My first depression

[Virusbuster]

I'm in my fourth week, and it seems all of the well known side effects of the treatment are parading along one  after another. First it was feeling flu-ish. Then lack of appetite. Nausea. All seasoned with fatigue. But also hyperactive on the good days. It all constitutes a rollercoaster, but only one thing was missing up to this weekend. Depression. The rollercoaster is complete now. Sure, there is room for more, My outlook is a treatement of 72 weeks, since I started with a viral load of almost 14 million copies per mm3. I'm not counting on becoming undetectable in the 12th week. But am I going to put up with this another 68 weeks? Not to mention the withdrawl effects that may occor after that period? Does this justify the less than 50% chance of success? It it really worthwhile to virtually not have a life? I can't plan a thing, I don't have a clue  how I will feel the next day.

Don't get me wrong. I count my blessings. I live a good life in a wealthy country with good health care. I don't have to worry about paying for my treatemet, being fired, or being cut on my salary if I can't work enough. I have friends who care about me. But when I feel depressed as I do now, it all seems so utterly meaningless. Yesterday and today I cried several times, out of desperation. I simply want to get out of this rollercoaster. Tonight, while I forced myself to get out and buy some food at supermarket, I wondered how it would be to jump into the river and let myself float calmly  in the cold water towards the sea. Not that I actually considered doing so. Just the idea felt oddly peaceful to me. It should have scared me, but it didn't. I can't trust my feelings anymore...

[Virusbuster]

I saw my doc today. Firstly, my VL at 4 weeks hadn't dropped very much (14 to 8 million, see my other posting http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Hepatitis-C/From-14-to-8-million-after-4-weeks-is-there-any-hope/show/919375 ). That was a dissappointed.

Regarding the depression I suffered last week, she suggested to start Citalopram and have me talk to a psychiater. Last Friday I was emotionally so numb and tired that I thougt that I better take the ADs (that was when I had arranged this extra meeting with my doc). But over the weekend I started to have my doubts again. Perhaps this was only initially this bad (like it seems like with many of my other side effects)? Nor do I like the idea of taking yet another drug unless really nessesary (I am already taking 5 now!). Also the most common side effects of this AD proposed didn't really 'tickly my belly',

"Decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; increased sweating; lightheadedness when you stand or sit up; loss of appetite; nausea; stuffy nose; tirednes."

Hence, i was really indecided, and therefor decided to post-pone the decision, at least for a week.

[jdwithhcv]

Sending you a pm.

[newleaf09]

You are just about on time for the mood side-effects.  People refer to 'riba rage' but iritabliity and anger, or depression are caused by the interferon and affects about half of those on it.  I had the anger thing, starting 4-6 weeks in.  I went through 5 antidepressants before I found one I could take for the irritability.  Zoloft and Wellbutrin acted as methampetamines on me.  If a new one has that effect, don't keep trying it and thinking it will get better...you are not suited to that one and you need your sleep with this serious illness and chemo treatment.  I take a half dose of lexipro (5mg) and it does the trick.  I feel normal, not sedated or overly agreeable.  Without it, mean things just fell out of my brain and onto my tongue and I wanted to keep working and stay married.