post bypass anxiety and personality changes

[frightened wife]

My husband had quintuple bypass surgery 8 months ago. He had a mild heart attack 13 years previously which did not require any surgical intervention. I have noticed after his surgery that his anxiety level is extremely high. He lashes out for the smallest things and everything seems to get to him, especially anything that involves me. He drinks more wine to relax and I think it is having an adverse effect. When I mention that he might try some relaxation techniques to quell his anxiety he "goes off". He says "the doctor says I shouldn't be stressed and you are adding to it". I am so worried that if he continues on this pace he will wind up back in the hospital. Now when he stresses about something or drinks I want to avoid him because I don't want to hear him yell or tell me the latest thing I have done to give him anxiety,stress, etc. I spoke to the nurse months ago during his cardiac rehab and she said not to fight with him but don't let him abuse me either. I just don't know what to do anymore. He was not like this prior to the surgery and I just wondered if this is common and if it subsides. I am really trying not to feel sorry for myself but his heart surgery really happened to all of us and has affected everyone. I feel that I am walking on eggshells. Part of me wants to run and hide....getting close to my breaking point. Do you have any advice?
Thank you!

[Sweetwaterguy]

   I am in full agreement with those who suggest your husband is dealing with depression.  I would also add something to anacyde's perceptive comments about depression being "not uncommon."  My language choice would be that depression is almost expected following the experiences of your husband.  One more thing:  Alcohol, as a drug, is a depressant and is likely making matters worse.  
   The advice of having your doctor talk with him about depression is rock solid.  If he is prescribed medication and takes them, it will take some time to notice if the meds are working.  

[spoolins]

I have been recovering for about 8 months from a quad bypass.  I'm 50 years old female who had three heart attacks prior to surgery and long term diabetic.   I sympathize with your family member.  I too have huge mood/emotional mood swings.   I was also forced to go back to work at about 3 months which I was not prepared to do full time.   From the patients perspective, it seems like the world doesn't give you a break for a moment thus the frustration.

Just wanted to speak from the patient's point of view.

:)

[pusher]

I think you said it right when you stated that there is a possibility that he is extremely scared.  I think you are very close to what is happening or has happened to your husband.  I know I was too.  I was so afraid of dying.  I had a real hard time getting all the bottled up feelings and emotions out.  Especially the ones that dealt with my fear and even my disappointment with myself for having all this happen.

For my wife and me, we both know that I will probably die from heart disease way before she does.  Together we decided to live one day at a time, we decided she needed to be more involved in all the financial, insurance and technical matters that I had always handled.  We decided we needed to do  some of the things we had always dreamed about, even if that meant doing some of those things alone.  We are having fun again.  The important thing about all of this is that it isn't about me anymore, it's about us.

Keep the good attitude and keep pushing.

Pusher

[msh22]

thanks so much for responding. you see, i feel that if i can understand just a little bit about what he is going through maybe i can help or be there for him in a more productive way. i see him right now as a man that for whatever the reason is living life in a very negative way--it doesn't really matter anymore what he is or isn't doing that is so wrong...i have thought about it and maybe/just maybe--it isn't actually about those individual things-- but more about the possibility of his being extremely scared--angry--and lashing out at the world--who knows..i am happy to shove all it takes to be sure he  is okay physically. i will continue to do that. i may not be able to 'fix ' the rest /but i will certainly hang in there to help keep him from sinking  into  the abyss. I have begun to feel stronger over this past week. i made some very big decisions about alot of this... so i am not scared to push him to do what has to be done. i used to be so meek and scared about  and didn't want him to 'get upset ' with me--heck--he is upset with the world right now except maybe a little corner he paints for himself every now and then to back up in and keep me out. i think he believes if he leaves me out--then he doesn't have to face the real world. i can't let that happen--because i am in his real world. i do believe the root of alot of this is he is truly still very scared and feels very very alone. The future is all of a sudden too unsure for him--so instead of helping himself it somehow got all turned upside down and he basically is destroying good stuff in his life instead of hanging on.....i can only imagine the fear he was facing as the patient. i can only imagine.
we have a had a great 3 days-as great for us goes...and i can tell you that 90% of it is my attitude change of not sitting and waiting on the bad/which may or may not happen/or being angry all of the time if he was doing this or that. i would like to think  that with the calmness i am imposing on myself - that i am in turn  positioning myself to where i can help him.   i surely hope so anyway.  
i want you to know that you and your family are very fortunate...do not ever lose yourself again!!

[vienna13]

Good books are never too many. Also you can joke about all what I said I stand up for it, and don’t mind if you do joke, if you find it was funny.  I do not.

You divorced because of what ever reason, I was saying, do not divorce from a man based on a false believe that he is abusive simply because he is aging ,have some health issue going trough some difficult time because of  his heart or what ever other problem  and  he is cranky etc....
  
work on it, this is what I said.

“ Lonely people have a greater risk of heart disease, possibly due to differences in how their cardiovascular system reacts in times of stress rather than because of unhealthy behaviors, “
  
I am glad you are not lonely or miserable!:)

[maggiemag]

Gee, where do I start!  LOL
I guess you have to speak for yourself, but I, for one, get better looking every year!!

AND, while I have been divorced since 1989, I am still single and am NOT lonely or miserable!

AND, my worst year since divorce is way better than any year married.  (I am not against marriage btw, at all, just haven't found him yet ;-))

Maybe you read too many books, Vienna?