HIV anxiety destroying my life.

[n8an]

Hello everybody,
I'm sorry but this post is going to be jumbled.

I'm a 22-year-old bisexual guy who has long suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks for which I have sought treatment at times but never felt toraly cured. Despite this, friends and family are not aware of the extent of my issues as I am excellent at hiding them.

My anxiety associated with HIV is so strong that I cannot live a normal life. My fear started when I first made out with a guy at age 19. Although it was his first time doing anything sexual as well as mine, thefact that we progressed to oral sex has haunted me ever since.

I have always been a sick child, suffering from tonsillitis many times every year, as well as other viruses and glandular fever (mono). My glands have been swollen to the extreme since I can remember and I have always suffered from
Sore throats and tiredness. Despite a few other sexual encounters, I never progressed beyond receiving oral sex (and that itself took immense persuasion (even force) and I immensely regretted it and suffered anxiety since.

I am currently travelling over Europe and the middle east and I was convinced by several people that I need to "get over" my extreme anxiety by kissing whoever whenever. I have kissed lots of people but each time have held back, for fear of swallowing saliva. I progressed to oral sex with two guys who were both certified clean.

I am currently sick again, sore throat, swollen glands and coughing up phlegm daily and randomly. Every mosquito bite or pimple I see I am convinced is a legion of HIV. My entire body and mind are consumed by fear. I find myself dizzy, unable to walk, weak, blurry vision, short of breath and on the verge of tears at all times. It is not enough to reassure myself that I have had these types of issues all my life, or that my sexual activity has been
Very limited and safe.

I talked to my psychologist about this and suggested that I get tested, to which he replied that I shouldn't - I should trust my own knowledge that what I have done poses no risk and I need to realize this if I am ever going to get over this.

The guilt and worry I feel has me on the verge of a total nervous breakdown. I feel that HIV is inevitable for me
And delaying the confirmation of this is the only control I have. I envision the entire situation - finding out, crying, collapsing in the doctors surgery, telling my family and friends, being totally rejected by everyone, having nobody around me, becoming homeless and lifeless and never ever finding success, happiness or somebody to love. Just complete isolation, sickness and eternal sadness, shame and condemnation.

I'm sorry for the long and stupid post but I'm struggling so badly to cope with this alone. Everybody tells
I'm being ridiculous and that if I was any more virginal I'd be asexual, but I can't help it. I feel like HIV is following me, inside me or waiting to be, and ready to end my life socially and emotionally even before it does physically.

I don't even know why I'm posting here...just maybe hoping for a kind word.

Thanks for reading.

[Richard1985]

That's what the brain does. At least you haven't had full sex. I have had full sex with sex workers 9 times and used them a total of 11 over 5 years. Each and every time it was protected but do you know how much I worry?

In my case - I have been told NO RISK, NO TESTING NEEDED and I can continue unprotected sex with my girlfriend.

I also can't bring myself to test like you. But if we remain abstinent we'll be ok. Chalk this up as a chapter of your life and work on never letting yourself be in a situation of worry.

Trust me if anyone knows how u feel it's me. I still don't know whether I'm allright or not. I'm so scared.

[n8an]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I havent actually seen a psychologist for over a year because I felt like I wasn't really making progress (I've tried many many times). We did try cognitive behavioral therapy, although I was quite unsuccessful - I'm not very good at that kind of thing. I think that once I get home from travelling I will return and try again (the fact that I'm posting on this site whilst travelling instead of enjoying means that I clearly need it).

I really have a super high level of anxiety about this issue right now and find myself almost completely convinced that I have been infected.

I really appreciate your kind words and advice - they are surprisingly effective in helping me to calm down.

[JGF25]

Other than explaing to you why you don't need to be tested, what has the psychologist been doing for you?  Is he/she teaching you cognitive behavioral therapy so that you can help yourself with the anxiety and irrational thoughts?  Have you been on medication or ever thought of taking it to help with the irrational thinking, the forward thinking, the anxiety and I'm sure what has turned into depression?  

I think that you are suffering needlessly and that it is time to take back your life.  

[n8an]

Also, to mention:

The thought of taking an STD test is beyond terrifying to me. My fear of other STDs is minuscule compared to HIV but still exists. Nonetheless I cannot take a test. The thought alone is enough to bring my to tears, lying down on my bed quivering in a fetal position.  I am more than terrified, it has been suggested tome many times to take a test but as my psychologist says I feel it would not help. But I cannot do it anyway, it is an
Absolutely horrifying prospect to me. It makes me feel as though the world is ending.

P.S. I am very closeted as a bisexual and uncomfortable with this. I understand the relation but this doesn't help either.