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post bypass anxiety and personality changes
My husband had quintuple bypass surgery 8 months ago. He had a mild heart attack 13 years previously which did not require any surgical intervention. I have noticed after his surgery that his anxiety level is extremely high. He lashes out for the smallest things and everything seems to get to him, especially anything that involves me. He drinks more wine to relax and I think it is having an adverse effect. When I mention that he might try some relaxation techniques to quell his anxiety he "goes off". He says "the doctor says I shouldn't be stressed and you are adding to it". I am so worried that if he continues on this pace he will wind up back in the hospital. Now when he stresses about something or drinks I want to avoid him because I don't want to hear him yell or tell me the latest thing I have done to give him anxiety,stress, etc. I spoke to the nurse months ago during his cardiac rehab and she said not to fight with him but don't let him abuse me either. I just don't know what to do anymore. He was not like this prior to the surgery and I just wondered if this is common and if it subsides. I am really trying not to feel sorry for myself but his heart surgery really happened to all of us and has affected everyone. I feel that I am walking on eggshells. Part of me wants to run and hide....getting close to my breaking point. Do you have any advice?
Thank you!
Thank you!
I am so glad I came across this web page. I was thinking that I was alone also with this. My husband went in for triple bypass surgery after his heart attack. During the surgery the doctors ended up having to do 2 more bypasses. So that was 5 altogether. When my husband woke up the next day and saw me coming in his room he immediately looked at me with anger in his eyes. I tried to do everything I could to make him happy with me again. His anxiety was so intense he wouldn't even stay in the hospital the amount of time his doctors wanted him to. We had been married for 11 years, but now I can't do anything without complaints from him. He said he doesn't love me anymore and that he wants out of this marriage. Needless to say, his behavior did turn violent. He attacked my daughter one day and started repeatedly punching her in her face. My niece and I kept beating on him until we finally got him away from my daughter. He looked at us and asked us why we were hitting him. I felt like I was in a horror movie. The police took him away and I keep up with the protection orders. This happend 2 months ago in September. Even when I talk to him on the phone when he sometimes call, he seems like a totally different person. It's like I never knew him at all. His voice sounds like him, but now he is so different that I don't know who he is when I talk to him. I'm just afraid of him and don't trust anything he says.
Dear Misty4me,
I so feel your pain and the pain that so many people are going through. I am not sleeping, eating well - all because I feel I have now a bigger responsibility in life than ever before, yet knowingly in my heart I need to let go, as he's not the same man any more, and I am not feeling well worrying about him.
No matter how much counseling! I can see it in his eyes. He’s unknowingly scared and frantic and now on his own, yet supporting our home and me! My thought that keeps me thinking is: We are given what I can deal with, and I am trying to deal with this.
We went to marriage counseling last Friday, after he moved out - as now that agreeing to support his every whim, as you are to yours too, well, in what he wants ONLY, family and spouses stand by and hope and keep supporting us both.
I think the best thing that I got out of the 1.5 hr counseling, while staring at my husband of 30 yrs was: How can we be a family in the future with our kids, grandkids to be, and great families we already have that (I) we, still recognize and remember with heart and soul.
The counselor and now I are finding out that there was no post op support, in our situation. My husband was, WAS, just so happy to be alive - and now he's making that known, 15 months later.
GET rid of family, clear a path, I am seeing that lots of post open heart patients seem to want to squish everything into a day and we as the caring partners, loved ones, family seem to drive them nuts with memories of their pasts and what they thought they could and could not do, no matter how much loving support!
In fact, (This keeps me calm) we were so complimentary, along the long path together that our support made our loved ones FEEL secure enough that they CAN take off, as if they finally heard what we were talking about all those years! They just forgot that when we talked, planned for our futures, we said WE not just YOU (them). So . . . I am not crying today, I've gone from crying every 2 days to 3 to 4 . . . in 2 weeks.
Misty4me, I think that those of us that WILL get through this with our spouses or family that fly off for a while knowing we're watching their backs, We WILL:
(1. Be happier when they return, as my hubby keeps saying!
(2. Most likely be separated/single and living differently!
(3. Always be their BEST FRIEND forever, as only a few people will ever know who they really were, and that's a bond that keeps all our HEARTS together, no matter what.
(4.
I, like you, am suffering more than my hubby will ever know, and that's when I cry and write. Whose fault is it that our health system can save our loved one's lives? And I am guessing, we're the lucky ones that our loved ones feel - OK feel enough to run with it. . and grab what they think is a new life.
I would like to encourage more survivors to tell their side of their story. Not too many posted here. I believe there's a lot of loss of heart ache out there, yet I hope you all are finding a way through this, as we are trying to help the best we can.
I think, we all come back to the happy days we had prior to knowing anyone but ourselves, and that's the next phase for my hubby and I. I will, like you, find a happy way through this and we will all be happy at the end.
I do believe that all patients/family support that try to help a post op open-heart patient/heart disease patient have experienced not knowing what the bleep is happening.
Knowing there's support out there helps me know I am not really alone.
PS: I tend to think from the position of the surgeon and hospital staff as well. I think about how it would feel for them to operate and save someone's life, and that person NEVER changes their ways!
LIFE goes on, and this can only lead to making everyone you know
"Feel happier sooner than later" - Quote from hubby of 30 yrs who left home, and me 15 months after quad bypass.
I so feel your pain and the pain that so many people are going through. I am not sleeping, eating well - all because I feel I have now a bigger responsibility in life than ever before, yet knowingly in my heart I need to let go, as he's not the same man any more, and I am not feeling well worrying about him.
No matter how much counseling! I can see it in his eyes. He’s unknowingly scared and frantic and now on his own, yet supporting our home and me! My thought that keeps me thinking is: We are given what I can deal with, and I am trying to deal with this.
We went to marriage counseling last Friday, after he moved out - as now that agreeing to support his every whim, as you are to yours too, well, in what he wants ONLY, family and spouses stand by and hope and keep supporting us both.
I think the best thing that I got out of the 1.5 hr counseling, while staring at my husband of 30 yrs was: How can we be a family in the future with our kids, grandkids to be, and great families we already have that (I) we, still recognize and remember with heart and soul.
The counselor and now I are finding out that there was no post op support, in our situation. My husband was, WAS, just so happy to be alive - and now he's making that known, 15 months later.
GET rid of family, clear a path, I am seeing that lots of post open heart patients seem to want to squish everything into a day and we as the caring partners, loved ones, family seem to drive them nuts with memories of their pasts and what they thought they could and could not do, no matter how much loving support!
In fact, (This keeps me calm) we were so complimentary, along the long path together that our support made our loved ones FEEL secure enough that they CAN take off, as if they finally heard what we were talking about all those years! They just forgot that when we talked, planned for our futures, we said WE not just YOU (them). So . . . I am not crying today, I've gone from crying every 2 days to 3 to 4 . . . in 2 weeks.
Misty4me, I think that those of us that WILL get through this with our spouses or family that fly off for a while knowing we're watching their backs, We WILL:
(1. Be happier when they return, as my hubby keeps saying!
(2. Most likely be separated/single and living differently!
(3. Always be their BEST FRIEND forever, as only a few people will ever know who they really were, and that's a bond that keeps all our HEARTS together, no matter what.
(4.
I, like you, am suffering more than my hubby will ever know, and that's when I cry and write. Whose fault is it that our health system can save our loved one's lives? And I am guessing, we're the lucky ones that our loved ones feel - OK feel enough to run with it. . and grab what they think is a new life.
I would like to encourage more survivors to tell their side of their story. Not too many posted here. I believe there's a lot of loss of heart ache out there, yet I hope you all are finding a way through this, as we are trying to help the best we can.
I think, we all come back to the happy days we had prior to knowing anyone but ourselves, and that's the next phase for my hubby and I. I will, like you, find a happy way through this and we will all be happy at the end.
I do believe that all patients/family support that try to help a post op open-heart patient/heart disease patient have experienced not knowing what the bleep is happening.
Knowing there's support out there helps me know I am not really alone.
PS: I tend to think from the position of the surgeon and hospital staff as well. I think about how it would feel for them to operate and save someone's life, and that person NEVER changes their ways!
LIFE goes on, and this can only lead to making everyone you know
"Feel happier sooner than later" - Quote from hubby of 30 yrs who left home, and me 15 months after quad bypass.
Thank you for your well written post. I appreciate being able to read your words because they've totally escaped me while trying to describe this nightmare to someone else. Your post is written with love and the experience only those of us living through this will understand.
The hardest thing for me is trying to talk to him and expecting my old husband to respond. It hurts like hell to get an unfeeling response from someone I don't know.
As I write this, I'm sitting at home with a pile of unpaid utility bills. My husband is out in the Glacier Nat'l Forest, touring his way to Portland and San Fran on his bike. He still calls nightly and will be back in 'a couple of weeks'.
I love him dearly and would no sooner turn my back on him than I would on one of my own children. But I'm not stupid either and understand that I can't fix things unless we both want them fixed .
The hardest thing for me is trying to talk to him and expecting my old husband to respond. It hurts like hell to get an unfeeling response from someone I don't know.
As I write this, I'm sitting at home with a pile of unpaid utility bills. My husband is out in the Glacier Nat'l Forest, touring his way to Portland and San Fran on his bike. He still calls nightly and will be back in 'a couple of weeks'.
I love him dearly and would no sooner turn my back on him than I would on one of my own children. But I'm not stupid either and understand that I can't fix things unless we both want them fixed .
Thanks for your posts. I know I am not alone as my husband is moving out after 30 years together and a week after our anniversary. We have an age gap of 13 years we have been together since I was 19. and we have 2 great grown kids. He seems heartless, and we have talked, it's as if his soul connection to me and family is gone.
He says he won't live as long as me any way and I can be free to live my next 50 years as I please. It is very painful to hear this all to often and then we talk as if just friends, as I don't even think he knows how long 30 years together is in my heart, so he feels pleased that I talk to him, and it is like talking to a big child at age 62. It's about the only time he smiles like he was dropped off from the hospital into the wrong house or something.
The hurtful words are endless. He is also running away from all the plans we had of paying off our mortgage, organizing our homes and many financial responsibilities. His theory is he'll pay for everything and hire people to do work around the house as long as he is free to do what he wants.
Reality will be I am almost being forced to selling our own home, that we bought to retire in, raise grandkids of the future etc, as I can not financially manage alone. He does not see that it breaks my heart and is actually ruining the future for his own family. Because of his age, since his operation he can barely get insurance. either way we all have massive changes.
I am holding him to his words about moving out, as I have talked to him endlessly and he won't go to his dr, get counselling, he forget's to take his one pill, an antidepressant, he is back smoking and drinking.
I feel, and talk to him as a best friend, which he used to be, and honestly I know he has to move, so hopefully he reallizes in no time that he needs help, and that's the best help I can give him. It's been 1.5 years since his quadruple bypass, then he had a knee operation 6 months later. He is totally emotionless, we just went to a funeral and no tears, not even at his mother and father's grave site, that he used to cry at before the operation..
I have cried enough, and all of our family knows his plans. I pray he really does change his life. I do not think he will ever be the same, as when he sits beside me he treats me like a stranger, he avoids any contact if possible and I feel so in his way and visa versa. Everything we ever shared seems non existent, as if I am pulling his leg about our times together and yes, I am tired of begging for attention. He only seems aggravated by my presence. Very heart breaking. denial seems huge about many things. And I sense he has a lot of fear, known and unknown.
I will keep trying to help him, but I will not let him bring me down, I am strong and have never been ill in my life. I can not have him bring me emotionally down any more as I love him, my kids and my families and I need to start somewhere, as this is too painful to watch and family has now seen what I am living with. He seems so lost and impatient.
Good luck to everyone in this difficult situation . . . some people die having this operation and I enjoy the good times on his terms, but that's not living as we used to, he has other plans.
He says he won't live as long as me any way and I can be free to live my next 50 years as I please. It is very painful to hear this all to often and then we talk as if just friends, as I don't even think he knows how long 30 years together is in my heart, so he feels pleased that I talk to him, and it is like talking to a big child at age 62. It's about the only time he smiles like he was dropped off from the hospital into the wrong house or something.
The hurtful words are endless. He is also running away from all the plans we had of paying off our mortgage, organizing our homes and many financial responsibilities. His theory is he'll pay for everything and hire people to do work around the house as long as he is free to do what he wants.
Reality will be I am almost being forced to selling our own home, that we bought to retire in, raise grandkids of the future etc, as I can not financially manage alone. He does not see that it breaks my heart and is actually ruining the future for his own family. Because of his age, since his operation he can barely get insurance. either way we all have massive changes.
I am holding him to his words about moving out, as I have talked to him endlessly and he won't go to his dr, get counselling, he forget's to take his one pill, an antidepressant, he is back smoking and drinking.
I feel, and talk to him as a best friend, which he used to be, and honestly I know he has to move, so hopefully he reallizes in no time that he needs help, and that's the best help I can give him. It's been 1.5 years since his quadruple bypass, then he had a knee operation 6 months later. He is totally emotionless, we just went to a funeral and no tears, not even at his mother and father's grave site, that he used to cry at before the operation..
I have cried enough, and all of our family knows his plans. I pray he really does change his life. I do not think he will ever be the same, as when he sits beside me he treats me like a stranger, he avoids any contact if possible and I feel so in his way and visa versa. Everything we ever shared seems non existent, as if I am pulling his leg about our times together and yes, I am tired of begging for attention. He only seems aggravated by my presence. Very heart breaking. denial seems huge about many things. And I sense he has a lot of fear, known and unknown.
I will keep trying to help him, but I will not let him bring me down, I am strong and have never been ill in my life. I can not have him bring me emotionally down any more as I love him, my kids and my families and I need to start somewhere, as this is too painful to watch and family has now seen what I am living with. He seems so lost and impatient.
Good luck to everyone in this difficult situation . . . some people die having this operation and I enjoy the good times on his terms, but that's not living as we used to, he has other plans.
My husband's bypass surgery was two years ago this week and only now am I realizing the changes in his personality. I can give you hundreds of examples but can't tell you exactly what it is. Our financial lives are in ruins, and he's disconnected from our personal lives. Through it all, I became lulled into a sort of day to day complacency. Now, when I bring things up to him, he tells me I'm crazy, but I know in my heart that we are dealing with some real issues. Thanks for your posts.
Cher2, take a deep breath and try to relax (I know it's hard). If your husband only had surgery five weeks ago, he is still going through a lot of physical and emotional changes and recovery issues, and it does not necessairly mean that these changes are permanent. Also, please remember that the stories posted in this forum represent a handful of people posting their bad experiences post-surgery; it is not a place you are going to find upbeat and encouraging stories. Don't assume the above stores represent something that is going to happen to everyone.
I have been reading this forum for two years because I could relate to the stories; my husband had a six-way five years ago and is still going through emotional issues - but I have not lost hope. You shouldn't either.
I'd make an appointment with your husbands cardiologist or surgeon and both of you go in and ask them pointedly and specificially about the issues that occur during the surgery and the effects of the bypass machine itself. There are a number of physical things that occur during the process that affect the brain (inlcuding, in some cases, small clots being thrown that essentially cause small strokes). While not desirable, this is all "normal" fallout from the procedure and will improve and correct themselves with time. It takes a couple of months - five weeks is not long enough for him to have recovered physically or emotionally from the surgery and it's effects.
Keep in mind that right now your husband probably feels fragile, and that is a difficult emotion for men to accept. He needs support, but not coddling. Don't try to protect him from everything. If your medical facility offers a Cardiac Rehab program, by ALL MEANS go to it, it will help tremendously and you will both benefit from being around others who are also recovering and having the same issues. My husband did not have this opportunity and I think it would have made all the difference in the world.
Also - take time to take care of yourself. That is essential. You have BOTH been through a stressful and traumatic experience; don't minimalize its impact on you just because you aren't the one with the scar on your chest. Emotional recovery from heart surgery is a marathon, not a sprint, for BOTH of you, and you need to find a way to do it together.
Best of luck to you - If you want to post back I will answer.
I have been reading this forum for two years because I could relate to the stories; my husband had a six-way five years ago and is still going through emotional issues - but I have not lost hope. You shouldn't either.
I'd make an appointment with your husbands cardiologist or surgeon and both of you go in and ask them pointedly and specificially about the issues that occur during the surgery and the effects of the bypass machine itself. There are a number of physical things that occur during the process that affect the brain (inlcuding, in some cases, small clots being thrown that essentially cause small strokes). While not desirable, this is all "normal" fallout from the procedure and will improve and correct themselves with time. It takes a couple of months - five weeks is not long enough for him to have recovered physically or emotionally from the surgery and it's effects.
Keep in mind that right now your husband probably feels fragile, and that is a difficult emotion for men to accept. He needs support, but not coddling. Don't try to protect him from everything. If your medical facility offers a Cardiac Rehab program, by ALL MEANS go to it, it will help tremendously and you will both benefit from being around others who are also recovering and having the same issues. My husband did not have this opportunity and I think it would have made all the difference in the world.
Also - take time to take care of yourself. That is essential. You have BOTH been through a stressful and traumatic experience; don't minimalize its impact on you just because you aren't the one with the scar on your chest. Emotional recovery from heart surgery is a marathon, not a sprint, for BOTH of you, and you need to find a way to do it together.
Best of luck to you - If you want to post back I will answer.
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