So scared and depressed dont want to live

[ds41980]

Am a 46y/o female and I suffer from health anxiety anyways. I had a relationship with a man last july for about 5 months and found out he was a narcissist and a liar. At the time I thought we were going to get married so for about 10 times did not use condoms for unprotected sex (no anal). Now I am convinced that I have HIV. He turned out to be such a liar I have no idea who he is and what he has been up to while he was with me I know that he had a girlfriend before me that is just as scared as me about him. He is now married. I know I have to get tested but I am not ready to give up my notion of my life. I called the ex bf and asked him if he had HIV or anything else and he said no but of course I don't believe him. I just feel like I got a death sentence from him and can not bring myself to go get tested. I am so depressed I have been crying and worrying all day. I just am trying to get the courage to hear the words that I tested positive. Just saying it makes me feel like I want to vomit. Another thing is that I was a nurse in 1992 or 1993 and I pricked myself with a butterfly needle that I had used to take blood from a 4 year old child. Could that have given me HIV...all this time and me not known it? I am beyond frightened and like I said I have convinced myself that I got it. The wife of the BF said they were going to go to get tested today in exchange for some information regarding him but I haven't heard from them. This is the 3rd time they said they were going to go and haven't followed through which further compounds my fears that he is hiding an illness. Can anybody please offer comfort? Thanks.

[CurfewX]

First, I am SO sorry you are going through this awful time.  I urge you to get tested ASAP - if it has been more than 3 months since you last had intercourse with him, ANY test you take will be conclusive now.   The doctors who used to post here stated that even patients who tested positive felt some relief from their anxiety - having a diagnosis is less stressful than wondering, "what if."  And, most people do not have HIV, and of course if he is one of the vast majority of people who do not, you cannot have been infected by him.

Even if you DO have HIV, please remember that it isn't a death sentence anymore, and it's very manageable.  I have friends who have had HIV for 30 years now, and they are doing just fine.  The key is to get treatment as soon as you can, and by not testing, you are potentially delaying treatment that could make a HUGE difference.

Re: the 90's incident.  No way.  You would NOT have HIV that long and not know it.

Please get tested ASAP.  Your odds of being negative are far, far greater than your odds of being positive, even if he did have HIV.  The relief you will feel when you get your negative result will be life-changing.

[AnxiousNoMore]

In addition to everything Curfew said, consider there is no basis for this thought. " I just feel like I got a death sentence from him .."  

Perhaps your mental agony and hatred or your ex is making you think there is always a price to pay, so your bf has to get HIV, - but HIV doesn't have a brain, so is not lurking to hit people who deserve it. BF likely doesn't even have HIV.
Test like Curfew says so your life will be more normal than it is now.

[Chima7]

The biggest part of your fear is not knowing. If you were honest with your feelings, you'd figure out that the fear of not knowing your status is what is causing you the highest amount of stress, more than if you actually had it. The way to eliminate this extreme fear is to get tested because then you'll get rid of the extreme fear of the unknown.

Overall your chances of being infected (or rather, for him to be infected and passing it to you) is not that high. It's not like this is such a common disease. I think the chances are much higher that you're fine and not infected at all. So, all you need to do now is get a test and confirm this.