enjoy life. You're too young for children, and you shouldn't rush life. After all...if you're both getting married and it's actually love and not puppy love you'll have the rest of your life to have children.

[aj93]

we have been together 1year and 5months. were friends before that. there are ways to get help with a baby and no one could deny me my baby. we have a place to stay and room for a baby. two 18 year olds with a baby dont sound so bad when there is never anything to do but clean houses for money. baby would be no problem. work until i have it or close to it let my husband take over when i cant work until i can work then we both work and i have lots of family that would love to baby sit for low money pay.

[Tryingforbaby2]

I think it is pretty common for 17 but ar olds to want a baby but there is so much to it. If there are complcations in the pregnancy then you will not be able to work so hubby would have to support you the whole time. Also, it is really hard to go back to work right after baby is born, emotionally and physically. Babies make many things more difficult and as much as we love them, they are a lot of work. It is great to have family willing to help but you want to be prepared to do this on your own. Cleaning houses when you are pregnant can be very difficult. Some chemicals are not good and as your body goes through changes it will be hard to do many of those cleaning tasks. You really should learn to enjoy eachother for a while first, at least for a couple of years. You have plenty of time for babies, enjoy your time together for now. It is never the same afterwards.

[babyhope40527]

dear friend

first of all; i would recommend focusing on education or career; even marriage is too early at 18; i am sure you both must be totally compatible but you are still a kid; as long as we are sure of long term relationship it is good to lead to a marriage; are you totally prepared for the baby responsibility; are you both working and independent? i might sound materialistic; good luck anyway.

[romiaaron]

An infant is easy to care for, they sit there all day and you feed him and burp him and change his diaper.  He may cry every so often or maybe all the time, but I assume you are aware of that.  What you need to think about is when that baby turns 1 and suddenly it's not as easy as filling a bottle of milk to feed him; now he needs breakfast, lunch and dinner.  And not just any food, you have to make sure he can chew and swallow it and you will have to clean up the food that he will toss on the floor just because he knows you don't want him to.  He doesn't just lie there anymore, he is running and climbing the chair and climbing the stairs and throwing balls narrowly missing the glass vase and you will have to constantly watch him and make sure he is safe.  And changing his diaper now becomes struggling with a wiggly child who wont lay down because (god forbid) you need to change his dirty diaper.  

Trust me the baby part IS the easy part, it's all the stuff after that that is the hardest part.  If you don't have the full support of the father (who can help you hold him down while you tie his shoes) it will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do.  You just have to look at your life now...  Just for fun make breakfast, lunch and dinner for your parents everyday and then clean up after them and then change their clothes and watch where they walk in the house at every moment for one week (just picture that with a little person, trust me, it's the same amount of work and it doesn't include baths and putting them to sleep and waking up at 5am for a feeding).

I know I am rambling on.. and you probably think I am exaggerating to make it sound unpleasant to deter you from it, but I'm not.  I am 28, married with a 2 year old child and I can't tell you how much I would LOVE to sleep in ONE day or sleep longer than 6 hours for that matter.  It's not easy, save it for later in life when you've had a chance to enjoy every part of your youth.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Saying "no one can deny you your baby" makes it sound like you think the child is never going to be anything but.  You are not using any words like "child" or "teenager."  Do you think a baby does not grow up?  As the ladies are saying, once a child is a toddler, there isn't even a chance to get a shower or dry your hair without the kid crying, getting into your makeup, or spilling something in the kitchen.  A child can mess up the house faster than you can clean it.  You seem to think you can hand off the child any time to others, it isn't always that easy to find help on your schedule.  

Don't you have any life plans that are exciting?  It sounds like you can't think of anything except this baby idea.  Certainly there are better things to do when you are 17.  

[aj93]

im out of school and the father would be here at all times other than work. i have always been good with babys and kids. i have always had a baby in my family and i have always loved to help out the best i could. i have had a job babysitting and i just love babys and kids at all ages. my soon to be husbands grandmother stays here with us and is here everyday until 3 so that is help for shower time for me and a little help cleaning since she also lives here. but the thing is i can get pregnant. i have tried and tried but nothing. i am not on meds. to get a period and be more fertil..... and no i dont think it would be easy to hand my baby to whoever whenever i know how that goes i have lots of friends and family with babys. i wouldn hand my baby top whoever to watch i would take care of it the only times i would get someone else to watch it would be for a break for me and the father and for the family to enjoy it a day or two at the time. maybe every few months. for a few yesrs now i have wanted someting i can take care of and give a nice life to and i can do that now even at 17 and i feel im 100% ready at 17 almost 18.

[Clysta]

You seem to have unrealistic ideas."two 18 year olds with a baby dont sound so bad when there is never anything to do but clean houses for money. baby would be no problem."

Baby isn't going to stay little forever. My daughter is 8 months old. I can't even turn my back on her for 6 seconds without risk that she'll kill herself on something. You also seem to be under the impression that you will work up till term. That might sound realistic now, but you've also never been pregnant. It's not just a walk in the park. It hurts, it's long, and it can be complicated. Some women are put on bed rest early on. That means no sex, no moving except to use the bathroom and see your doctor. Nothing. You're also going to get bigger, and basic things get more difficult. You have no idea how your body will react. I spent 9 months vomiting nonstop and had trouble with food, liquid and weight.

You sound highly dependent on others, and that shows you're not prepared for the care of another life.

[AnnieBrooke]

aj, with respect, the grandma didn't sign on to be your back-up babysitter.  Whose house is it, yours?  Or hers?  She might get tired with this and ask you to move out.  Where would you be then?

You have no interest in doing something exciting and interesting before being tied down with a child?  Or do you just think there is nothing you would be able to do, no interesting school or exciting job or travel or anything, that is within your reach?  17 (and 18) are for finding yourself and having fun.  It sounds like you are trying to fill that gap with a baby.

[worththewait78]

I agree with the comments here and think that just the fact that you are having to ask in a public forum shows that you are not ready or mature enough for a child!  I wasn't a mother until I was 30 and, looking back, I am SO grateful that things turned out the way that they did!  I can't imagine having children when I was less mature than I am now.  

[aj93]

i dont think it makes me less mature that i said i could have the grandma watch the child for a ten minute shower. i do everything for her now she would never mind in a million years to watch the child ten minutes a day for a shower. an no my interest is to have a baby that will turn into a child and teen and adult. i know babys grow as i said i have done lots and lots of baby sitting through out my whole life. i had to grow up fast i was abused as a child up to about 13 years old by a guy that wasn even my dad and my mom was never home when she was she was high on pills. so i grew up fast and moved out fast. when i moved out at first my life was nothing but party and friends now im ready to grow up have a job and start on a family of my own. and i didnt ask this question because im not mature or ready i asked to see what others thought of the idea.....

[my5stinkers]

Im going to tell you right now as a former teen mom it's hard! I had my first son when I was 17 and it was very unplanned. Im now married to his father and we have more children but if I could have waited I would have. Live your life and have fun right now. In a few short years you'll be much better off having children.

[maybebaby29]

Honey, I was 37 years old when I had my first child and it was HARD. No sleep, ER visits, hospital visits, colic, surgery, acid reflux, special formula at $200 a month or more depending on how much he ate. And this is with a very good job, insurance, etc.

PARENTING IS HARD. Don't believe the whole "oh they sleep all the time" because while that is partially true, they also sleep for 1.5 hours at a time in the middle of the night.

Seriously, get an education in childcare and work at a daycare facility with babies. Or become a neonatal nurse. You don't have to become a parent at 17/18 to be with babies.

I would never, ever encourage my child to have a baby as a teen let alone early 20s if they didn't live life and have an education. TRUST ME.

[maybebaby29]

And to add, it's not that I never loved my son. I love him beyond words. But there is also consideration of your own health. Post partum depression is real. So real that my son's medical issues combined with the PPD = big IF on the 2nd child. He's amazing, loving, and my whole world. But the negatives of being a parent? I don't know if I can handle it at 37. Now if I were 17-18 years old? It would be a definate no way. Wait until you're older.

Good luck on making the right choice. Having a baby is more than just satisfying YOUR needs. Do what is right for someone else. (don't do it)

[AnnieBrooke]

What is often seen on this site is women who are past 30 expressing their interest in having kids but also telling the truth about their realistic doubts, and teenagers under 18 expressing their strong, driven desire to have kids and swearing they have no realistic doubts and demanding people to tell them there *are* no realistic doubts.  

Sweetheart, please listen to the people who have been there with kids.  We have all, also been 17.  Especially listen to the ones who had kids unexpectedly when young, and had to deal with the struggle to be a mom when still developing their reserves of patience and clarity of thought.  

I saw a very young mom in a restaurant the other day, trying to talk to her boyfriend (we were in the next seats at one of those big, open places where you are practically sitting next to each other) about something he had done that she was annoyed about (it sounded like he had paid attention to another girl) and her child of about age 3 was wanting her attention.  She would yell at the boyfriend, and then turn and lash out at the child to shut up, then yell at the boyfriend some more.  Every fourth word was unprintable, and though she was not saying those to her child, she was saying them clearly enough to the boyfriend that I could hear them fine, so obviously her child could too.  It was really unhappy.  

I know you will read this and swear this will not be you, because you have been a babysitter so long and know everything that goes into it.  But please try to assess your patience level and your typical reactions when things happen that are out of your control (and out of control in general, because with kids, that is what will happen at times for sure).  When I was 17, I was working the 6 am shift at a restaurant and going to high school, and awfully tired just from that.  One day during that stint, my dog came up to me and wanted my attention when I got home.  I yelled at the dog, who I loved, and then thought, "Boy, if this is just me with a dog, how would I be with a child?"  My own rush of impatience was enough to make it clear to me that I was nowhere near ready to have kids, at that point.  

Isn't there anything more you want out of life?  It is sure easier to get it when it is just you, to take care of, than when you are carrying around a little ball and chain.

[AnnieBrooke]

As with the other ladies, I have to make clear I love my little ball and chain and went to great lengths to get him.  :)  But it doesn't mean I would fight anyone who comments that parenthood is hard work.  

[aj93]

i understand its hard work trust me i have two kittens i treat as babys as i have the past few weeks. i act as if there babys and kids and watch there every move clean up after them all day and wake up a million times a night to feed them + bottle feeding a new born kitten is big practice feeding every two hours and cleaning up and all. i understand how hard it will be but for some reason i cant shake this big feeling that seems to be in my heart to have a child. i just want a child so bad to love and care for its all i ever think about and stress over. all the worie in the world would be worth it to me. and i have been through a lot in life to know how hard things can be even just being 17.....

[AnnieBrooke]

I believe you, sweetheart.  A lot of kids who have been in abusive situations are ready to fight the abuse and neglect they suffered, and one way they often think of to fight it is to try to immediately have a baby to show those abusive people how it all should be done and everything will turn out happily ever after.  But wanting to have a child does not mean you need to have a child now.  You're 17, still healing from the scars of the past.  Say you found a job where someone noticed that you have a good head on your shoulders, and got you some interesting responsibility with more to come.  You bootstrapped from that and got some more education, say trade school if you don't like academia, or academia if it seemed to have a good connection to the interesting work you are starting to do.  Say then that you got yourself really settled in a nice place, really were able to make it totally your own.  The next thing you might want to do, once you were feeling secure in your job and like a real contributor there, could possibly be to put the pains of the past to bed.  (I've noticed that we really only can work on the past when things are going pretty well and looking hopeful for the future, instead of when everything is kind of frozen in place because it might all crash.)  You could make some good long-term plans then, and be emotionally free.  Once you're at that place, then you have the depth of emotional energy you need to be a really great parent, not a stressed parent with no goals and not enough money and worries up to here and a short fuse.  To be a good parent, you have to give and give and give.  It takes so much to do it right, unlike the miniscule effort the yelling girl was expending at the restaurant to do it wrong.  I know you want to patch the holes in your heart caused by the mistreatment you suffered in the past, but please, do it with your adult relationships and your efforts to find a good spot in the world.  Once you have all those pieces together for yourself, and get the pieces assembled for a child, bring that child into your world, but not until you have all the pieces in place to be able to give it your best.  

[aj93]

another reason i want a child now is im scared the older i get i wont be able to cuz i do have problems keeping me from being able to have children that im trying to fight off now and have a kid while i can. i dont want to lose my chance of having a child of my own to love and care for and give the best life i can better that what i had. thanx for being so understanding annie

[Clysta]

How do you know you have problems? Just because you're not pregnant now doesn't mean anything. You've posted you've tried for a month on your journals and profile. I'm sorry, but what you're saying still isn't justification. Children are different than babysitting and definitely different than pets.

[aj93]

the reason i said anything about a pet is cuz there lots of work. i want a baby and nothing is going to change that or stop me from trying. i know i can take care of a baby and im ready. im done with the party life ready to settle dowbn with a family. thats all i care about and i have a heart big enough for it. i have no family or anything anymore and i want my own. i want the family i should have always had but i cant get it and change my family. i was abused and raped.... family is nothing but a word to me and i want to see how it should have been for me... now im crying. i just want a baby and my own family!!!!:,( im so hurt and scared and all i can ever think about is having a kid!!!:,( i see all these happy familys and thats what i want. thats all i have ever wanted.

[Clysta]

Having been through the same things, I can say all I do with confidence. I was beaten and raped for 15 years, for by my father and then by my step-brother. I've been through things that people can't even imagine, and still struggle with it. I wake up screaming at night with dreams about what he did to me and my sister.

Having had a daughter and now being married, I can tell you know that, while you think a family and child will change that, nothing will. Children DO NOT fix those holes. They help to make your future better, but they also add extreme amounts of stress as well. I remember when I was around 5 months PP. Depression hit me hard and fast. You're more likely to have it when you have a traumatic past. Can you handle working all day long, and then coming home with a screaming baby and being up all night long too? Can you handle housework, shopping, laundry, bills, AND a baby? What about the fights and arguments with your spouse/boyfriend as well? You can't say it won't happen, because it will, and that's a fact. What happens when you hit 21, and you can't do anything because you have a baby in the house. When will you go out and do anything? You can't depend on family to do that stuff.

You say all this stuff about being ready, but everything you say shows the complete opposite. Pets compared to children are nothing. If that's a lot of work, you're in for a very rude awakening when you have children. Yes, I'm being very harsh in what I say, but it's because it's VERY obvious you're not prepared for children yet. How do you know you're done with a party life? You're not even LEGAL yet. Hell, you're not even an adult yet.

I understand you want a happy family, but families aren't all happiness and rainbows. They're stressful, hard and long. Statistically, odds are you and your boyfriend won't even stay together. You say he will, but you don't know that. Many young teenage men leave their partner when she's pregnant or when the babies born. We see stories of it everyday. People change. Never assume you'll be that lucky case. If you honestly believe you'll have a baby and things will be perfect and happy, you're extremely naive.

[aj93]

i dont want drama from this question. ya know it would be nice to get one good thing on here. i dont need people telling me im not ready. only i know when im ready and i am ready. party time is over cuz the whole time i did party it was drama. i mean we all have our sad story to tell me raped abused stolen from by my MOTHER while my lil sister was crowned princess. never even touched other than to love. me only touched to hit or throw into a wall just because i wasnt feeling good. nevre had my real dad growing up until a few months ago i met him 4the first time. now. my mom lives in quinby is off drugs but has nothing to do with me now that she can no longer hurt or steal from me. my ''father figure'' is on drugs and only uses me. i dont want a child to cover the past pain i know it will never go away. but a baby would take it off my mind sometimes and I WOULD LOVE IT to no end. im also not sayin a baby is like an animal i said that for the simple fact that some people say fallow ur g.ma around all day or whatever well a kitten bottle fed every two hours is more work that a g.ma. and  still i HAVE to do the kitty thing i have two and had one baby one that was fed out the bottle. im sorry for what was done to u grown up but we all have a sad story :( things happen that nevre should to people that should not have done to them but it happens and ill never know why until i get to heaven and ask my lord and savior jesus. just didnt want to ignore that part of what u said.