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post bypass anxiety and personality changes
My husband had quintuple bypass surgery 8 months ago. He had a mild heart attack 13 years previously which did not require any surgical intervention. I have noticed after his surgery that his anxiety level is extremely high. He lashes out for the smallest things and everything seems to get to him, especially anything that involves me. He drinks more wine to relax and I think it is having an adverse effect. When I mention that he might try some relaxation techniques to quell his anxiety he "goes off". He says "the doctor says I shouldn't be stressed and you are adding to it". I am so worried that if he continues on this pace he will wind up back in the hospital. Now when he stresses about something or drinks I want to avoid him because I don't want to hear him yell or tell me the latest thing I have done to give him anxiety,stress, etc. I spoke to the nurse months ago during his cardiac rehab and she said not to fight with him but don't let him abuse me either. I just don't know what to do anymore. He was not like this prior to the surgery and I just wondered if this is common and if it subsides. I am really trying not to feel sorry for myself but his heart surgery really happened to all of us and has affected everyone. I feel that I am walking on eggshells. Part of me wants to run and hide....getting close to my breaking point. Do you have any advice?
Thank you!
Thank you!
Story from the other side of the fence.
I just recently dealt with depression not due to bypass but to arrhythmia problems. For about 9 months my wife was telling me I was too irritable. We'd blame stress, and I would tell her she's creating more stress for me by bringing it up. She also expressed concern about "walking on egg shells" around me.
My Doc and I finally took some steps. Mind you, I did not feel depressed but everyone close to me was telling me I was. I didn't believe them.
I went on an SSRI and on the 3rd week people at work were telling me I seemed happier and a lot less irritable. My wife says I'm back to the guy she remembers before the heart issues. I really didn't know.
Now that some of this fog has lifted, I realize just how much of a red flag her comment was about the egg shells. Wow, that's not good at all.
The SSRI helped a lot, and made me realize just how depressed I was. I love not having that irritability and being mean to my kids anymore. That's not the dad I want them to remember.
SSRIs aren't everyone though. I still have some long term concerns about this approach, I will cross that bridge when I get there...
I just recently dealt with depression not due to bypass but to arrhythmia problems. For about 9 months my wife was telling me I was too irritable. We'd blame stress, and I would tell her she's creating more stress for me by bringing it up. She also expressed concern about "walking on egg shells" around me.
My Doc and I finally took some steps. Mind you, I did not feel depressed but everyone close to me was telling me I was. I didn't believe them.
I went on an SSRI and on the 3rd week people at work were telling me I seemed happier and a lot less irritable. My wife says I'm back to the guy she remembers before the heart issues. I really didn't know.
Now that some of this fog has lifted, I realize just how much of a red flag her comment was about the egg shells. Wow, that's not good at all.
The SSRI helped a lot, and made me realize just how depressed I was. I love not having that irritability and being mean to my kids anymore. That's not the dad I want them to remember.
SSRIs aren't everyone though. I still have some long term concerns about this approach, I will cross that bridge when I get there...
I am 38 years old. At 35 I had my first stroke, second stroke, and first heart attack. In the years that followed I have had over 14 heart caths, 4 stents placed, and quadruple bypass in 2008. I am also a type II diabetic, but I am resistant to meds, so I am on a pump. My surgery was almost a year ago, and after my surgery I felt I was fine. My Doctor even asked me at my first check up if I had had my 'blue day'--not having had it I didn't know what she was talking about. Well, I think I am having not just my 'blue day' but my 'blue months'. I am a single mom, so I have no stories of how I took it out on my spouse. I can say that i myself noticed a difference in me. I feel like the person that went to s;eep on that operating table never woke up again. I feel I'm different, but can't figure out exactly how. I am by no means excusing any of the behavior of these fellow bypassers...but I have actually had to ask my friends to tell me when I go into (what we lovingly call) bypass mode. Sometimes I am not aware of when I'm not acting 'normal'.
To Diane650---we have gotten a second chance, and although I really can't speak for everyone who has had bypass, I can say for me it has nothing to do with blowing it-on purpose that is. I still don't know the person I have become--she seems so different and there are times that I don't know how to handle it. You are not doormats--I 100% totally agree--I am just trying to give the side of the bypasser since most of these I have read seem to be in denial that they have changed in any way (except you, pusher!)
I guess I said all of this to say that....maybe they aren't aware of what's going on (at least I hope not!!), and just how much their behavior is hurting others. I pray that communication is opened up, and maybe their can be a 'code' to make them (the bypasser) see what they're doing.
To Diane650---we have gotten a second chance, and although I really can't speak for everyone who has had bypass, I can say for me it has nothing to do with blowing it-on purpose that is. I still don't know the person I have become--she seems so different and there are times that I don't know how to handle it. You are not doormats--I 100% totally agree--I am just trying to give the side of the bypasser since most of these I have read seem to be in denial that they have changed in any way (except you, pusher!)
I guess I said all of this to say that....maybe they aren't aware of what's going on (at least I hope not!!), and just how much their behavior is hurting others. I pray that communication is opened up, and maybe their can be a 'code' to make them (the bypasser) see what they're doing.
What a thread , this thread has me feeling horrible. I just feel terrible for all you wives that are now kind of stuck in bad marriages. These men are depressed no doubt but that doesn't give them the right to treat their spouses like ****. You are there helping them out and in return you get crapped on and treated like you caused the heart attack. Remember you only get one life then your done forever. If the man in your life has changed so severely since having surgery that he is not the same guy anymore you must demand marriage counseling and if he doesn't comply then it's time for you to move on with your life.
Heck I have heart disease and sometimes I am bitter about it but I blame no one else for my own issues and if one day I need a bypass I will reluctantly have it done but still I won't blame others. If I made it out of that hospital alive and able to continue living I would be happy as hell that I may have gotten a 2nd chance at life and to see my loved ones. I know its easy to say now and if by chance I did get mentally affected I would take the Zoloft or whatever I needed to do to feel more like myself. Good luck to all of you and your significant others.
Heck I have heart disease and sometimes I am bitter about it but I blame no one else for my own issues and if one day I need a bypass I will reluctantly have it done but still I won't blame others. If I made it out of that hospital alive and able to continue living I would be happy as hell that I may have gotten a 2nd chance at life and to see my loved ones. I know its easy to say now and if by chance I did get mentally affected I would take the Zoloft or whatever I needed to do to feel more like myself. Good luck to all of you and your significant others.
My husband had a 4 bypass over 6 years ago. Afterwards, he became distant, irritable, lost joy in life, forgot how to laugh, did not make eye contact, and the worst, had rages on a daily basis over practically nothing. Plus, everything was my fault, no matter what. His cognitive ability fell, having difficulty following movies, and forgetting a lot. He began to tell lies, misrepresent reality, and generally find something to complain about on a daily basis. His only love became food, much of which he wasn't supposed to eat, and he gained much too much weight. I eat nutritiously, he wasn't interested. He became the most miserable person I had ever known. He lost all of the sweetness he had before the bypass. He doesn't believe in therapy, so he wouldn't seek any help. He said he feels just fine. Needless to say, my generally cheery nature became sad or scared around him, so I began to avoid him. He also became sloppy in his looks and hygiene, and began to present like a much much older man. What a nightmare. Now he wants to divorce me because he believes that will make him happy. Good luck. I am hurt and I am relieved, since I believed that it would be wrong to divorce him, to abandon him, and I loved him. I kept thinking that somehow it would get better. It didn't. We've been together for 17 years. All I can say is in the end, we all must take responsibility for our actions, and having a bypass operation is ultimately not a license to be abusive to others and not do what is necessary. We are not your doormats. We have feelings too. Get a grip. You got a second chance at life. Why blow it?
My husband had a 4 bypass over 6 years ago. Afterwards, he became distant, irritable, lost joy in life, forgot how to laugh, did not make eye contact, and the worst, had rages on a daily basis over practically nothing. Plus, everything was my fault, no matter what. His cognitive ability fell, having difficulty following movies, and forgetting a lot. He began to tell lies, misrepresent reality, and generally find something to complain about on a daily basis. His only love became food, much of which he wasn't supposed to eat, and he gained much too much weight. I eat nutritiously, he wasn't interested. He became the most miserable person I had ever known. He lost all of the sweetness he had before the bypass. He doesn't believe in therapy, so he wouldn't seek any help. He said he feels just fine. Needless to say, my generally cheery nature became sad or scared around him, so I began to avoid him. He also became sloppy in his looks and hygiene, and began to present like a much much older man. What a nightmare. Now he wants to divorce me because he believes that will make him happy. Good luck. I am hurt and I am relieved, since I believed that it would be wrong to divorce him, to abandon him, and I loved him. I kept thinking that somehow it would get better. It didn't. We've been together for 17 years. All I can say is in the end, we all must take responsibility for our actions, and having a bypass operation is ultimately not a license to be abusive to others and not do what is necessary. We are not your doormats. We have feelings too. Get a grip. You got a second chance at life. Why blow it?
I found this website by surfing the net.I had 4 heart attacks and emergency quad.bipass surgery.In recovery I married the love of my life.and moved to Texas on little $$ and a dream.In 2 short months , I am looking at divorce and the loss of all things worthwhile.There was a comment on this site that one of us seemed to have lost his sense of joy.I am also a recovering alcoholic w/ 7 years sober.When I try to discus or explain what I think or feel I get 2 reactions usually...Quit feeling sorry for yourself, or they get angry at me for feeling that way.I know deep down that there is something wrong.And I can't put my finger on it.I am sad mostly and I lash out to the people I love.And I don't know why..Which in urn akes me more angry or sad.I don't have much money and the job I do is physically taxing.There is a part of me that wants me to die.I love my wife with all my heart...I start therapy this week.The joy of living today seems to be forshadowed with all the things I thought 5 mins. before my surgery w/a 50% chance of success or failure...haunt me.I feel guilty for living.Angry for surviving.Heartbroken...because my heart....well it's my heart!...Nobody wants a broken heart.....And now my problem is I have one already...and another probably on the way with the loss of my wife.I wished and wanted all these heart issues to just go away.Instead...everything I love with all my heart is going away.Except this broken heart.And nobody it seems wants to hear about it.Especially me.
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