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post bypass anxiety and personality changes
My husband had quintuple bypass surgery 8 months ago. He had a mild heart attack 13 years previously which did not require any surgical intervention. I have noticed after his surgery that his anxiety level is extremely high. He lashes out for the smallest things and everything seems to get to him, especially anything that involves me. He drinks more wine to relax and I think it is having an adverse effect. When I mention that he might try some relaxation techniques to quell his anxiety he "goes off". He says "the doctor says I shouldn't be stressed and you are adding to it". I am so worried that if he continues on this pace he will wind up back in the hospital. Now when he stresses about something or drinks I want to avoid him because I don't want to hear him yell or tell me the latest thing I have done to give him anxiety,stress, etc. I spoke to the nurse months ago during his cardiac rehab and she said not to fight with him but don't let him abuse me either. I just don't know what to do anymore. He was not like this prior to the surgery and I just wondered if this is common and if it subsides. I am really trying not to feel sorry for myself but his heart surgery really happened to all of us and has affected everyone. I feel that I am walking on eggshells. Part of me wants to run and hide....getting close to my breaking point. Do you have any advice?
Thank you!
Thank you!
Hi Emmy. Heard the same. My surgeon told me before hand that there is always the possibility of a stroke during these operations specifically because of that reason. Another reason that i can also believe is that with the clamping of the arteries little particles are loosened that are stuck on the inside of the arteries. This can apparently also cause a stroke. Other thing i heard and actually believes is that the person that had a bypass experience mini strokes for the rest of his life without really realising it. It may even feel if you loose consciousness for a fraction of a second while walking down the street. I also believe from what I heard that memory goes quicker with bypass patient.... dunno if that is true because when my dad passed away under his second bypass op, he was perfect brain wise.
I had a quadruple by-pass about 3 years ago and for the six months to a year I had the most wonderful recovery. As soon as the stress of work gradually came back into my life, I started getting severe anxiety attacks to such an extend that I could not sleep at night as I had the fear of another heart attack. I was referred to a doctor specialising in these type of things and were prescribed a tablet to take once a day. Initially it worked but eventually the dose had to be increased from 10mg to 20 mg. Since then I had one attack after reducing my dose by half. As a rule I drink two beers a day or two whiskeys and on special occasions I may enjoy a few more.
I think there is a large difference in getting a by-pass as a male with a family relying on your income. The stress to produce, the fear of another heart problem and the fear not being able to provide for your family is a pretty serious reality if you are 46 like I was at the time of my bypass. I must also mention that if it wasn't for my wife's solid support all the way it would have been much worse. Oh and it seems as if some people only read specific mails.... There is a lady taking Cipralex of which I take the alternative called Lexamil. Im feeling great and she is feeling great. If people dont want to go for help it is unfortunate. Be happy if you did not go though those stages after a by-pass rather than be critical of the 1000's that actually do experience it, and believe me, a lot, male and female goes through this anxiety issue.
I do feel sorry for those ladies that suffer under these circumstances, but I tell you, if you have a wonderful wife who supports you it makes a world of difference on how you manage to handle things..... not pointing fingers, just saying. Instead of sitting cramped up I started working in the garden every day, between 5 and 6 I sit under a tree in the garden and listen to the grass grow..... Ihavetriedsohard , I can see that you are in a difficult situation there..... cant be nice and as I said, there is help with a tiny tablet once a day and it really just restores the balance in the brain, nothing more.....
Best of luck
PS No, during all of this I have never been abusive to my wife. I think it might depend on the personality in handling traumatic stress situations. A Bypass is a major shock to the system
I think there is a large difference in getting a by-pass as a male with a family relying on your income. The stress to produce, the fear of another heart problem and the fear not being able to provide for your family is a pretty serious reality if you are 46 like I was at the time of my bypass. I must also mention that if it wasn't for my wife's solid support all the way it would have been much worse. Oh and it seems as if some people only read specific mails.... There is a lady taking Cipralex of which I take the alternative called Lexamil. Im feeling great and she is feeling great. If people dont want to go for help it is unfortunate. Be happy if you did not go though those stages after a by-pass rather than be critical of the 1000's that actually do experience it, and believe me, a lot, male and female goes through this anxiety issue.
I do feel sorry for those ladies that suffer under these circumstances, but I tell you, if you have a wonderful wife who supports you it makes a world of difference on how you manage to handle things..... not pointing fingers, just saying. Instead of sitting cramped up I started working in the garden every day, between 5 and 6 I sit under a tree in the garden and listen to the grass grow..... Ihavetriedsohard , I can see that you are in a difficult situation there..... cant be nice and as I said, there is help with a tiny tablet once a day and it really just restores the balance in the brain, nothing more.....
Best of luck
PS No, during all of this I have never been abusive to my wife. I think it might depend on the personality in handling traumatic stress situations. A Bypass is a major shock to the system
My Dear Gin650!
What a dreadful story and situation you're living in! Why? You do not deserve such treatment. Look at what it has taken from you? Is it worth it to you? Where is your line in the sand? For yourself and for your own well being.. Being so abused for so many years is just not acceptable for good health or good feelings. You deserve both. And you deserve the opportunity to recover from this nightmare and find your happy self once again. With or without hubby. After so many years of marriage, I would daresay that you would get a reasonable shake in divorce court...perhaps with alimony as well. Just because you haven't worked, doesn't mean you can't start. At least part time. Get out of that shuttered, phone off the hook, unhealthy, demeaning house and have some normal interactions with other people, at least for a few hours each day and/or several days/week.
Any divorce lawyer worth his salt is going to help you out of this critical situation you're living in. If that's what you want.
I'd prefer to start entirely on my own, with few to no resources in place, as opposed to living in the daily mental anguish and suffering you've described here. You DESERVE better. Our spouse's health, mental OR physical, shouldn't degrade or damage us this way. If someone is, say, schizophrenic or psychotic, they take medicines and go to counseling and if that doesn't work, they go into a mental health facility to live, until such time that they can function well in society...or into a supervised living environment. That your husband is so out of touch as not to even realize he has problems, then, at some point, your responsibility must turn to helping yourself. Your emotional state has to be seriously tapped. Do something for YOURSELF, since he resists your efforts to help HIM.
An observation: In reading these posts here, why are most all of them from abused/suffering women? Is this personality change thing just something which overcomes men? How many women become monsters after heart surgery? Any thoughts, anyone?
I'm 58 and had a quad bypass, 4 years ago. I am female, btw. Was never cranky, rude or mean to the people who love me and cared for me so well, during recovery. I would rather have flung myself off the Golden Gate, than turn any of my frustrations onto my loved ones. Does bypass surgery, for men, perhaps mess with their testosterone levels so badly that they revert to their most base instincts or something? Does it rob them of their humanity or what? Can't hurt to have these mens hormone levels tested...if they are out of control with no accounting for it on any other front.
We must always, first and foremost, help ourselves.
You have been through such hell, Gin650. At least do yourself the favor of getting counseling for yourself. If you wish to remain in love with someone your husband "used to be", and/or feel committed to someone who no longer exists, then you are selling yourself short. Loving and caring for someone should never, EVER do this kind of damage. "In sickness and in health" is one thing. In ABUSE, is entirely another. No matter what's causing it.
What a dreadful story and situation you're living in! Why? You do not deserve such treatment. Look at what it has taken from you? Is it worth it to you? Where is your line in the sand? For yourself and for your own well being.. Being so abused for so many years is just not acceptable for good health or good feelings. You deserve both. And you deserve the opportunity to recover from this nightmare and find your happy self once again. With or without hubby. After so many years of marriage, I would daresay that you would get a reasonable shake in divorce court...perhaps with alimony as well. Just because you haven't worked, doesn't mean you can't start. At least part time. Get out of that shuttered, phone off the hook, unhealthy, demeaning house and have some normal interactions with other people, at least for a few hours each day and/or several days/week.
Any divorce lawyer worth his salt is going to help you out of this critical situation you're living in. If that's what you want.
I'd prefer to start entirely on my own, with few to no resources in place, as opposed to living in the daily mental anguish and suffering you've described here. You DESERVE better. Our spouse's health, mental OR physical, shouldn't degrade or damage us this way. If someone is, say, schizophrenic or psychotic, they take medicines and go to counseling and if that doesn't work, they go into a mental health facility to live, until such time that they can function well in society...or into a supervised living environment. That your husband is so out of touch as not to even realize he has problems, then, at some point, your responsibility must turn to helping yourself. Your emotional state has to be seriously tapped. Do something for YOURSELF, since he resists your efforts to help HIM.
An observation: In reading these posts here, why are most all of them from abused/suffering women? Is this personality change thing just something which overcomes men? How many women become monsters after heart surgery? Any thoughts, anyone?
I'm 58 and had a quad bypass, 4 years ago. I am female, btw. Was never cranky, rude or mean to the people who love me and cared for me so well, during recovery. I would rather have flung myself off the Golden Gate, than turn any of my frustrations onto my loved ones. Does bypass surgery, for men, perhaps mess with their testosterone levels so badly that they revert to their most base instincts or something? Does it rob them of their humanity or what? Can't hurt to have these mens hormone levels tested...if they are out of control with no accounting for it on any other front.
We must always, first and foremost, help ourselves.
You have been through such hell, Gin650. At least do yourself the favor of getting counseling for yourself. If you wish to remain in love with someone your husband "used to be", and/or feel committed to someone who no longer exists, then you are selling yourself short. Loving and caring for someone should never, EVER do this kind of damage. "In sickness and in health" is one thing. In ABUSE, is entirely another. No matter what's causing it.
Again, this is a wonderful forum. My husband backed into heart surgery starting only with a funny feeling in his chest.... No heart attack. March 3rd, 2011, that all changed when the surgeon came out and said he had done EIGHT bypasses in the past two hours and my husband was doing well...
So we were all shocked but my husband recovered well and retired the end of April, on schedule. We went to Europe for a month as previously planned and returned home to help our only daughter get married in mid-September. He really didn't have time to be depressed until October. But then the changes started..... He didn't return emails or even read them. All his plans for his retirement didn't seem to exist anymore. But he doesn't believe in taking antidepressants... And it must be more of our marital problems.
We have been married 26 years now, both of us are retreads and we each came into the marriage with two children. His male twins are 39 and neither are married nor date. My 32 year old son doesn't date yet... My daughter is now married at 32. My husband is 11 years older than me and is 69 right now. Our marriage was based on love and taking care of our children. He is an academic, very cerebral, which meant that I have done all the paperwork, taxes, money stuff, organization and coordination. I have been unhappy in the past when he just wouldn't help with simple things like cutting the lawn or taking out the trash but it was easier to do it myself....
And he has been abusive in the past. He kicked his father across the room as a twenty year old. He has smacked mirros and broken them, kicked in the side of the stove.... And a few years ago He started pushing me around. I insisted he go to abuse conselling. He did but he ended up thinking he wasn't abusive like the other guys since he didn't hit me or stab me.
But he is also a hoarder. He has hundreds of boxes of paper and thousands of books. When he had his sudden operation, work was happy to box up all his papers and put them in storage. They hadn't been able to clean the office or paint/recarpet for 20 years. They boxed up 120 boxes of xerox copies and discarded books and now we have to pay $160 per month to house the paperwork. Our basement is also full to the ceiling with boxes and books.
When he turned 65 we started remodeling our home. First the kitchen and then the first floor. He doesn't do this but always complains that it takes so long. The end result is great but I always feel that his Mess is about to envelope us if I am not vigilant about cleaning up.
So I have set the scene. We were about to leave for a month-long trip out of the U.S. and he was busy pushing more and more into the storage unit. Nothing was thrown out. He bought more and more boxes and filled them.
There was one small pile of large plastic containers which I had been keeping in the basement. They fell over and he "put them away.". I asked him for them, he found them in the garage where he stuffed them and I made the mistake of throwing them away by placing them in our large garbage bin and I did this in front of him.
He placed his hands around my neck and started squeezing them together. I just stood there's. Instinct told me not to fight back. It was in broad daylight and in our driveway in full view of the neighbors. He finally stopped and I asked him what he thought he was doing?? I walked away and told my son what had just happened.... He was standing down the street having a smoke.
I called my sister and her first comment was, "What have you done to make him do this?". I emailed our doctor and our MSW about it. My husband had one emergency session before we left on our trip.... And our MD said we should go on the trip and deal with it when we get back.
I don't want to be an abuse statistic. I have never cheated on my husband and I have stood by him through lots and lots of problems. I have loved him and everyone thinks he is a lovely man, very proper and very considerate.
I don't want to be an abuse statistic. I am applying to go into the Peace Corps this next year and I am hoping that two years away will allow him to find his feet again since it is clear that I cannot help him. He cannot be perfect if there is no one else there to compare himself to. He can always be right too and he can keep everything and make piles and piles of stuff everywhere in the house if it makes him happy.
Am I the only one able to say that part of me wishes that he had died on the operating table? It is a terrible thought. I am heartsick. Signed, Ihavetried so hard
So we were all shocked but my husband recovered well and retired the end of April, on schedule. We went to Europe for a month as previously planned and returned home to help our only daughter get married in mid-September. He really didn't have time to be depressed until October. But then the changes started..... He didn't return emails or even read them. All his plans for his retirement didn't seem to exist anymore. But he doesn't believe in taking antidepressants... And it must be more of our marital problems.
We have been married 26 years now, both of us are retreads and we each came into the marriage with two children. His male twins are 39 and neither are married nor date. My 32 year old son doesn't date yet... My daughter is now married at 32. My husband is 11 years older than me and is 69 right now. Our marriage was based on love and taking care of our children. He is an academic, very cerebral, which meant that I have done all the paperwork, taxes, money stuff, organization and coordination. I have been unhappy in the past when he just wouldn't help with simple things like cutting the lawn or taking out the trash but it was easier to do it myself....
And he has been abusive in the past. He kicked his father across the room as a twenty year old. He has smacked mirros and broken them, kicked in the side of the stove.... And a few years ago He started pushing me around. I insisted he go to abuse conselling. He did but he ended up thinking he wasn't abusive like the other guys since he didn't hit me or stab me.
But he is also a hoarder. He has hundreds of boxes of paper and thousands of books. When he had his sudden operation, work was happy to box up all his papers and put them in storage. They hadn't been able to clean the office or paint/recarpet for 20 years. They boxed up 120 boxes of xerox copies and discarded books and now we have to pay $160 per month to house the paperwork. Our basement is also full to the ceiling with boxes and books.
When he turned 65 we started remodeling our home. First the kitchen and then the first floor. He doesn't do this but always complains that it takes so long. The end result is great but I always feel that his Mess is about to envelope us if I am not vigilant about cleaning up.
So I have set the scene. We were about to leave for a month-long trip out of the U.S. and he was busy pushing more and more into the storage unit. Nothing was thrown out. He bought more and more boxes and filled them.
There was one small pile of large plastic containers which I had been keeping in the basement. They fell over and he "put them away.". I asked him for them, he found them in the garage where he stuffed them and I made the mistake of throwing them away by placing them in our large garbage bin and I did this in front of him.
He placed his hands around my neck and started squeezing them together. I just stood there's. Instinct told me not to fight back. It was in broad daylight and in our driveway in full view of the neighbors. He finally stopped and I asked him what he thought he was doing?? I walked away and told my son what had just happened.... He was standing down the street having a smoke.
I called my sister and her first comment was, "What have you done to make him do this?". I emailed our doctor and our MSW about it. My husband had one emergency session before we left on our trip.... And our MD said we should go on the trip and deal with it when we get back.
I don't want to be an abuse statistic. I have never cheated on my husband and I have stood by him through lots and lots of problems. I have loved him and everyone thinks he is a lovely man, very proper and very considerate.
I don't want to be an abuse statistic. I am applying to go into the Peace Corps this next year and I am hoping that two years away will allow him to find his feet again since it is clear that I cannot help him. He cannot be perfect if there is no one else there to compare himself to. He can always be right too and he can keep everything and make piles and piles of stuff everywhere in the house if it makes him happy.
Am I the only one able to say that part of me wishes that he had died on the operating table? It is a terrible thought. I am heartsick. Signed, Ihavetried so hard
Just want to let you all know, as you've seen from responses, that this irratibility and ugly attitude seems to be a symptom or perhaps an excuse. What ever it is, I agree with not being abused and right now, 2 weeks after his surgery, I decided I will do all I can to get him thru this time and then leave him if things don't change. Continues to drink, wants to eat red meat, etc. Triple bypass apparently didn't affect him and I'm tired of being the food and drink police.
I had open-heart surgery in 2008. I can tell you that "pumphead" does exist! my alias describes me: Smiley. I have always been smiling and happy and positive and at some stage after my heart surgery I just felt very sad for no reason. Cried when I listened to music! Started questioning everything in my life. I then decided that it must be my husband that makes me sad and that I want a new one :) joking aside: I took all my frustrations out on him and blamed him for everything and blamed him for my sadness.
Eventually we ended up seeing a Marriage Councellor and I had to complete a form and was very honest on it and then the Councellor said: you have major depression due to the open-heart surgery you hade. I started taking Cipralex (a Sirotonine booster SSRI) and soon I could feel the difference.
My story ended well. We are still together, happily married and he stood by me through the tough times. I prayed a lot and have always had a close relationship with God and I believe that He helped us by sending us to the Marriage Councellor.
I am now 3 years post-op and I still rely on my happy meds. But I am doing great :)
Eventually we ended up seeing a Marriage Councellor and I had to complete a form and was very honest on it and then the Councellor said: you have major depression due to the open-heart surgery you hade. I started taking Cipralex (a Sirotonine booster SSRI) and soon I could feel the difference.
My story ended well. We are still together, happily married and he stood by me through the tough times. I prayed a lot and have always had a close relationship with God and I believe that He helped us by sending us to the Marriage Councellor.
I am now 3 years post-op and I still rely on my happy meds. But I am doing great :)
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