In constant fear and worry

[prayingandhopinginsd]

Hello All,

I have been stressed out of my mind. The anxiety is taking over my life. I have had assessments from Dr. Hook and Teak but find myself still in a constant panic.

I have been married for 4.5 years and have a 22month old son. My wife and I have had a great relationship for 10 years.  

5 weeks ago I had unprotected oral MsM. I was drunk and made a terrible choice.  There was no ejaculation and most likely there was pre ***. It didnt last long. I was tested for all stds and had massive worry and Im terribly ashamed at what I had done to my family.The guilt is so strong I counldnt and havent been able to sleep. I confessed to my wife that I had done something to our trust and about the tests but left out the specifics. luckily all was negative. I went to a mental health doctor and was put on Paxil. My wife and I talked things over and continued our life and sex life which mostly consists of unprotected sex.

  I didnt worry about HIV as I have read and heard the "no risk" from oral.   At around 3 to 4 weeks I started getting sick... soar throat, cough some congestion and body pains here and there. I goggled my symptoms and you can guess the rest.  I have been so affriad that I may have given my wife (whom I don't deserve) HIV. Since then all that consumes me is this fear and I cant shake it, I continually think of killing myself upon a positive test result which is even worse to do to my son.

At 31 days I took a oraquick antibody test negative. I was so scared it was wrong i went again the next day a took another Negative. The clinic insisted I was at risk and had put my wife at risk. I went and took a PCR Antigen $250 test get the results Friday or Monday but read today how they are not of real value. Im thinking of going to the clinic this evening for another antibody test but its only been 38 days. Im trying to tell myself Its ok and wait my Negative results and move on.

I have read many threads on this site, They are what has been getting me through each day. I wish i could take to my Family (Dad,Brother, etc) But they are conservative Catholics and would never understand.

1)What Should I expect with the results?
2)What have others done in this situation?

Thank you for you time and for this forum.

[joggen]

The combination of the PCR and antibody tests would be 100% accurate. Additional testing would be a waste of time and money. I strongly advise you to let it end here.

[jose883]

Hi, I had a similar situation. I had unprotected sex six months ago. I'm married and have two kids. Immediately after that, I felt terrible, I felt I had destroyed my life, my family, and that I was going to infect with HIV to mi wife. Two weeks after that I began to develop symptoms. Enlarged lymph nodes, pain in the legs, night sweats, some rash in one arm, shaking hands and legs, an herpes-like infection in my tongue. Not all at the same time, but one after the other, in the course of four or five months. I was terrified, I couldn't sleep nor work or live. However all my tests have come negative. Including 3rd and 4th generation ELISA, and a quantitative PCR. So it seems that despite all my fears, I do not have HIV.

What I have done? Well my level of anxiety was so high that at the end I had to talk to my wife and to my parents. I'm taking psychiatric medicine (it works!) and I'm also going to a therapist (my wife is going to). My father has helped me a lot in this situation. Also my wife is trying to overcome all this situation. Talk to the people you trust more. When you are in such an state of anxiety you can't think properly. Ask for help, all kind of help, you will find it.

I will lie to you if I tell you that I feel safe now. I have had so many symptoms that it has been difficult for me to move on. Although I now that the possibilities to have HIV are so small having all these tests. Lot of people here in the forum, have NO RISK situations (like having sex using a condom) and, anyway develop all kind of symptoms. That is way HIV can't be diagnosed through symptoms, only trough test.

As Joggen and Xhost have told you, there is no risk in oral sex. That means that you are negative. Keep in mind that PCR is not a test designed to diagnose HIV. It has a high rate of false positives, about 5%. That means that if the prevalence of HIV in the population is one in a thousand, and you make a PCR test to 1000 people, you will get 49 people with a false positive result for each true positive.

You will have a negative result.

Hope this helps!

Jose

[prayingandhopinginsd]

I should be getting my pcr test results back this afternoon. I know how you all feel about those particular tests. If I get the negative result should I take it as I'm done and able to move on. My anxirty is threw the roof today as I wait for the work day to end so I can call for my results. I'm terrified even though Im continually telling myself I had no risk with oral.

So in short if it's negative, it's safe to move on and be done? No more tests?

Thanks again!!

[prayingandhopinginsd]

Thanks for your response and support it is very comforting. This one act (oral) was the only thing done no intercourse. I do think I will be taking your advise and speaking with a therapist. Im trying to just relize I tried something that wasn't for me and to move on. Easier said than done ofcoarse but better today and hopfuly negative results tomorrow.

I also will not be drinking for some time while I heal my mind.

Again thank you for your words of encouragement.

[Xhost]

Oh, the ravages of guilt upon an innocent mind! I cannot remember who said that, and, in fact, it may have been me!

That said, I also feel for you. Whomever it may have been who told you that you were at risk, and also put your wife at risk, should be dismissed from their job and made to work in a salt mine for the next five years. Ok, that is a little harsh, but so was this person in his or her response to you. And wrong! So wrong!

As Joggen has pointed out, you had oral sex. As Joggen has also pointed out, oral sex is not a risk for HIV. So, certainly in your case, you had no risk of having contracted HIV in the situation you have described, and you certainly are HIV negative today if this is your only "risk" (and note how I put risk in quotes? Because it really wasn't a risk).

Putting aside questions of HIV status, it must be very difficult to deal with this. The guilt and, perhaps, given the activity, the shame you might be feeling. And I do not say that as if it is something you should feel. Instead, I say it because it sounds as if you are experiencing this, the worst of all feelings. I understand why you are feeling this way, especially given your familial background the circumstances. But, I also feel that you may, just may, be using thoughts of HIV to punish yourself for your indiscretion. And that's simply not fair - to yourself, to your family. I get the impulse, because I've been there. But in the end, I realized, as I hope you will realize, that you are a human being, prone to making mistakes (in terms of infidelity, not MSM activity).

So, mistake made, and now, lesson learned, yes? Sounds to me like you learned something from all of this. Also sounds to me like you are decent person, with a conscience, and that is all to the good. But don't let your conscience take you down this long and winding road. You don't deserve that, no matter how you are feeling about yourself now.

Your best bet, as J above has already said, is to discuss this with a therapist if you cannot come to terms. There is help there, if you will avail yourself of it.

[joggen]

"The clinic insisted I was at risk and had put my wife at risk."

It makes me really sad to read this. So many ignorant, incompetent people working in the field of HIV who unnecessarily incite anxiety in their patients. If there were any justice in the world, you would be able to sue them for malpractice. Of course, they aren't the only ones to blame- the people who publish crap about HIV symptoms are equally responsible. Right now, thousands of people are doing the exact thing that you have done- create a Boolean query in Google that combines HIV with whatever they happen to be feeling at that time and viola!: the Internet says I have HIV!

Anyway, to your questions:

1. Since oral sex is inconsequential to HIV, then you will receive negative results if that incident is your only MSM activity. If you have had unprotected anal sex with men, then I can't guarantee that your result will be negative.

2. It's good that you are under a doctor's care for your anxiety, but perhaps you may want to consider talking with a therapist about this as well. It sounds like talking to somebody about this in person will help you.