post bypass anxiety and personality changes

[frightened wife]

My husband had quintuple bypass surgery 8 months ago. He had a mild heart attack 13 years previously which did not require any surgical intervention. I have noticed after his surgery that his anxiety level is extremely high. He lashes out for the smallest things and everything seems to get to him, especially anything that involves me. He drinks more wine to relax and I think it is having an adverse effect. When I mention that he might try some relaxation techniques to quell his anxiety he "goes off". He says "the doctor says I shouldn't be stressed and you are adding to it". I am so worried that if he continues on this pace he will wind up back in the hospital. Now when he stresses about something or drinks I want to avoid him because I don't want to hear him yell or tell me the latest thing I have done to give him anxiety,stress, etc. I spoke to the nurse months ago during his cardiac rehab and she said not to fight with him but don't let him abuse me either. I just don't know what to do anymore. He was not like this prior to the surgery and I just wondered if this is common and if it subsides. I am really trying not to feel sorry for myself but his heart surgery really happened to all of us and has affected everyone. I feel that I am walking on eggshells. Part of me wants to run and hide....getting close to my breaking point. Do you have any advice?
Thank you!

[heartbroken577]

I can'nt beleive what I am reading. My husband had quadrupal bypass surgery five years ago. Our lives have never been the same since. He has lost so much of his memory, mainly of our of our lives , and of the kids growing up.. He does'tn even remember the day our youngest daughter was born. We have been married for 32 years. It is so bad now. I just dont know this person anymore. He says he doesnt know what he wants. I guess our marriage is over, I am devistated and cant believe this wonderful man that I have lived with since Im 29 years old wants to throw me and all he has worked for his whole life under the bus.  He has already cheated, and claims thta over. As far as me, he just don't know how he feels. He caims he does'nt know what he wants. He just comes and goes, doing what ever it is he does. When he is home he is either sleeping or watching TV. He hardly talks to me at all, I dont know how much more I can take, this has been going on for a year now. Please, does anyone have any suggestions. If I go to his doctor, I know he would flip out. Please Help!

[fiftyscents]

I have been reading the stories in this thread and am weeping inside. I too had a triple BP and suffer from the after effects. The first couple years I had outbursts which I lashed out at my wife and children. I said horrid things which make my heart ache thinking about.
I am now going into my 9th yr post and things HAVE improved but I am a different man than before the surgery My ability to feel joy has been "damaged" and I constantly live with the fear not of death but of my death leaving my family in a bad place. This fear I discovered with the help of a supportive angel for a wife was causing me to draw back from those I loved lest I die and let them down. This realization was a great help in the ongoing life work of reclaiming my lost self. I realize that  I was literally dead a couple times before the surgery and during it also and it has affected me at the deepest levels.I still have "outbursts" but have become much more aware of their effect on my loved ones and am quick to apologize and regain my composure, something learned in the hurt faces of my loved ones.
In my opinion that this is so common yet ignored by medicine, save to further medicate the patient,it is if not malpractice it is no doubt poor practice.
Again as a "pumphead" my heart goes out to all who must deal with our lowered quality of life due to the procedure which is supposed to give us more to live and live for.I am glad to be alive but I cannot help but miss the much happier man I once was.
Jim

[jsttoomuch]

I felt so alone.  I'm glad I found your comments to read.  My husband of 15 years had double arterial bypass last November at age 34.  We are both 35 now.  We have a 3 year old daughter.  He's a different person after the surgery.  I'm afraid to talk to him because he gets angry so easily.  We haven't had sex since before the surgery and he says he has no interest whatsoever.  I'm so lonely and so afraid.  I, too, have lost my best friend.  You wouldn't believe the hurdles we've overcome to last this long and we were so happy.  We were looking at another attempt at in-vitro fertilization to have another baby and now I feel like he wishes I'd go away.  Our daughter is a daddy's girl and she always wants to be with him.  I'd die if I had to leave and couldn't take her with me.  I cry every time I'm alone and I try to occupy myself quietly so I don't stress him or make him mad.  I don't want to live this way. I'm so, so, so sad.

[Gin650]

Oh my God, you've just told my story.  My husband was the sweetest, tenderest, sanest, most wonderful guy too.  He has turned into a monster, & my best friend is gone.  He also makes me feel like I'm in the way.  I can sympathize with you.  There's not much help out there.
    Hang in there

[Gin650]

I came across this website by accident.  It really helped me to know that others have gone through this.  You would not believe the hell I have gone through. This is a long story, so I appologize. My husband had a heart attack at 37, which was about 13 years ago.  Two years later he had to have  a 5-way bypass.  I was expecting recovery to be difficult, but I was completely unprepared for what happened.  My husband & I have been married for 30 years.  The first 20 were great.  He was very level headed  & we were best friends.  After the surgery, he was also very irritable, which was not like him.  He had never been cruel or abusive to me, but over the months he got worse & worse.  Like you say, he was not the same person.  I noticed it in his eyes right away, something was just different. When it first started, I called his Dr.  He said it was probably a little depression & subscribed some anti-depressants over the phone, which he wouldn't take.  Nothing else was ever done about it.  So as things got worse & worse, I went to see our GP.  I told him what was going on & asked if it was normal.  He said he'd never heard of anything like it, & gave me a prescription for Trazadone. He just acted like it was no big deal.  Over the months it got unbearable, & was starting to affect my health, physically & mentally.  I tried many different Avenues for help.  We went to a few counselors, but it always ended up turned around on me & they would blame it on anxiety, hormones, etc. & gave me pills to take.  No one would believe me.  His parents could see it, & were  supportive at first, but then they just wanted to stay out of it. Plus, he was very good at manipulating people, & can come across very charming & likeable. He was very good at making people believe it was me & not him, since he was calm & I was freaked out. Anyway, one night I decided to call a self-help line.  The lady said, "Hey, if it gets too bad, just go up to the emergency room, they deal with that kind of stuff all the time."  So, the next time, I talked him into going with me.  They seperated us, & talked to each of us. The nurse asked if he was abusive, & I said yes.  Evidentally, to save his own neck, he told them that I was popping pills & drinking.  The Dr. who saw me acted very annoyed.  They sent us to see a Psychiatrist the next day.  I thought, great now we'll get some help.  He also talked to us seperately. When he brought us back together, He said, "Mrs. _______, you're deeply depressed & I want you to go directly up to the mental hospital, or I will have the police escort you. "  When I protested, he said sarcastically, "Mrs. ______, you've just described Attila the Hun!" So, I was put into the mental ward for three days. I kept trying to tell everybody what had happened, but no one would believe me.  After 3 days, they had to let me out because they couldn't find anything really wrong, except that I was upset. By the time I went home, I was scared to death to go to anyone for help, & when things got bad, he would just threaten to have me locked up.  One night, we got into a fight & he accused me of being a drug addict & taking a bunch of pills, (which is just not me, I don't even like to take aspirin.)  So, stupidly, I said "let's go up to the hospital & I'll get a blood test."  So we went up & they did a test which came out completely clear, but even with that, they still didn't believe me.  They said that our stories were so contradictory, that they were going to put me back in the hospital.  Not once did anyone think of evaluating him. I went out into the hallway to try to find my husband, & they had an armed guard stop me.  This time they took me up in an ambulance, which was totally humiliating, & put me in involutarily, for 10 days. Anyway, the whole thing was such a nightmare that I still have'nt gotten over it, in 13 years.  I feel like my rights were so violated.  Over the years, things have gotten somewhat better, but it has been absolute hell, & I'm not the same person.  I tried to leave a couple of times, went to a halfway house, but that seemed even more depressing. I had no family in town,so I called my brothers & sister, &  asked if I could come out & stay with one of them, but my family believes in toughening up & handling things on your own, so they said no. The only help they would give me, was my brother offering to give me a car, that was halfway across they United States, & I would have to go get it & drive it home.  Like I was really in good enough shape to drive halfway across the country.  I basically had no support system at all, because over the months he bacame very anti-social, & wouldn't even keep phones on the hook. He would get furious if I even tried to take a walk.  He wouldn't let me keep windows open, or doors.   So eventually, friends just stopped calling.  And by then my confidence was so low, & I was so screwed up, I didn't feel like getting out to meet people on my own.  Before that, we had a very active social life. There's much more to the story, but I won't go into it.  He has since admitted that it was him, & not me, & actually flipped out in front of one of the couselors one time,  But still, after all that, no one decided he needed help.  Since then, I've looked up a lot of documentation on heart surgery & personality changes.  I can't believe , with all of the people we went to see, not one of them new anything about it.  I wish now, that I had sued them, but was scared to death to make waves.  Anyway, the statute of limitations was up by then.  I tried calling a couple of lawyers, & they didn't act like they believed me either.  I  grew up in the San Fransisco bay area, but moved to a small midwestern town when I got married.  Actually, our heart unit is considered one of the best in our region, which makes it incredible to me that they were so uneducated on the subject. Anyway, things are a little better now, off & on, but he still has a lot of problems with anger & can be abusive , & has episodes of rages, which last 2 or 3 days.  In between, things are pretty stable, & he has a good job.  I considered leaving many times, but that's hard to do after 30 years, plus I had always been a stay at home Mom, & wasn't financially prepared to support myself.  Besides I didn't have the confidence. We are in the middle of one of our fights right now.  He will pick a fight over anything, like me telling the dog to get down when she jumps on me.  I have to be very careful, not to ever act mad, or complain, or raise my voice.  If I start talking about a subject that is bothering me, he will explode. I was so totally opposite when I was younger, I had a lot of confidence & always stood up for myself, but over time that part of me is gone. I'm not anywhere near the person I was. Anyway, he will go into these rages, yell for a couple of hours, & get horribly verbally abusive.  I always just keep my mouth shut, because I know he's just trying to pull me in, so that he can say I'm just as bad as him.   So I don't say anything, until he's gotten so brutal that I start crying & get upset. Then He walks out, like he's the injured party, & goes to stay at a motel for a couple of days. He never acts like he's at fault, & never apologizes, he always turns it around so that it's my fault.
     Anyway, if things don't get better, I think I'm prepared to leave this time.  
     I'm sorry that this letter is so long.

[zatoichi]

I had triple bypass surgery after a heart attack on Thanksgiving weekend. I am 56 and also a recovering alcoholic. I had 8 months sobriety prior to my surgery. Of course all my Doctors are aware of me and my involvement in AA. I can relate to the depression and anxiety and taking it out (mostly being short with her) on my wife. I have tried to rely on my group for support and through their input I got honest about my mental state and told the doctors. Now am on a sedative that I take once a day (only if I need it). People have been bragging about my outlook and say I look better to. As far as my depression went, I would have welcomed death and often wondered why I didn't die. Today I thank God for my family and those that helped me pray in spite of how I felt. I have just recently tried to start my heart rehab. I am undergoing some tests about dizziness. Also I have very low drive and energy. Mentally I am doing better. I take my meds as prescribed and pray everyday, Many people pray for me daily also. My prayers go out to those here suffering.