Husband Wants *but doesn't want* a Divorce BEFORE Treating!

[robinandmarion]

I posted a bit ago about our plight; husband needs to re-treat for third time....genotype 1a, end Stage 3....this last time he was on interferon and ribaviron and it was total hell for both of us plus we are now bankrupt and it caused us to separate.  He now wants a divorce before he treats again ONLY to spare me and us the pain of going through what we went through before....and he is assuming he will have to go through 2 years vs. 1 years on treatment this time.  He's seeing third specialist in June so he doesn't even know yet when and with what he will be treated with.  The question of us loving each other is NOT the issues - we do very, very much.  In fact, we've both been crying when he talks about divorce and staying separated.  He doesn't want to be a burden to my life any more and knows that he will not have anything to offer me in any way once he starts treatment (which is how he felt last time)...he became very sick right after we got married, 2 years ago, and feels awful about our "broken dreams."  I don't know what to do or what to tell him....any advice from re-treaters or married folks or divorced folks out there?  Thank you!!!

[tashka]

People respond to this treatment in a very different manner. This response has nothing to do with how tough or healthy the patient is, or how cheerful. And nobody can predict what side effects this particular person is going to have. At this point, it is all just lottery.

Dealing with the loved one who has mental health problems is very hard. I hope that he recovers from depression and things will improve between you. Looks like medications are helping him somewhat.  

[robinandmarion]

God bless this board and all of you for all of your help!  He did go through serious depression while on treatment but also major anger and mood swings....very irrational...one day he told me that the previous night he kept praying to die and that he never wanted to die so badly in his life  - this coming from a man who has been through a LOT...more than you can imagine....and survived....in life....he was lying bed when I came over and I called his AA sponsors to check on him during the night (we were separated at the time but I checked on him every day)....this was at the very end of his treatment.....we went to my therapist once to see about marriage counseling (she's also a marriage counselor) and at the time he said he would do anything at all and see anyone at all to keep our marriage together (last Jan)...she told us later after meeting w/us that she feels that we need to work on ourselves first, then try marriage counseling later on....we were both too weak, tattered and torn at that time...and probably still are......he just wants to be left alone and "live life with peace" as he says.....this interferon/riba is devastating to people....I cannot believe that some people on here can work and carry on...not my husband and he is tough as nails, believe me!!....thank you, thank you, thank you all......blessings......sue

[Magnum]

Have you considered a Marriage Counselor? My brother and his wide, facing different circumstances, and on the way to divorce court, solved their differences with a counselor. They have been very happy together ever since. Desperate times require desperate measures...

Magnum

[tashka]

It is very important to bring his depression under control. He definitely needs to be under care of psychiatrist. Often several drug combinations have to be tried. Sometimes addition of a small dose of antipsychotic (Seroquel or the other) makes a big difference. And you do have to give it time, because most medications don't work right away.

As his depression improves, you should notice a difference in his thinking and attitude.  Then, hopefully, you can mend your relationship.

You need to be very cautious about interferon treatment. Interferon is known to cause psychiatric disturbances. Unfortunately, some patients can not take it for this particular reason. He needs to be closely followed and monitored, because depression is a serious matter. What he suggests right now (divorcing and attempting treatment on his own) is again very irrational and also dangerous, because he can commit suicide if left alone.

[robinandmarion]

Yes, my husband is very depressed....he was treated with 3 different types of antidepressents just before and during treatment....zoloft, lexapro and prozac, none of which worked.  He never saw a psychiatrist, his lvier doc just prescribed them.  His prozac was tweaked a bit and that was the last AD he was on...he hates AD's and he was only on them once before for about a year when he lost 5 family members in 1 year.  He just saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with severe depression and was told to stay on the prozac (why I don't know) but he added Wellbutrin which seems to have helped a lot in terms of his mood swings.  He seems a lot more like himself now.  THANK YOUI EVERYONE for your comments, suggestions and well wishes.  I am going to send some of these to him via e-mail...he is convinced that he will be on peginterferon and riba. for 2 years...I just told him this morning that he very will WON'T be and shared some of your comments w/him....he was quiet - I think stunned.  One of the reasons he has such great fear is that he watched his sister die of Hep C whom he was very close to...it was horrible, and she passed away just as he began treatment.  She couldn't handle the treatment and had to stop, had many complications from it, and ended up dying.  Blessings to all of you!!  Sue
p.s.  he was told that he is "End Stage III" w/ bridging and fibrosis

[Mr Liver]

Hi,
I am curious---did your husband use anti-depressants on previous tx's ? If so, were the dosages or type ever adjusted after starting them ? Does your husband normally take anti-depressants for clinical depression or just used them with tx ? Or did he refuse to take anti-depressants altogether. Thanks for your answers in advance,
regards,
ML

[Trish77]

Your dreams aren't shattered.  They just need adjusting.  Life can throw you a curveball.  My girlfriend lost her leg below the knee in a motorcycle accident a couple years ago.  Up until then, she danced, played squash, golfed, rode a bike, travelled and did all sorts of things and did most of those things with her partner.  It has been a slow recovery for her and painful.  She'll take on some of those things again but in a very different way than ever before with that artificial limb and some of those things are simply lost to her forever.  It has not been easy on her and her partner.  Life is tough sometimes.

Your husband doesn't want a divorce.  He doesn't want to over-burden you as you were last time and most likely doesn't want to deal with separation in the middle of treatment. Both of those things likely bring him to a tough and unhappy decision to divorce you.  He's probably also thinking that two or three years separation is unfair to ask you to wait that long.  So...he's figuring divorce is what is fair.  That's a guess on my part.  How close that is to the truth, I dunno.  Just a conjecture on my part.

I haven't had to be a caregiver through an illness like this, I just know it's a really tough gig. I think it's important for YOU to figure out what you are willing to handle and if you're up for being there through the ups and downs of his next treatment come what may.  If you are, then you'll need to be VERY convincing to him that you're committed to this no matter what.  As for those dreams.....if you're able to get over the disappointment yourself, he'll need some convincing on that as well.  

Also possible that you can take some time before he treats next.  Even six months to simply enjoy each other and give you time to get mentally prepared for him to go through this again.

Regardless of what you hope he would do for you if it was you who had become sick or injured and required heavy care ... you'll have to be realistic with yourself and determine what YOU are willing to deal with.  And perhaps the kindest thing for YOU to do is to agree to divorce him if you're not able or willing to see him through this illness.  If you ARE ... then you have some mighty convincing to do as this guy feels like an incredible burden to you right now, it seems.

Hard stuff.  Wish you both good luck with sorting this out.

Trish

[copyman]

i agree with the others especially with waiting for the new drugs coming out in a year. here is a plan that may work for you and hubby. Get back together to help mend marrige for a year. Then next year maybe the marrige will be strong enough to endure another treatment if not then look at adding an antidepressant.

best of luck

[Marcia2202]

I just wanted to chime in to wish you well.

Hugs, Marcia

[tashka]

Is your husband still depressed? It sounds like he still is, because what he says to you is not rational.

If he loves you, why does he want divorce? All of this doesn't make any sense for a person in a stable mental state. But such ideas are very normal for a depressed person. Depressed individuals tend to see everything around them in a gloomy way, pretty much everything seems hopeless. They believe that they are a burden on others around them. People in this state can divorce, quit school or work, break relationships/friendships, and later, when depression lifts, they deeply regret what they have done and can not understand how they could have done it.  

DO NOT make such a big decision as divorcing if he is depressed. Tell him you don't want a divorce and just stay separated until his condition is more stable, and he can think clearly.

I hope things will work out for you both. Remember that even with antidepressants it takes a while for depression to go away completely.

[jusjames]

i think your words were lovely ;-))
x
but iam tx so just ignore me ......

[Trinity4]

LOL. Is that where I heard that?  I wasn't capable of speaking such words during my course of treatment.  Hubby kept his distance which proved detrimental to his well being but really when it was all said and done I couldn't have done it without him and we do have a stronger bond now.  With his cognitive problems it's fortunate for me he doesn't remember my wickedness.  :)

[FlGuy]

"Love is a very strong bond.  Things may seem a bit hopeless right now but there are always ways around the obsticles you are experiencing and the union of marriage is a work in progress.  One of the greatest things with marriage is that the joy is doubled when two people are together through the journey of life."

Hallmark called.  They want their card back.

[Trinity4]

I'm a geno 1, stage 3/4 and I'm waiting for the PI's to be approved as part of the SOC.  Having treated twice before the antiviral meds prevented or slowed down your husband's fibrosis from advancing.  In my case, I feel like it gave me some time to wait for the PI's.  I treated for 72 weeks and relapsed so my thoughts are re-treating with interferon and ribavirin are not going to give me better odds of beating the virus.  Once the PI's are approved we may only have to treat for 24 wks as opposed to 48 or 72.  

Andiamo, a member of this forum treated 10 times with interferon and ribavirin but never attained SVR.  He enrolled in a Telaprevir (protease inhibitor plus interferon and ribavirin) for 24 weeks and was cured.  His liver damage was also stage 3 so there is hope if he's willing to wait.  

Regardless of what drugs we take to treat this wretched virus there are always going to be side effects.   Medications are available to help with these side effects and with a workable support system in place plus determination most manage to get through the bad times.  

When he sees his doctor in June I hope he discusses all of his concerns and works closely with his doctor to give him the best options available the next go round.  

Love is a very strong bond.  Things may seem a bit hopeless right now but there are always ways around the obsticles you are experiencing and the union of marriage is a work in progress.  One of the greatest things with marriage is that the joy is doubled when two people are together through the journey of life.

Good luck to you both
Trinity

[nygirl7]

I agree with the others as a person with stage 3 I felt it necessary to treat as aggressively as I could however if I had to do it again now i would wait and see what happens with the new drugs being released.  Doing the PI perhaps for a much shorter time period seems sensible and if he responded brilliantly to it he could do only 24 weeks.  Certainly a marriage could tolerate that even if it was a separation for that time period rather than divorce.  I'm not sure where two years comes from but studies don't go past 72 weeks anyway and that is not two years but why not go for the PIs and do half the time that he did before?

Treatment really is not fun but with the help of a good antidepressent and the right doctor it could be tolerable perhaps.

I think that you should talk to a good qualified counselor - although the internet is great it's not really the same thing.  If it's a matter of money there are always clinics with sliding scale fees out there and also a trial of a PI perhaps could take care of the other cost of treatment.

[JennyPenny2009]

I'm not sure wht Stage 3 means in your post either as stage 3 is not close to the end of things. If you mean Child's Class C of cirrhosis, then that would be near the end but treatment is not an option for those people.

If your dh is Stage 3 (bridging fibrosis) he should speak to his doctor about waiting for telaprevir to be approved next year. Treating again with the same treatment 3 times is highly unlikely to work for him. Adding the protease inhibitor would be his best bet for clearance of the virus.

As for divorce, why consider that? Stay separated for the treatment if that is best for both of you and worry about divorce after treatment is done.

[jusjames]

you are both in a bad place right now and i wish you both all the luck in the world to get through this, maybe you tell hubby that divorce is not important by all means stay seperated but forget divorce just get on with tx tell him to just concentrate on beating this and then think about stuff like divorce ,which i suspect may not be an issue by then ,
good luck,

[FlGuy]

Life is making choices, some tougher than others. You and hubby seemed to have eliminated one alternative altogether.
Relapse, depression, rash, divorce, financial difficulty, breakdowns all seem to have the same source - his treatment.  If treatment is the root of all evil , and this list of things is so important to both of you- why pursue treatment at all, at least for the forseeable future?
You mentioned that he was stage 3 (final).  I have no idea what the 'final' part is but there is nothing final about stage 3.  Many of us here, including some who have responded to you, did not even know they had HCV until they had stage 4 (Cirrhosis) and many of those are relatively symptom-free even at cirrhosis.
So, it's back to choices.  Is the motivation to re-try treatment, with a low liklihood of success and a high probability of more suffering and disappointment. greater than the things that you mentioned were so important to you both?
The choice that I am describing is what I call the "Scarlet O'Hara Option".  In it's most basic caption the S.O.O.'s premise is "fiddle dee dee, life goes on and I'll worry about it another day"
Good luck.