Going through separation..very depressed!

[Lonelyag]

My fiance and I have been together for close to 12 years. We have 2 girls ages 10 and 4. The first couple of years we always had our ups and downs and we struggled to stay together. But now, it's been really really hard since I found out he cheated on me when I had just had my second daughter and the woman became pregnant so he has a daughter that is 3 with this woman. We seperated for some time but I eventually forgave him and tried to move on. We never really worked on our relationship, we kind of just swept it under the rug and din't really discuss it because he didn't like to. I was very patient and I was hurt but I wanted to be with him because I loved him and for the sake of the girls. Now I made the biggest mistake of my LIFE...I cheated on him for 2 months as well. It didn't start out as a revenge or anything like that, I never in a million years thought I could be capable of something like this. I hate myself so much for doing this to him and I want to work on us but he will not. He is disgusted with me and wants to separate as we are not married. We are still iving in the same house but it's so hard not to talk to him..he won't talk to me. What can I do or what should I do in this situation.,.Any advice I don't have anyone to talk to about this as I feel very shameful!

[brice1967]

Hey, let me interject for a minute.  First off, finding yourself help is key so be glad that youo started there.  Your stability will be paramount when it comes to raising those kids.

Secondly, if the guy doesnt want to address his problems, they arent going to go away.  Take it from me, a man who for 30 some years either blew up or swept things under the rug.  These problems will bite him in the hind quarters.... and if these problems don't, not knowing how to deal with future issues will.  It's a given.

I would never tell anyone to give someone the boot.  This is a decison that only you can make.  Take a good long look at yourself and your situation.... take a good long look at him and this situation..... be fair while judging.  (I am fortunate enough to have a 2nd chance and I am doing all it takes and then some to try and save the marriage)

I do not believe "once a cheat, always a cheat".  The interesting dynamic here is that you both cheated.  

Good luck, get help and listen to your therapist

[TTinKKerBBell]

What I am suggesting is the word "finance" implies pending marriage and after 12 years (or 7, or 5) maybe marriage was never the "intent" and if one is not ready to commit (as in a marriage) maybe we shouldn't be living with these guys and making babies with them.  If things are ever going to change it would be up to US to change them.  We could start by dropping the attitude "boys will be boys" AND the attitude "what can I do to make sure this never happens again?".  If WE change our attitudes THEY will HAVE to change theirs.  

P.S.
seeana, I love Your humor!!

[Lonelyag]

You know this is what I keep hearing...kick him out!..It's sad to me but in reality that is what's best. And I thought the same, how dare he get all huffy and blame everything on me. We are both at FAULT here. I accept what I have done and I'm trying to get through this. And yes you are right, Male Chauvinist Pig he is!!!

I really appreciate your honest opinion.

[seeana]

Once again the old chestnut do as I say not as I do.....if I was you I would kick  his bottom from here to kingdom come.
How dare he !!!!! has he a problem with HIS memory what a piece of work he is.
You have got yourself a dyed in the Wool male Chauvinist Pig.

But sorry ......hun two wrongs wont make it right and you Must put your children first as what ever you do will impact on them for a long time.It might be a good idea if you did separate as I would think it is not a happy household at this time.

I might be old fashioned but I would never do something I know I will regret later.
When my ex had an affair I never thought of doing the same thing I simply could not go there.Although I would have had a hard time refusing Elvis in his heyday and Paul Newman..... but they rightly belong in my fantasies only.

[seeana]

Hi Tink...... So many couples are in this sort of relationship.I dont suppose it makes much difference to how they connect...De Facto has been going on for yrs and most look on it as a bit of paper and thats all.

Everything has changed in this mixed up world we live in.I think that it makes no difference  anymore as married or not people will still cheat on each other.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Do You HEAR what You say to me here??