Aa
Terrified of HIV, please, please help me with my concerns
I know this is a long question, but if you could give me feedback on my situation it would mean the world to me.
Hi, I had sex with a commercial sex worker in the red light district in amsterdam. i was an idiot and double bagged my condoms. she gave me oral for a bit but then i had vaginal sex with her for a good 35 seconds, then i stopped because i was pretty nervous about catching something, she then took off my condoms (from what i saw they didn't rip). She put a new condom on, and finished me with oral.
I started sweating so hard since that night. It has been exactly a month (30 days), and i've had the longest month in my life. The first week I had night terrors, and kept sweating. Then about a week later, I was really lightheaded and nauseous and felt like vomiting. I really let the idea of HIV scare the day lights out of me, it is conquering my life. 13 days after i had sex with the sex worker i came out negative from a PCR test. I was so, so relieved, but then i found out it wasn't conclusive. That very same day, i was so fatigued, then i developed a small rash on my eye lid, and rim of my nose. I'm pretty sure it was from the anxiety pills i started taking a week before to help me with my anxiety about the results of the PCR test. Those were two very common side effects, fatigue and skin allergic reaction. Three days later i stopped taking the pills and the fatigue and rash disappeared.
About 3 weeks after Amsterdam, my joints, I mean all my joints started hurting. Toes, wrists, elbows, fingers, hands, knees, all hurt every once in a while. But not at the same time, some times my knees hurt when i walk, or my elbows when i sit down or walk, sometimes my feet. My friend told me that it is probably because i drastically changed my lifestyle, I used to go out and socialize, workout, run alot, now all i do is worry about "what if??", don't drink enough water, eat properly and spend excessive amount of time in front of the computer which could attribute to the pain in my wrists, hands, and elbows (would make sense). Another friend told me that I'm using this whole HIV as a way to kind of symbolize all the other stresses going in my life, (right now i'm in an exchange program in germany for a year, I just turned 21 and miss my friends and family back home in the US). The stress, sitting all the time, not drinking all the time, extreme anxiety, not eating enough, and amazing mind tricks could actually be making me sick.
But then i think "what if I have HIV" i've never had all my joints ache IN MY LIFE, but 3 weeks later THEY DO! and it says on acute hiv 2-3 weeks later it would show up. Wouldn't that scare you too??
I don't know what else to think, I'm so scared and alone, this virus terrifies me, the thought of even possibly having it is taking over my life. I've had nightmares of living with the virus every night, and being abandoned by my family and friends almost every night. I've been so depressed the last month, the only time I'm not is when my friends force me to go out and do something I stopped enjoying my time abroad and that's hurting me alot too.
Can anyone give me anything, words of advice, wisdom, maybe an explanation on my joints aching, my spontaneous headaches?? Could of month of obssesive thinking and stress really be doing this to me??? Anything would help me I can't tell my parents or family because I don't want them to worry over me and I'm just so ashamed of what I did in Amsterdam.
* should i wait 3 months to get my tested (2 more months)? if i got a negative i don't think i can ever go back to the US, because I'll be so ashamed. I can't even smile when I see my parents in the airport after not seeing them for a year. Or should I wait 6 months? I can see them without not knowing and be moderately happy and then get tested in California. I'm just so confused, and paralyzed by the fear.
Hi, I had sex with a commercial sex worker in the red light district in amsterdam. i was an idiot and double bagged my condoms. she gave me oral for a bit but then i had vaginal sex with her for a good 35 seconds, then i stopped because i was pretty nervous about catching something, she then took off my condoms (from what i saw they didn't rip). She put a new condom on, and finished me with oral.
I started sweating so hard since that night. It has been exactly a month (30 days), and i've had the longest month in my life. The first week I had night terrors, and kept sweating. Then about a week later, I was really lightheaded and nauseous and felt like vomiting. I really let the idea of HIV scare the day lights out of me, it is conquering my life. 13 days after i had sex with the sex worker i came out negative from a PCR test. I was so, so relieved, but then i found out it wasn't conclusive. That very same day, i was so fatigued, then i developed a small rash on my eye lid, and rim of my nose. I'm pretty sure it was from the anxiety pills i started taking a week before to help me with my anxiety about the results of the PCR test. Those were two very common side effects, fatigue and skin allergic reaction. Three days later i stopped taking the pills and the fatigue and rash disappeared.
About 3 weeks after Amsterdam, my joints, I mean all my joints started hurting. Toes, wrists, elbows, fingers, hands, knees, all hurt every once in a while. But not at the same time, some times my knees hurt when i walk, or my elbows when i sit down or walk, sometimes my feet. My friend told me that it is probably because i drastically changed my lifestyle, I used to go out and socialize, workout, run alot, now all i do is worry about "what if??", don't drink enough water, eat properly and spend excessive amount of time in front of the computer which could attribute to the pain in my wrists, hands, and elbows (would make sense). Another friend told me that I'm using this whole HIV as a way to kind of symbolize all the other stresses going in my life, (right now i'm in an exchange program in germany for a year, I just turned 21 and miss my friends and family back home in the US). The stress, sitting all the time, not drinking all the time, extreme anxiety, not eating enough, and amazing mind tricks could actually be making me sick.
But then i think "what if I have HIV" i've never had all my joints ache IN MY LIFE, but 3 weeks later THEY DO! and it says on acute hiv 2-3 weeks later it would show up. Wouldn't that scare you too??
I don't know what else to think, I'm so scared and alone, this virus terrifies me, the thought of even possibly having it is taking over my life. I've had nightmares of living with the virus every night, and being abandoned by my family and friends almost every night. I've been so depressed the last month, the only time I'm not is when my friends force me to go out and do something I stopped enjoying my time abroad and that's hurting me alot too.
Can anyone give me anything, words of advice, wisdom, maybe an explanation on my joints aching, my spontaneous headaches?? Could of month of obssesive thinking and stress really be doing this to me??? Anything would help me I can't tell my parents or family because I don't want them to worry over me and I'm just so ashamed of what I did in Amsterdam.
* should i wait 3 months to get my tested (2 more months)? if i got a negative i don't think i can ever go back to the US, because I'll be so ashamed. I can't even smile when I see my parents in the airport after not seeing them for a year. Or should I wait 6 months? I can see them without not knowing and be moderately happy and then get tested in California. I'm just so confused, and paralyzed by the fear.
Thanks, Vance. I just don't know why I am doing this to myself. Reading all of these HIV statistics, stories, history of the disease has made me convince myself that I really have it. I don't have any other symptoms, just aching joints, I'm not vomiting, no rash, swollen lymph nodes etc. I might have to seek a therapist because I'm having night terrors over this and I'm becoming physically ill by not living in a healthy manner.
You never had a risk from protected sex. You don't have to worry about HIV. You don't need to test.
What is going on is nothing more then anxiety. I suggest you seek a therapist, because nothing is going to help you other then finding a professional to talk about everything that is going on.
What is going on is nothing more then anxiety. I suggest you seek a therapist, because nothing is going to help you other then finding a professional to talk about everything that is going on.
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