1st time in a wheelchair :(

[michelleric]

Well, this week has done me in. The amount of stress I am under is rediculous!

Had a wonderful beginning of the week, seeing friends from the forum, returned to my life Tuesday, and I think I should have stayed at the hotel!

My dad has been in the hospital for about 2 weeks. He had major spinal surgery Wednesday, and moved to a rehab hospital last night. He is in tons of pain, still has a drain in, and is a mess. He called me about 5 this morning, to come get him the h#^ll out of there!  It is very hard to watch and be part of.

My siblings are a mess as well. He was in the same hospital where my mom died this year, and it brings back horrible memories. Anyway, I have been doing my usual "way too much" these days. Also, because I am the one with a minivan, they want me to take him Monday to get the drain out. My sibling dont want to spend the 100.00 to pay for the ambulance. He can not even stand, and I am certainly not risking him or me with this event. I will pay the money, I think it is money well spent so he can be safe. Lord, too too much drama.

I worked yesterday and today. The piled the patients on, and I don't even get a lunch break. My body failed me by the end of the day.  I drove to the rehab hospital after work, where I was to meet my sister. I had trouble getting out of the car, and she was waiting for me in the parking lot. I could not walk. She saw me, came over and started crying right there.

She went and got me a wheel chair and pushed me in to see my father. It was so depressing. My father started crying, she was still crying about me. and basically it was just a very low point. 1st time I couldnt walk. Normally I have the limp, but never had I lost the strength like this.

I realize I can not push myself like this. After being in the chair about an hour or so, I was able to walk and get myself back to the car to go home. I am sad about this, and a bit embarrassed too. Here I am in my scrubs, looking like a rehab patient in this place.

Too much. my family is falling apart and I think I am unable to prevent it. My father is not doing well, at all, my siblings are a big huge mess, and as for me, I am scared the wheelchair is my destiny, just as it was my mothers.

Think I will go to bed, and hope to wake up with more strength.

Thanks for listening,

Michelle

[twopack]

I'm sorry to hear you've got so much piling up on you.  Hoping yesterday was the respite you needed to recharge.

I understand wanting to stay away from any and all assistive devices.  To me it represents the increasing inability to do what I want, when I want and as I want.  I have never thought of it as humiliating though.  I'm just glad there are so many useful tools available for the times I need them.  When they have served their purpose I'm equally glad to put away for as long as I can.  It's all about balance.  You're out now but will hopefully readjust soon.

I'm also keeping your dad in my thoughts.  A rehab hospital is quite different than a nursing home 'rehab'.  It sounds like you're familiar with patients so you probably know that.  It's hard to make the move from one place and staff to a new one, especially over a weekend  I hope he is seeing the benefits of being where he can heal and strengthen.

[MsWobbles]

You have way too much stress right now!!  Your siblings need to help!!  

I've seen the effect too much stress can have on my symptoms resulting in ER visits, inability to swallow, increased difficulty walking, and general collapse.  Your idea about paying the $100 to transport your dad is a good one!!  

Also, listen to your dad:  If at all possible, please get your dad out of "rehab" ASAP.  I have seen too many cases where "rehab" facilities have totally wrecked someone's health.  I feel rehab facilities are to be avoided at all costs (there may be some good ones, but there are way more bad ones!). Your dad's insurance may pay for in-home assistance which, in my opinion, is a way better way to go than a "rehab" facility.  But even with in-home helpers, you need to watch them closely as they are not all good.

Good luck to you and your dad!!

WAF

[shawnie31]

Michelle, hang in there. I know it's probably easier said then done. You will have to find a way to get more support from your sibblings you need them right now to be strong and all get through this together.

I'm sure it would be extremely difficult to watch your father recover from painful spinal surgery if you didn't have MS. But you have to remember that your not well, I'm sure your father wants to see you be as healthy as you possibly can. What's the deal with work, why are you doing this to yourself? NO BREAK?? Try to take better care of yourself. Work is work, it's not your life or your health.

Sorry if I'm a little direct, but you really need to put yourself first here before you crumble into many pieces..

I sure hope your dad's pain eases soon. Take care of yourself...

Shelley

[Lulu54]

Dear Michelle,
The advice from everyone else is excellent, but I also know your personality won't allow you to put yourself first before everyone else's needs.  My hope is that your family has had a reality check, seeing you in this condition should hammer home the fact that they need to step up more.

Don't even think about moving dad yourself.  The medical transport is the only way to do this safely and efficiently.  You could really hurt yourself if you try this on your own - and do damage to dad, too.

It sounds like you could use some more alternative therapy of M&M's and liquid libations.  Wish you were a wee bit closer and I would come over for both.

take care - lots of gentle hugs to you.

Laura

[HVAC]

You have to take care of yourself first or you are no good to anyone else. Crisis tend to bring out the worst in family dynamics. That is o.k. its natural. The situation you are in is chaotic and the natural tendency with chaos is to want to gain control. This is not possible and it drains energy. "Let it Be" is the greatest philosophy. Everyone has the right to react the way they do even you.

Do not feel guilty for enjoying yourself. Life is never all bad or all good. This is why laughter and tears are so close.

Have fun.

Alex

[michelleric]

Thanks for your replies. I so appreciate them. Today is a better day mentally, not as much physically, but I am feeling better.

I have enjoyed a peaceful morning, as the kids are in Sunday school and I am home alone resting. Good.

I am looking forward to today. We are going to a Chanukah party at a neighbors this afternoon, and then I have a date with my husband tonight! For my bday last month, he got me tickets to see Wicked.  That is what is on for the evening, dinner and a play with hubby. Should be fun, and I know he will be helpful with regards to me. He is "getting it" these days, I guess just seeing me, he realizes our life is changing some.

Anyway, thanks for your replies. So great to come here and know u all understand.

I will get back to tomorrow, tomorrow, and just enjoy today, today.

Hugs,
Michelle

[essdipity]

So sorry that life and family are piling on again. Maybe not being able to walk is a metaphor for not being able to cope. After all, our minds and bodies are the same thing.

I know you feel you must help with your father, and I'd feel the same way. I'd rather pay for the transport than risk harm to him or myself. But after that I think you should take stock. Your family members believe you will knuckle under, even though you are barely able to keep afloat just managing your kids and your job. This is more than full time, even without MS.

But with MS, some things are just not doable. Maybe you could let your siblings know you will not be available for A, B or C, whatever these might be. And then stick to your guns, no matter what. There's only so much of you to go around, after all.

You are such a nice gal, with so much going for you. Don't let family demands crush your energy or your spirit. They'll get used to the new, restrictive you. Hang in there.

Sending big hugs, also lots of cyber cheesecake.

ess

[cainer]

  yes  u  have  2  think  of  yourself-      they  just  dont  c   it  much  till     u   r  n      a   wheelchair.-    
                thats  just  the  way  it  is.     u  r   under  2  much  stress.
                                   big   hugs   tick

[rendean]

I am so sorry for your predicament!  I know the humiliation of needing a wheelchair. I am so sorry for your decline in function but you have been under a LOT of stress and a lot of physical activity.

I know how humiliating it is to need a wheelchair,. Just remember...it's your body malfunctioning NOT your brain. Your siblings need to wake -up and smell the coffee and and step up to handle the situation. Your are not responsible  for your siblings' lives ..you need to focus on you and your family.


Sending good thoughts and vibes that things will improve  shortly....you know where to find me.

HUGE hugs!
Ren

[Quixotic1]

Some tough love here, Hon.  You can't push yourself that hard and not expect to collapse.  You are trying to be the strong one 'cause your sibs are a mess.  It seems as long as you are going to try, they are going to let you do it.

Lighten up on Michelle and say a big "No."  Although collapsing in front of the family that is not acknowledging your limitations may be the right way to get their attention.  Let's hope.

I'm really sorry about all the cr@p falling your way and I hope your dad's pain lessens soon.  Try not to dwell on the wheelchair.  You know that needing it was the result of being too fatigued and the MS having its way.  It is illegal to create a working situation in which you do not get the breaks and the meals you need.  This may be time to approach HR and ask for the "accomodations to give you some rest periods" or to work a few fewer hours.  You may need to go on record requesting this to protect your job.  

Actually, do you have to work for your family to "make it?"  How is hubby handling all of this now?  Is he getting the message that this is not just a matter of willpower?

Well, rest up, but it looks like if YOU don't protect yourself everyone else will run roughshod over you.  You know I would come after them in my new jazzed up car and BACK UP right over them if I could.

Quix

[Zacksmomi]

I send a big huge hug to you.  I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

I am glad you know we are here to listen.

Sending you great blessings
D