My wife wants me to be well. Please advise.

[52TELE]

Hey gang , how are you guys fixed for spousal advice?

When I started treatment in March , my wife made me promise that I would always be completely honest with her about how treatment is going and how I really felt , good or bad. I have pretty much stayed with that up until now. We had a talk on Saturday about how "negative" I am about treatment , side effects and potential results of the treatment. I don't think she wants me to be completely honest anymore.
I am always , or mostly always upbeat with my son. I don't want him ,as a 15 year old to have to worry about his old man to much and with my wife I pretty much tell it like it is. When she said "completely honest", I don't think she was anticipating how bad it could get. The problem is/has become, that when she says "how are you", she doesn't want me to just say "fine", she wants me to BE fine. She obviously wants me to participate in family activity a little more , go places with her a little more , try and enjoy my life a little more , etc..etc...

I'm afraid that if I start "being fine" , she is going to have me off doing things that I really don't feel I'm up to and the problem is that is how I feel pretty much all the time. I'm not saying that I just sit in the house and do nothing , I do the best I can , but I'm thinking I'm going to need to do more.

Question: How guilty should I feel about not being able to provide my wife with the companionship she needs and am I being selfish for not wanting to be out and away from my house more?

Please , your honest opinions.

[returntosender]

Really good post and replies.  After a year on tx and recovering from treatment I can safely state that if it lasted one more day, both my wife and my partner at work would have shot me dead and lined up to pee on my grave - there would have been some long lines brother!  

I was sick and miserable and mean and everything else that goes along with this tx - and I had a pretty good time of it by some accounts on this site.  I had no idea of how mean I had become until I finished it.  By that time, everyone forgot about the fact that I was treating and decided that I was just a mean, ornery, lazy, no-account, complainin, hateful sob.

And I really was and, you know what, its four weeks finished and I have cleaned the attic, garage, backyard, closets, my caseload, my throat - I have thanked my wife, and told her I loved her and noticed her hair and the fact that she lost weight while I was off treating.  We are going on a family vacation and I actually feel like doing it!  I havent felt like doing anything for three or four years!  I called my friends and I can actually listen without getting dizzy and I am interested as Oprah in what they are saying!  I am nice as friggin pie and and everyone has forgotten about that guy who layed on the couch and yelled at the commercials.  Just got to get through it somehow 52, you just have to get through it.  You know what I started doing at the end - I would print out posts from this forum that I thought reflected the way I felt - lot of riba rage posts.  I figured that maybe if my wife read something - cause I was unable to communicate - it  would help.  It didnt, she tossed them.  Worth a try anyway.

[fishdoc]

OK, so essentially your saying there is life at the end of the tunnel, not a mach truck?  Thanks, believe me brother, we need to hear that every day..... take care,
consuelo dos gatos

[tulsatime]

Way to go, I am so glad to hear you are feeling so good!
We need to hear those things. Have fun on vacation!

[Kalio1]

Exzactly what I want to hear, it will end and I will "be myself" again.
Love your description of "what it is like" It was dead on. The "and wanting to do it!" part is especially encouraging.
tx just colors EVERYTHING. I can't wait to ook forward to things again instead of dreading them.
Great thread everyone, it's good to know it isn't just me going thru this.

[Algernon]

I think it's easy for folks to be supportive at first but it gets old living with someone who always feels bad.  

If my spouse were going through TX, I think I'd get tired of carrying the load at some point.  So, my advise is to tell your wife that you know it must be hard for her (the empathy card) and you want to help her and do things with her (the "I love you" card), but the truth is you really feel like cr*p almost all the time (the honesty card).  Ask her to please be patient and to help you be patient (the "we're in it together" card) and promise her that once this is over, you'll be your old, fun, energetic self again (the "this too shall pass" card).

Bottom line:  be honest with her, ask for help, and accept that it's hard for her too.

P.S. I'm currently divorced (take my credentials for giving advice with a grain of salt!)

[sunspot]

It took 5 months into tx before my wife <b>knew</b> that life was on a day to day basis. After the first couple of dozen times she saw me lying on the floor gasping for breath like a fish out of water, ther was no longer any doubt.