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HIV Anxiety Support Community
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Avatar universal

Can't stop thinking about HIV. Can't be rational. Kinda long but pls read.

Hi,
 
At the end of November I had unprotected oral sex with both a man and a CSW.  I'm pretty sure (I was very high on 'crank' and drunk) had protected intercourse with them.
 
I never worry about oral sex since I know it's basically safe and I have very good oral hygiene.  And I don't sleep around other than when I take drugs (which I almost never do). 
 
But on that night, my throat was extremely harsh after having smoked an entire pack of cigarette (I normally don't smoke) and snorting A LOT of amphetamines, which really stinged my nose/throat badly. 
 
3 days later my lymph nodes got insanely swollen.  I did not worry about it because I knew it was too soon for HIV.  Then on the fifth day after my encounter I had an awful diarrhea for two days.  The diarrhea and lymph nodes disappeared on the 7th day. 
 
But afterwards, extreme fatigue, joint/muscle pain, cold sweats and a persistent sore throat settled in.  Panick slowly started creeping over me.  I couldn't stop worrying about HIV.  On the 14th day after my exposure, I had enough and went to the doctor.  She tested me for oral gono, strep and mono.  Strep and mono both came out positive.  Recieved antibiotics and was told to rest.  And so I did.
 
But then I read that monospots (test to diagnose mono) are not very specific and that HIV (ARS) can cause false positive.  Anxiety took me over again.  On the 3rd week I got my kid's cold but it away in a few days.
 
Symptoms kept lingering on for a month.  I went on vacation to a sunny place.  Felt less tired but the sore throat just wouldn't go away!  I started having flashes of pain in my lymph nodes in my neck and armpit.  Adding to this, about 4 or 5 mouth ulcers popped up within 2 days in my mouth.  This added to my anxiety.  I couldn't enjoy myself at all because HIV was constantly in the front of my mind.
 
I came back from my trip very sick.  Horrible cough and difficulty breathing.  I went to ER and was given antibiotics for a pneumonia and was again diagnosed with mono after a blood test.  I got an horrible diarrhea which I blamed on my antiobitics but it didn't go away days after I ended my course of antiobitics. 
 
Was now on the 6th week after my exposure.  I still felt very tired, throat was still burning ALL THE TIME (especially in the pharynx, just behind my tongue and the soft spouth in roof of my mouth).   Adding pain in the spleen and random shooting pains in my liver that just made me fold in two.  I decided to take two weeks off from work. 
 
I went to a doctor on the 7th week and talked to her about it.  She told me not to worry.  Gave me a series of blood tests to go through, including HIV, syphillis and hephatitis.  I decided to take them on the 9th week to get as much accuracy as possible on my test and I didn't want my current sickness meddling with the results (even though I'm aware that is rare).
 
I had my tests done last Friday.  I'll have my results next week, on Friday.  My symptoms completly cleared only a few days ago. 
 
I'll be honest am not very optimistic.  I am depressed at the idea that I could have brrought up this illness in my family.  I haven't told my GF and I don't want to.  I try to avoid sex but I don't refuse it to her so she doesn't start having doubts.  We always have protected intercourse  because she can't take the pill but I'm still afraid I gave it to her at some point.  On top of that, she is breastfeeding our newborn.
 
I feel so bad for what I did, I collapsed in tears two weeks ago when I was alone, looking at my baby's crib and started making preparations for suicide in the outcome I get a positive results.
 
I try to convince myself HIV is almost never passed through oral sex but I can't help it.  I even contacted the CSW and the man in question and they both brushed off my fears, saying they are always safe.  The CSW said she tests every 3 month and the guy says he never does anything without a condom and that he is not very active sexually.  He also mentionned that he never ejaculated in my mouth.  The CSW basicially laughed and said I only put my mouth on her vagina for a minute and that she wasn't even wet (she remembered our encounter because of how high I was and because it involved two guys). 
 
But I really have a hard time believing in coincidences.  I am still terrified of HIV. 
5 Responses
Avatar universal
You did the right thing by getting tested. If those are your only possible risks you can expect your HIV test to be negative. There is no good scientific data that supports that HIV is transmitted through oral sex.

Avatar universal
I'm expecting the negative result and I'm 99.9% certain I used condoms apprproiatly...as confirmed by my partners.  But I can't beat the anxiety and I wonder if a negative result will really help.  

And I still wonder if I'll be the unlucky one who gets HIV orally.  I try to tell myself my symptoms lasted way too long and started too early but I read people recalling their seroconversion and it,s'not consistent with the figures people repeat all the time.  Ars seems to come in many different ways.
Avatar universal
"Strep and mono both came out positive."

"...and was again diagnosed with mono after a blood test."

THIS explains your symptoms.


"But I can't beat the anxiety and I wonder if a negative result will really help."

If that is the case then you should consider seeking professional mental help.  


Avatar universal
Like I mentionned, the monospot (test for mono) can be positive due to hiv.  It is not a very reliable test.

I know that's'a lot of 'ifs' to make this HIV but I can't help thinking it is.
Avatar universal
Tests for mono DO NOT diagnose HIV and you didn't do anything to put yourself at risk for it.

There is no point in continuing this discussion. Feel free to post your test result, otherwise I have nothing more to say. This thread is closed for further comments unless and until you post your test result.
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