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New Relationship Help
So I have been chasing this girl for a year. At first she had been denying me and turning me down, but I was persistant. Recently she has done a complete 180 and she is into me waaay more than before. I really don't know what changed. Here is the problem. I have HSV2. I never told her about it because we were not intimate at all outside of some hugs, but nothing to make me believe that it was actually gonna go there. Well, we went on a vacation together and I was totally caught off guard by her sexual advances and horny-ness cause even on the first day of the vacation I got no indication. Things got hot and heavy, but I opted not to hit the home-run because I really really liked her. I had my chances trust me. I debated about so many scenarios to tell her from very sneaky after the fact type way to just being straight up. I figured I was in a lose-lose situation, but i really liked her and I just didnt want her to have anything bad to say about me later, so I opted to do what I thought was the right thing at the time and tell her. So I did......
She shut down, to which I expected. The initial shock is a *****. She shut down saying that this probably won't work out and everything. So I was left thinking to myself, was honesty really the best policy?? Because I would have used condoms and I would have been on Valtrex 2times a day 500mg. In my heart I know I did the right thing and I couldn't be too mad at her cause its her body. Then something odd happened and has happened everyday since....she has been physical with me. She will allow me to go down on her, finger her, and she will do other things like sit on my face (we all adults here so I feel I can say that lol). All of which feels great to her and it makes me feel good to make her feel good. However.....
She stops short of sex. Sex is not that big of a deal to me, I can wait, but she won't even touch my privates cause she thinks she is going to get it. I understand that she is scared, but its getting ridiculous. At some points I think she is considering it (sex) but then the fear gets the best of her. I have told her that the chances of it happening to her a very very slim with condoms and suppressive therapy. I also told her that I have had a good sex life prior to her coming into it with no issues and to my knowledge that I have never infected anyone. I told her about the 1 in 4 or 3 ppl that has it and let her know that if she is really honest to herself she has probably ran across someone with it and they just opted not to say anything. Basically, its like she believed in condoms initially, but the moment she came across someone that had something that the condoms are supposed protect from, the whole faith in them went out the window.
Anyway, I have done everything I can do basically to present my case. I tried to get her to see that while her fear is justified, her logic is retarded. Like, what is the real difference between me ( condoms/medicine) and someone who she just throws a condom on and sleeps with. Its still the same risk, its just that I had the dignity and respect to tell her while someone else might not have. Short of sending her here to see what medical professionals and other experienced people think, I am running out of options.
As she said, "everything would be so perfect between us." I am trying to be patient, not about sex , but I worry because sex is a big deal to her, and she is a hornball, like she is horny alot. I have no problem at this time being physical and everything for her, but it will get old, and my biggest fear is that her fear of sex with me will drive her to find **** elsewhere while just keeping me around because i make her feel good about herself as a woman (mentally and emotionally) , I can make her O without sex, and I that I have decent bankroll.
Any help or suggestions please
She shut down, to which I expected. The initial shock is a *****. She shut down saying that this probably won't work out and everything. So I was left thinking to myself, was honesty really the best policy?? Because I would have used condoms and I would have been on Valtrex 2times a day 500mg. In my heart I know I did the right thing and I couldn't be too mad at her cause its her body. Then something odd happened and has happened everyday since....she has been physical with me. She will allow me to go down on her, finger her, and she will do other things like sit on my face (we all adults here so I feel I can say that lol). All of which feels great to her and it makes me feel good to make her feel good. However.....
She stops short of sex. Sex is not that big of a deal to me, I can wait, but she won't even touch my privates cause she thinks she is going to get it. I understand that she is scared, but its getting ridiculous. At some points I think she is considering it (sex) but then the fear gets the best of her. I have told her that the chances of it happening to her a very very slim with condoms and suppressive therapy. I also told her that I have had a good sex life prior to her coming into it with no issues and to my knowledge that I have never infected anyone. I told her about the 1 in 4 or 3 ppl that has it and let her know that if she is really honest to herself she has probably ran across someone with it and they just opted not to say anything. Basically, its like she believed in condoms initially, but the moment she came across someone that had something that the condoms are supposed protect from, the whole faith in them went out the window.
Anyway, I have done everything I can do basically to present my case. I tried to get her to see that while her fear is justified, her logic is retarded. Like, what is the real difference between me ( condoms/medicine) and someone who she just throws a condom on and sleeps with. Its still the same risk, its just that I had the dignity and respect to tell her while someone else might not have. Short of sending her here to see what medical professionals and other experienced people think, I am running out of options.
As she said, "everything would be so perfect between us." I am trying to be patient, not about sex , but I worry because sex is a big deal to her, and she is a hornball, like she is horny alot. I have no problem at this time being physical and everything for her, but it will get old, and my biggest fear is that her fear of sex with me will drive her to find **** elsewhere while just keeping me around because i make her feel good about herself as a woman (mentally and emotionally) , I can make her O without sex, and I that I have decent bankroll.
Any help or suggestions please
You asked for my comments so here they are - keep in mind this is only my 2 cents.
I think it's time to back away from this gal . no more oral sex on her. No more anything that involves removing clothing. She is not accepting your hsv2. She isn't moving forward.Do you talk about this together? You sound amazed even that she's finally wanting you after a year - do you talk about that? It really sounds like she is thinking that as long as there isn't actual penetration, she is fine but I betcha first sign of anything down yonder and she is gone. Have you talked about her going to get tested to know her own status? Don't stick around and do anything she asks just because she's your ideal gal that you've been chasing around for a year now. I would be very honest with her that you are feeling that this isn't quite working out because she's getting what she wants but isn't thinking of you - doesn't mean that you are saying you want to have sex or it's over, it means that it's all or none at this point - the relationship either moves forward or it ends. Set a date, say 2 weeks or something and tell her either she's in or she's out. You've given her the information basics she needs. She's had enough time from the sounds of things to do research on her own too. The longer this goes on like this, the more hurt you are going to be if she decides she can't accept the risk and have a "real" relationship with you. Granted I don't know squat about this gal and you've spent a year around her so you know her far better than I ever could but you've been there, done that in the acceptance department and you know it doesn't go like this does it? she won't even touch your penis to manually stimulate you - it really seems one sided which is never a good thing.
It's never the right thing to not talk about what you know you have just in order to have someone who you are interested in. You don't have to bring it up on the first date but it needs to be talked about before sex. It's what you'd want someone to do for you and it's what you should do for others. You already know this though from the sounds of it - it seems to be what you've been doing all along :)
grace
I think it's time to back away from this gal . no more oral sex on her. No more anything that involves removing clothing. She is not accepting your hsv2. She isn't moving forward.Do you talk about this together? You sound amazed even that she's finally wanting you after a year - do you talk about that? It really sounds like she is thinking that as long as there isn't actual penetration, she is fine but I betcha first sign of anything down yonder and she is gone. Have you talked about her going to get tested to know her own status? Don't stick around and do anything she asks just because she's your ideal gal that you've been chasing around for a year now. I would be very honest with her that you are feeling that this isn't quite working out because she's getting what she wants but isn't thinking of you - doesn't mean that you are saying you want to have sex or it's over, it means that it's all or none at this point - the relationship either moves forward or it ends. Set a date, say 2 weeks or something and tell her either she's in or she's out. You've given her the information basics she needs. She's had enough time from the sounds of things to do research on her own too. The longer this goes on like this, the more hurt you are going to be if she decides she can't accept the risk and have a "real" relationship with you. Granted I don't know squat about this gal and you've spent a year around her so you know her far better than I ever could but you've been there, done that in the acceptance department and you know it doesn't go like this does it? she won't even touch your penis to manually stimulate you - it really seems one sided which is never a good thing.
It's never the right thing to not talk about what you know you have just in order to have someone who you are interested in. You don't have to bring it up on the first date but it needs to be talked about before sex. It's what you'd want someone to do for you and it's what you should do for others. You already know this though from the sounds of it - it seems to be what you've been doing all along :)
grace
Hey! I just read your post and I just want to say that telling her straight up was the best decision you made. Now, I don't want to make judgements on your relationship because I do not know either of you personally but one question.... If this person really loved/cared for you would it really matter then?
I was diagnosed about 7 months ago and was tore up reallly bad over it. I mean, my world felt like it had ended and I was soooo scared of telling anyone. I had met a guy who I fell in love with... I built up the courage and I told him. He hugged me and said " Thank you for being honest with me, I love you and it doesn't matter". He did end up contracting it from me but we deal with it together and support eachother. And honestly it is NO BIG DEAL if you are in a healthy/loving relationship.
You need something like that.. It is not a one way road here.. I mean, I know it must feel great pleasuring her but.... thats NOT fair to you at all. I just think thats kind of bogus. Thats just my opinion and I apologize if I came across rude. But Herpes is VERY common and modern medical technology is making it easier and easier to live with. You seem like a wonderful person, I don't think you should wait and wait but it is obvious you care for this woman and all you can do is present the facts. Good Luck sweetheart!
I was diagnosed about 7 months ago and was tore up reallly bad over it. I mean, my world felt like it had ended and I was soooo scared of telling anyone. I had met a guy who I fell in love with... I built up the courage and I told him. He hugged me and said " Thank you for being honest with me, I love you and it doesn't matter". He did end up contracting it from me but we deal with it together and support eachother. And honestly it is NO BIG DEAL if you are in a healthy/loving relationship.
You need something like that.. It is not a one way road here.. I mean, I know it must feel great pleasuring her but.... thats NOT fair to you at all. I just think thats kind of bogus. Thats just my opinion and I apologize if I came across rude. But Herpes is VERY common and modern medical technology is making it easier and easier to live with. You seem like a wonderful person, I don't think you should wait and wait but it is obvious you care for this woman and all you can do is present the facts. Good Luck sweetheart!
In addition to the Herpes Handbook, here's a great book by Terri Warren called "The Good News About the Bad News" you both can read, that DOESN'T have the "stigma garbage"...
http://www.westoverheights.com/index.html
http://www.westoverheights.com/index.html
I can't give you any info mostly because I am learning about the virus. However, I can provide you insight as a women. I think you are wonderful. It was the right thing to do to tell her. She is just in freak out mode ( honestly, I would be too). Give her some time to digest it and present her with hard facts about transmission risk. I think everyone wants someone to care for them and you being honest shows you care enough to put her health before your lust/pleasure. You are wonderful and I wish more men were like you. *big hug*
Well if you mean how much do I know about herpes? I guess as about as much as one could possibly know. The internet is filled with so much stigma garbage, that's its hard to sift through it all. But I have dealing with this for what 10yrs??? So I know a decent amount about it. I've had this conversation many times before (with 100% success rate), but for some reason, I feel that its different and its making me stress. Now if you mean statistics and stuff, maybe not so much.
Also, I never said that she WOULD go elsewhere for sex, I just said it was a fear of mine, because I know people and I wouldn't put anything past anyone. Ya know?
I do appreciate you answering my question though. I was wondering how long it would take for before SOMEONE answered ;) thanks!
Do you know what she said to me yesterday?? "I sorta wish you hadn't said anything." Now how can I respond to that?? LOL. That was after I made her O for like the 3 time that day. Its like I can see she is thinking about it at times but her fear overcomes her and I don't want to push her ya know?
I guess i am okay with no intercourse for now because its what makes her comfortable. Plus she has to be able to get over the stigma of it herself , more so than I have to convince her cause she doesn't have to take my word for it.
But thanks for the link also. Hope to keep in touch!
Also, I never said that she WOULD go elsewhere for sex, I just said it was a fear of mine, because I know people and I wouldn't put anything past anyone. Ya know?
I do appreciate you answering my question though. I was wondering how long it would take for before SOMEONE answered ;) thanks!
Do you know what she said to me yesterday?? "I sorta wish you hadn't said anything." Now how can I respond to that?? LOL. That was after I made her O for like the 3 time that day. Its like I can see she is thinking about it at times but her fear overcomes her and I don't want to push her ya know?
I guess i am okay with no intercourse for now because its what makes her comfortable. Plus she has to be able to get over the stigma of it herself , more so than I have to convince her cause she doesn't have to take my word for it.
But thanks for the link also. Hope to keep in touch!
First off, are you fully educated about genital herpes? That's really necessary, especially in being able to talk facts with any potential partner (there are LOTS of herpes myths)...
You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing - imagine if you had sex and told her after? Not only would she still dump you, but she'd no doubt be very upset that you put her at risk. Same goes for any potential partners. Honesty is truly the foundation for any good/healthy relationship.
As to giving up intercourse to stay in a relationship with her?? That's crazy. People with herpes have intercourse, and one can do so safely with the options available. The fact that you think she'd go elsewhere for sex while seeing you should make you realize this ain't the girl for you.
Check out the Herpes Handbook for starters. There a chapter on telling your partner, and lots of other great info:
http://www.westoverheights.com/genital_herpes/handbook/view_the_chapters.html
You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing - imagine if you had sex and told her after? Not only would she still dump you, but she'd no doubt be very upset that you put her at risk. Same goes for any potential partners. Honesty is truly the foundation for any good/healthy relationship.
As to giving up intercourse to stay in a relationship with her?? That's crazy. People with herpes have intercourse, and one can do so safely with the options available. The fact that you think she'd go elsewhere for sex while seeing you should make you realize this ain't the girl for you.
Check out the Herpes Handbook for starters. There a chapter on telling your partner, and lots of other great info:
http://www.westoverheights.com/genital_herpes/handbook/view_the_chapters.html
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Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
