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Mental preparation question

I'm sorry if this is too personal of a question to ask.  I find that the closer I get to doing treatment, the more I begin to grieve all over again.  Perhaps it's because I had treatment rescheduled because of my choice to switch doctors.  I don't know.  I have just found it's like starting all over again.  And now I find I'm going through the grieving process again.  That period of time where you come to grips with what this means for your life and the fact that you may never get what you hope to once treatment is done.  I still don't want to delay treatment.  All my reasons for choosing to proceed at this time are just as valid to me as they were when I made the decision back in the late fall.  I just find...that it's hitting me hard.  And as hard as it's hitting me, I am just as resolved to get this done.  No more talk of sword swinging and warpaint the first day of drugs.  Just this grit my teeth and get it done resolve because I just know this is how it has to be so that I can get to the rest of my life.  I feel like I'm mourning for the next year of my life.  I don't even know what my question is here.  Maybe...it's just too much emotion inside of me and I need to say it to people who I hope will help me deal..or slap me up side the head and tell me to snap out of it.  Whatever works.
59 Responses
86075 tn?1238118691
we're not only in the same boat, we're in the same bathtub! I think we're starting around the same time, I'm just waiting on my insurance to okay it, or that's what the NP says anyway...everyone says this is the worst time, the anticipation, so I'm trying to go as positive as I can, listening to many positive mediations...

what I'm doing is a lot of meditating, buying really nice things for my place (realize not everyone can do that) listening to really enjoyable music, and having my place really deep cleaned, (Pigeonica told me about this woman she knows that every so often, she hires those people who clean crime scenes? they do a much better job at cleaning then a service or a cleaning lady, but maybe that's going too far, even for me, lol....

rearranging furniture, got some beautiful new towels and bath things, everything to make myself feel better, and nothing tops shopping! lol...just kidding, a little bit anyway:) I bought a few of those plush blankets cause of the "chills" thing, and an electric blanket, though I always run hot...and a humidifier....my plants should like that....

....I'm stocking up on lots of stuff to watch on TV, box sets of favorite tv shows, etc....I'm buying a lot of comedy, on CD and DVD...I'm even getting a last tint on my hair this week, for old times sake, cause I have a feeling, that not tinting my hair for a long time is going to make me look like the Blair Witch Project..:)

If anyone women are reading this that knows the score, how many of you tinted your hair while on TX? I know it's not recommended, even though the tint I use is mostly veggie based, I know it has at least SOME chemicals in it, so I think I'll forgo it, and I might not even feel like going to the salon anyway, although it's mostly just women and gay guys anyway, so who cares who sees me there/ lol....but I just want to know some takes on this, and when did you guys feel okay about tinting your hair again? My hair! My hair! I know I sound so shallow, but I am!!! lol....
179355 tn?1207410851
I would never hit a woman. But...SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!!  
There's people doing it for 72 weeks. People doing it their second, third, fourth time. People who's relapsed and are gearing up to do it again (like me). People who are in their fourth stage and would probably trade spots with you in a heartbeat. Your life doesn't stop while you're on treatment. It changes but it doesn't stop. Do you think you have an alternative? I don't think so!  Look Trish, you got all the support right here. You're not in this fight alone. Grit your teeth, take that step, and get on with your journey. We'll be with you all the way.
Avatar universal
Yeah.. I know.  I was embarrassed almost as soon as I hit "Post Comment".  Some forums have the ability to delete your own posts and I was fervently wishing this was one of them.  Maybe I should have journalled that one where nobody could see it.  It's really not like me on the whole to whine and complain but there it is in black and white.  I guess it's knowing that this is only the beginning and I could end up being one of those 72 week persons and that this begins the total journey into the unknown for gosh knows how long.  Oh well. It will be what it will be.  Thanks for the slap upside the head.  I respond best to those.  Go figure.  And seems guys are good for that.  Thanks Teuf, I needed that.

Forsee...been there, done that.  Got all my little plans in place..got my launch party planned out.. St. Paddy's Day road race and then off I go.. all that.  Just being a total wuss today.  Maybe cause I just finished my period.  Yeah, that's it.  Fall back on the typical excuse.  It's my hormones.

Avatar universal
Forsee...I did the positive gig.  I was WAY positive...rolling in positive.  And for some reason, the postponement knocked the legs right out from under me.  Having posted my whiny wienie little complaint, I've embarrassed myself sufficiently to kick my OWN a$$..and along with Teuf's slap upside the head... I think I'll just stop being a wuss and get 'er done.  That's all she wrote.  (As if, eh?)
86075 tn?1238118691
maybe it's a male vs female thing, God knows, but I don't think people should be criticized for whining once in awhile, or just being plain scared, it's not like you make a thread about this every 4 hours....I think it's Mike Simon that has said, whatever YOUR pain is, it's your pain, something to that effect, and he's had a transplant....I know it's probably just a style thing, and it was meant supportively so I'm not criticizing anyone either, but whine all you want, if people got tagged for whining here, there'd be 4 people left...just my take...this is some scary stuff, but like was said, I do get a lot out of the people who have gone before me.
Avatar universal
I think Teuf had an idea that I really DID need a slap upside the head.  I really DO respond to those.  At least my grandmother sure thought so. She gave me plenty.

You're a sweetheart, Forsee.  We're all such a good balance for each other here.  And yeah... I think it's a male/female thing.  I ALWAYS go to my male friends when I need a quick slap up side the head. When I just need to vent and get it out and be able to say how I feel.. nothing better than girlfriends for that.  And lucky me... I got both on this thread. :)

Can't think of anyone nicer to share the bathtub with than you, Forsee.  :)
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