Aa
Need some support (kind of long)
I really need some encouragement right now...As some of you know, my husband of 10 1/2 years recently asked for a divorce. I have just moved into an apartment with my 2 dogs (lab & golden retriever) and cat.
I am struggling with the divorce - my husband has become a completely different person. He has hired a personal trainer, is apparently completely obsessed with his appearance and his personality has undergone a complete 180. I know from some "social networking" sites that he is also already out on the dating scene. I have only been out of our house for a month. The thought of him dating & bringing women back to my house makes me sick inside. I just want to cry for days about the whole dam thing.
I just had gallbladder removal surgery (last friday) and am still recovering. My Mom came to stay with me, to take care of me and help with walking my dogs. I got home from my surgery to find a notice, saying that someone had complained about my dogs barking....great.
I felt well enough yesterday to go out to the park by my apartment, with my mom & the dogs. My lab, Norman, went chasing after a tennis ball (he is a tennis ball nut!) and at full run, I saw his leg go. We hurried to get him to the vet - he has torn his cruciate ligament in his left back knee. That is basically the human equivalent of tearing your ACL in your knee. This will require surgery. And is going to cost me about $4500. I have been through this with him before on his other knee - so I know what it will require. He will have to be confined, walks to potty only, for the first 4 to 6 weeks. Then very slow increased walks. It can take up to 6 months to fully recover from this surgery. But, I know it works. No one ever suspected that he had blown out his other knee - he was fully functional.
I found out two weeks ago that the reason for my hip pain (of the last 5 years) is from labral tears in my hips, caused by FAI - which is an impingement of the femoral head & hip socket. Surgery is the only way to correct it & my insurance won't cover it all. The most I will be out of pocket is $4000 per hip - yep I have it in both hips. So 2 hip surgeries - 6 weeks apart.
So, it is going to be a very expensive summer for me & I am struggling as it is. My husband has offered to help with regards to Norman, my dog - but I have no idea if that means money or what.
All I know is that I am overwhelmed by financial concerns, my own health, and how I am going to get through this divorce.
I had a friend tell me that "god never gives you more than you can handle"....well I would disagree right about now...
That is the end of my pity party...I know that in the grand scheme of things I shouldn't be complaining.
I hope all of you are feeling well. Hug your loved ones & remember to tell them how much they mean to you.
Sending you all hugs,
Chrisy
I am struggling with the divorce - my husband has become a completely different person. He has hired a personal trainer, is apparently completely obsessed with his appearance and his personality has undergone a complete 180. I know from some "social networking" sites that he is also already out on the dating scene. I have only been out of our house for a month. The thought of him dating & bringing women back to my house makes me sick inside. I just want to cry for days about the whole dam thing.
I just had gallbladder removal surgery (last friday) and am still recovering. My Mom came to stay with me, to take care of me and help with walking my dogs. I got home from my surgery to find a notice, saying that someone had complained about my dogs barking....great.
I felt well enough yesterday to go out to the park by my apartment, with my mom & the dogs. My lab, Norman, went chasing after a tennis ball (he is a tennis ball nut!) and at full run, I saw his leg go. We hurried to get him to the vet - he has torn his cruciate ligament in his left back knee. That is basically the human equivalent of tearing your ACL in your knee. This will require surgery. And is going to cost me about $4500. I have been through this with him before on his other knee - so I know what it will require. He will have to be confined, walks to potty only, for the first 4 to 6 weeks. Then very slow increased walks. It can take up to 6 months to fully recover from this surgery. But, I know it works. No one ever suspected that he had blown out his other knee - he was fully functional.
I found out two weeks ago that the reason for my hip pain (of the last 5 years) is from labral tears in my hips, caused by FAI - which is an impingement of the femoral head & hip socket. Surgery is the only way to correct it & my insurance won't cover it all. The most I will be out of pocket is $4000 per hip - yep I have it in both hips. So 2 hip surgeries - 6 weeks apart.
So, it is going to be a very expensive summer for me & I am struggling as it is. My husband has offered to help with regards to Norman, my dog - but I have no idea if that means money or what.
All I know is that I am overwhelmed by financial concerns, my own health, and how I am going to get through this divorce.
I had a friend tell me that "god never gives you more than you can handle"....well I would disagree right about now...
That is the end of my pity party...I know that in the grand scheme of things I shouldn't be complaining.
I hope all of you are feeling well. Hug your loved ones & remember to tell them how much they mean to you.
Sending you all hugs,
Chrisy
The only thing I can add is this: each of these experiences adds up to the sum total of what makes you who you are, and some day you may be able to share some bit of wisdom you have accumulated through them to help out someone in a similar predicament.
I have found that the most difficult times in my life have taught me something. Often, this isn't apparent at the time, but in retrospect, I am able to make a difference in someone else's life-even in a very small way-which makes the journey I'm taking through this life entirely worth while.
Best of luck with the new course your journey is taking you on, and try to remember that with time comes perspective and wisdom. Just be sure to allow yourself enough time-and only you will know when that is, don't let anyone else try to tell you "it's been long enough."
Jen
I have found that the most difficult times in my life have taught me something. Often, this isn't apparent at the time, but in retrospect, I am able to make a difference in someone else's life-even in a very small way-which makes the journey I'm taking through this life entirely worth while.
Best of luck with the new course your journey is taking you on, and try to remember that with time comes perspective and wisdom. Just be sure to allow yourself enough time-and only you will know when that is, don't let anyone else try to tell you "it's been long enough."
Jen
Everyone's already said so much that's good and well said that all I have to add is, Wow. I'm sorry, but you sound like you've got a good solid head on those shoulders, so just keep using that thing.
Bio
Bio
Chrisy,
I think you have a lot of advice already, i can't add much. Just want to say that my heart goes out to you, this is difficult, no doubt about it.
Toad, i think that must be 'his' name, has really done a number on you, i just have nothing to say about that except that "what goes around comes around". Maybe he will have some change of heart and help you out a bit.
I totally believe God doesnt give us more than we can handle at one time. You have a good attitude and you can do this !!
hugs, meg
meg
I think you have a lot of advice already, i can't add much. Just want to say that my heart goes out to you, this is difficult, no doubt about it.
Toad, i think that must be 'his' name, has really done a number on you, i just have nothing to say about that except that "what goes around comes around". Maybe he will have some change of heart and help you out a bit.
I totally believe God doesnt give us more than we can handle at one time. You have a good attitude and you can do this !!
hugs, meg
meg
Hi Chrisy,
Sorry to chime in so late. The worm will never be able to replace his past w/you. You can count on that. You on the other hand didn't choose this, so you will divide and conquer! I'm glad Mom passed her strength down to you - it shows.
I'm sorry for those things you miss, but very glad to be a part of your days here in this way.
Sending hugs to you and wishing future easier times,
Will pray the surgery works out at vet. school,
Shell
Sorry to chime in so late. The worm will never be able to replace his past w/you. You can count on that. You on the other hand didn't choose this, so you will divide and conquer! I'm glad Mom passed her strength down to you - it shows.
I'm sorry for those things you miss, but very glad to be a part of your days here in this way.
Sending hugs to you and wishing future easier times,
Will pray the surgery works out at vet. school,
Shell
Thanks for the support & advice - I truly appreciate it. I have found out that there may be an opportunity to have my dog's surgery done at WSU Veterinary School. I am going to call tomorrow to see if this is an option. I am hoping that this could save me some money.
I know that in the long run I will be better off without "The Toad"...but it isn't easy letting go of someone you loved for 12 1/2 years. I also understand that his behavior is to be expected considering the "mid life crisis" that I believe he is going through...again knowing & understanding doesn't make it any easier to accept that I just don't know who he is and that is scary...that someone could change overnight, the way that he has.
I miss my beautiful house & my yard (that I know is in bloom right now), the security that I had, basically everything that my life was. It was somewhat uneventful (with the exception of my health) and steady. I had great friends & family. Now those friends are forced to choose & that stinks because I am losing some of them too.
I am very independent, learned it from my Mom, and I know how to be on my own. I did it for 10 years before I got married at 28, I can do it again. I am just so sad at how easily he seems to have tossed away our life together.
I will continue to take it one day at a time and survive. My Mother In Law (who has told the Toad that she intends to stay friends with me), said that my best revenge is to live my best life from here on out. That's my plan. I just have to figure out how I am supposed to deal with the emotional wreckage that he has caused.
I think some counseling would be a good outlet-so I may do that. I did a fair amount of that when I was in my early twenties & like to think that I am pretty self aware - but I am in uncharted territory here & have no idea how to deal with the emotions that I feel.
One day at a time.
Thanks again everyone for your support. It means so much knowing that I can "vent" here.
Hugs to you all,
Chrisy
I know that in the long run I will be better off without "The Toad"...but it isn't easy letting go of someone you loved for 12 1/2 years. I also understand that his behavior is to be expected considering the "mid life crisis" that I believe he is going through...again knowing & understanding doesn't make it any easier to accept that I just don't know who he is and that is scary...that someone could change overnight, the way that he has.
I miss my beautiful house & my yard (that I know is in bloom right now), the security that I had, basically everything that my life was. It was somewhat uneventful (with the exception of my health) and steady. I had great friends & family. Now those friends are forced to choose & that stinks because I am losing some of them too.
I am very independent, learned it from my Mom, and I know how to be on my own. I did it for 10 years before I got married at 28, I can do it again. I am just so sad at how easily he seems to have tossed away our life together.
I will continue to take it one day at a time and survive. My Mother In Law (who has told the Toad that she intends to stay friends with me), said that my best revenge is to live my best life from here on out. That's my plan. I just have to figure out how I am supposed to deal with the emotional wreckage that he has caused.
I think some counseling would be a good outlet-so I may do that. I did a fair amount of that when I was in my early twenties & like to think that I am pretty self aware - but I am in uncharted territory here & have no idea how to deal with the emotions that I feel.
One day at a time.
Thanks again everyone for your support. It means so much knowing that I can "vent" here.
Hugs to you all,
Chrisy
I didn't believe it when my friend told me that God wouldn't give me any more than I could handle. That was the week that my parents died, Mom on Sunday night and Dad on Saturday afternoon. No, I didn't believe it at all, 28 years ago, right before I married the lady who told me that. I do believe it now. Experience.
I do still want to have a talk with the toad. It'll have to be over the phone, though. I can tell already that I won't want to get a whiff of his cologne.
You remain in my prayers, Chrisy.
I do still want to have a talk with the toad. It'll have to be over the phone, though. I can tell already that I won't want to get a whiff of his cologne.
You remain in my prayers, Chrisy.
Chrisy,
I have learned one thing from a lifetime of hardships. You have to take it one day at a time or one hour at a time.
Also the future can seem scary and overwhelming but right this minute rarely is.
Other people are going to do what they are going to do. I only have control over my own actions.
With me I would either add up all the bad stuff you mentioned and let it swallow me or do what I have learned to do and break it down to what I can deal with or have to deal with this minute.
Today I have choices not in what happens to me but what I do about it.
A bad day is when I let it get to me and I have those. I am the only one who gets hurt. A good day is when I let it go.
Citronella collars are great for barking. I worked over 20 years in veterinary work. You are not a bad person if you can't afford the surgery. There may be other options like rest or slings or other places to do the surgery which might be less expensive.
Alex
Alex
I have learned one thing from a lifetime of hardships. You have to take it one day at a time or one hour at a time.
Also the future can seem scary and overwhelming but right this minute rarely is.
Other people are going to do what they are going to do. I only have control over my own actions.
With me I would either add up all the bad stuff you mentioned and let it swallow me or do what I have learned to do and break it down to what I can deal with or have to deal with this minute.
Today I have choices not in what happens to me but what I do about it.
A bad day is when I let it get to me and I have those. I am the only one who gets hurt. A good day is when I let it go.
Citronella collars are great for barking. I worked over 20 years in veterinary work. You are not a bad person if you can't afford the surgery. There may be other options like rest or slings or other places to do the surgery which might be less expensive.
Alex
Alex
((hugs)) I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I wish I had some advice or magic words to make it all better. I do have an open ear to listen whenever you need it.
((hugs))
~Jess
((hugs))
~Jess
Dear Chrisy,
I will add two more things:
1. This is very important and should be done now before your divorce is finalized:
I believe you are entitled to half your husband's pension, because you were married for at least 10 years, but you MUST get the paperwork done and filed during the divorce process. Don't let any attorney tell you otherwise (my crooked attorney wrongly told me I was NOT entitled - but after my research I knew I was). If you don't get this done before the divorce is finalized, I don't believe you can ever get it.
Use your time now to research a QDRO. I had to personally file my QDRO papers repeatedly at the courthouse (they kept getting "lost") and then even after the judge ordered the QDRO, I had to hire 2 more attorneys to actually get my ex-husband's company to act on the court order. It was horrendous!! Don't let them stiff you - you will be glad you got the QDRO when that monthly amount starts being deposited to your bank account. I have read numerous instances of women being cheated out of half their husbands' pensions because they were misled by attorneys. Find an attorney that specializes in writing QDRO papers because some companies won't accept them if they are not completed in a certain way. I don't believe you will receive anything until your husband retires, but you will be glad you have it then. It's worth the trouble.
THIS MUST BE DONE DURING THE DIVORCE PROCESS - NOT AFTERWARD!
2. Here is something to do later, possibly long after the divorce: Because you were married for 10 years, you can take your social security retirement based on your husband's earnings record. Check that out BEFORE you talk to anyone from Social Security. It's amazing how many different phony reasons their employees can give you over the phone about why you are not entitled to do this (even though, by law you are entitled). I have just gone through this myself so I know. Going physically into the social security office and talking with someone there is the best way, and document everything, keep good records of all your contacts with Social Security, names, dates, etc. I had to fight hard to get what I'm entitled to by law. Remember, they don't want to pay you a cent more than they have to. Most people will believe what the social security workers tell them by phone and just give up - that's what SS counts on. Be informed before you talk to them! And talk to them in person!!!
Good luck!
WAF
I will add two more things:
1. This is very important and should be done now before your divorce is finalized:
I believe you are entitled to half your husband's pension, because you were married for at least 10 years, but you MUST get the paperwork done and filed during the divorce process. Don't let any attorney tell you otherwise (my crooked attorney wrongly told me I was NOT entitled - but after my research I knew I was). If you don't get this done before the divorce is finalized, I don't believe you can ever get it.
Use your time now to research a QDRO. I had to personally file my QDRO papers repeatedly at the courthouse (they kept getting "lost") and then even after the judge ordered the QDRO, I had to hire 2 more attorneys to actually get my ex-husband's company to act on the court order. It was horrendous!! Don't let them stiff you - you will be glad you got the QDRO when that monthly amount starts being deposited to your bank account. I have read numerous instances of women being cheated out of half their husbands' pensions because they were misled by attorneys. Find an attorney that specializes in writing QDRO papers because some companies won't accept them if they are not completed in a certain way. I don't believe you will receive anything until your husband retires, but you will be glad you have it then. It's worth the trouble.
THIS MUST BE DONE DURING THE DIVORCE PROCESS - NOT AFTERWARD!
2. Here is something to do later, possibly long after the divorce: Because you were married for 10 years, you can take your social security retirement based on your husband's earnings record. Check that out BEFORE you talk to anyone from Social Security. It's amazing how many different phony reasons their employees can give you over the phone about why you are not entitled to do this (even though, by law you are entitled). I have just gone through this myself so I know. Going physically into the social security office and talking with someone there is the best way, and document everything, keep good records of all your contacts with Social Security, names, dates, etc. I had to fight hard to get what I'm entitled to by law. Remember, they don't want to pay you a cent more than they have to. Most people will believe what the social security workers tell them by phone and just give up - that's what SS counts on. Be informed before you talk to them! And talk to them in person!!!
Good luck!
WAF
Chrisy,
I am so, so sorry for what you are going through! I can empathize, having been married for almost 30 years and then having to leave my husband (for my son's and my safety) 7 years ago. What a life upheaval that brings! It is tough going from being an at-home wife and mom with total leisure to being the head of household on the 40+-hours-per-week grind, responsible for everything -whereas while married I had never paid a bill.
Not sure how you stand financially. Maybe, unlike most divorcees, money is not an issue for you. If so you are very, very lucky!! If money is an issue, then if there is any way you can move in with your mother - do it!! That rent expense is going to be a heavy hit every month - if there's a way to keep your overhead costs down, I would do it. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom and so you would also derive great emotional benefit from moving in with her.
Second, though you might love your dogs, I think you should hand them over to your husband. Let him have them. To your husband's credit, it sounds like he cares about them and would gladly take over their care and their medical expenses (expenses a newly-independent ex-wife just doesn't need). You could keep your cat so you would have a furry creature to cuddle with and your apartment neighbors would not complain.
Men, as they approach a new decade - 40, 50, 60 etc. - tend to re-evaluate their current life and have a greater likelihood of going "middle-age crazy" then. To your husband's credit, he has not threatened you. Nor does it appear he has "gone out on you" bringing women into your home while you were living together as husband and wife in the home. Mine did both things. Mine also threatened to kill our pets.
So look at what you do have: A nonthreatening, somewhat caring, cad-like, possibly oversexed husband who offers to help with expenses now. Work with him. Say "yes" to his offers to help you. Keep it friendly. Try mediation rather than attorneys who will try to turn you and your husband against each other so the attorneys can make more money. Don't let the attorneys stop you two from communicating with each other.
It is usually easier to be the one leaving a marriage than the one left behind. I had that advantage since I was the one who filed for divorce. Every day now, no matter how hard things are, I'm grateful to have this new life for my son and me - a life free of abuse and danger. Now I can hang up the beautiful needlepoint with the words "Love Makes This House A Home" and know that it really belongs on a wall in our home.
Sill, you have the advantage of having a loving mother and a husband who seems to still care about you and be willing to help you through this. Yes, the ideal is getting married and staying married, but today's American culture seems to encourage your husband's type of behavior. I know my husband's company used to routinely hold moonlight dinner cruises on a private yacht just for the financial officers and their secretaries - no wives allowed - seeming to encourage the men to get involved romantically with their secretaries - which mine eventually did while he and I were living together as husband and wife!
So focus on what you do have, not what you're losing, and plan accordingly. Just keep things amicable no matter how your attorney may try to turn you against your husband. It is actually good that your husband, recognizing his need to be with other women, had the decency to ask you for a divorce. So many of our husbands, don't offer that courtesy. Instead they have unprotected sex with numerous women, as did Tiger Woods and others, and then possibly bring undiscovered sexually-transmitted diseases home to their unsuspecting wives. Many women get HIV from such unfaithful, reckless husbands. One of the largest groups of women developing AIDs is women in their 50s whose husbands are secretly going out on them. So at least give your husband that credit - he was open about this - apparently didn't sneak around.
Years down the road, your husband may deeply regret his current actions, as does my ex-husband, at a time when your life is blossoming with new joys. My ex and I are amicable and stay in touch. I actually feel very sorry for him - he is all alone - yet I still feel the fear of him in every bone.
People with MS are really way better off without the stress of either an abusive marriage or even just a "misfit" which is what your marriage may have been - not quite the right partner. You will likely benefit in the long run from having, now, the possibility of finding that partner you never knew existed - the one who is perfect for you!! Or it is possible that you will eventually come to love your life as a single so much that remarriage would be out of the question (my current state).
I will leave you with the witty one-liner I saw posted on the courthouse wall outside our judge's chambers - placed there apparently to inspire the huddled masses currently enmeshed in the emotionally and financially wrenching divorce process:
"I never believed in divorce until I got married."
Best of luck to you. You're in very hard times - but it will get better eventually! Takes time!
WAF
I am so, so sorry for what you are going through! I can empathize, having been married for almost 30 years and then having to leave my husband (for my son's and my safety) 7 years ago. What a life upheaval that brings! It is tough going from being an at-home wife and mom with total leisure to being the head of household on the 40+-hours-per-week grind, responsible for everything -whereas while married I had never paid a bill.
Not sure how you stand financially. Maybe, unlike most divorcees, money is not an issue for you. If so you are very, very lucky!! If money is an issue, then if there is any way you can move in with your mother - do it!! That rent expense is going to be a heavy hit every month - if there's a way to keep your overhead costs down, I would do it. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom and so you would also derive great emotional benefit from moving in with her.
Second, though you might love your dogs, I think you should hand them over to your husband. Let him have them. To your husband's credit, it sounds like he cares about them and would gladly take over their care and their medical expenses (expenses a newly-independent ex-wife just doesn't need). You could keep your cat so you would have a furry creature to cuddle with and your apartment neighbors would not complain.
Men, as they approach a new decade - 40, 50, 60 etc. - tend to re-evaluate their current life and have a greater likelihood of going "middle-age crazy" then. To your husband's credit, he has not threatened you. Nor does it appear he has "gone out on you" bringing women into your home while you were living together as husband and wife in the home. Mine did both things. Mine also threatened to kill our pets.
So look at what you do have: A nonthreatening, somewhat caring, cad-like, possibly oversexed husband who offers to help with expenses now. Work with him. Say "yes" to his offers to help you. Keep it friendly. Try mediation rather than attorneys who will try to turn you and your husband against each other so the attorneys can make more money. Don't let the attorneys stop you two from communicating with each other.
It is usually easier to be the one leaving a marriage than the one left behind. I had that advantage since I was the one who filed for divorce. Every day now, no matter how hard things are, I'm grateful to have this new life for my son and me - a life free of abuse and danger. Now I can hang up the beautiful needlepoint with the words "Love Makes This House A Home" and know that it really belongs on a wall in our home.
Sill, you have the advantage of having a loving mother and a husband who seems to still care about you and be willing to help you through this. Yes, the ideal is getting married and staying married, but today's American culture seems to encourage your husband's type of behavior. I know my husband's company used to routinely hold moonlight dinner cruises on a private yacht just for the financial officers and their secretaries - no wives allowed - seeming to encourage the men to get involved romantically with their secretaries - which mine eventually did while he and I were living together as husband and wife!
So focus on what you do have, not what you're losing, and plan accordingly. Just keep things amicable no matter how your attorney may try to turn you against your husband. It is actually good that your husband, recognizing his need to be with other women, had the decency to ask you for a divorce. So many of our husbands, don't offer that courtesy. Instead they have unprotected sex with numerous women, as did Tiger Woods and others, and then possibly bring undiscovered sexually-transmitted diseases home to their unsuspecting wives. Many women get HIV from such unfaithful, reckless husbands. One of the largest groups of women developing AIDs is women in their 50s whose husbands are secretly going out on them. So at least give your husband that credit - he was open about this - apparently didn't sneak around.
Years down the road, your husband may deeply regret his current actions, as does my ex-husband, at a time when your life is blossoming with new joys. My ex and I are amicable and stay in touch. I actually feel very sorry for him - he is all alone - yet I still feel the fear of him in every bone.
People with MS are really way better off without the stress of either an abusive marriage or even just a "misfit" which is what your marriage may have been - not quite the right partner. You will likely benefit in the long run from having, now, the possibility of finding that partner you never knew existed - the one who is perfect for you!! Or it is possible that you will eventually come to love your life as a single so much that remarriage would be out of the question (my current state).
I will leave you with the witty one-liner I saw posted on the courthouse wall outside our judge's chambers - placed there apparently to inspire the huddled masses currently enmeshed in the emotionally and financially wrenching divorce process:
"I never believed in divorce until I got married."
Best of luck to you. You're in very hard times - but it will get better eventually! Takes time!
WAF
I can't add any new thoughts here. Actually JJ summed it all up nicely. I know it doesn't help the day to day matters but she is correct in that this time next year all of this will be behind you. Take one day at a time, some days it may be one hour at a time. But do approach this in small bites and you WILL make it through this.
As for Norman's surgery, do you live near a veterinary school? They usually only charge for the only the supplies used... no vet fees, etc. At least the two nearest me work that way.
As for your medical bills, perhaps the financial office at the hospital and doctor's office can set up a payment plan given the circumstances.
As for the toad...he is so selfish and shallow that it will be a relief once you rid yourself of this low life. Remember, HE is the one with issues with self worth, NOT you. You have done nothing wrong...he's just a toad and will always be one. You must be a princess as you turned him into a prince once upon a time but alas he as reverted to his original state.
Come here and vent anytime. We're here for you.
Sending big hugs your way,
Ren
As for Norman's surgery, do you live near a veterinary school? They usually only charge for the only the supplies used... no vet fees, etc. At least the two nearest me work that way.
As for your medical bills, perhaps the financial office at the hospital and doctor's office can set up a payment plan given the circumstances.
As for the toad...he is so selfish and shallow that it will be a relief once you rid yourself of this low life. Remember, HE is the one with issues with self worth, NOT you. You have done nothing wrong...he's just a toad and will always be one. You must be a princess as you turned him into a prince once upon a time but alas he as reverted to his original state.
Come here and vent anytime. We're here for you.
Sending big hugs your way,
Ren
COMMUNITY LEADER
The toad is behaving predictably, he is trying to alter the outer shell to be more attractive but lets face it, that is only ever going to be skin deep, he cant alter who he really is in the very core of his being. He is a toad and there wouldn't be a GOOD women on the planet who wouldn't see through the charade, eventually. What he did to you was the most unattractive trait i can think of, if he does eventually hitch his ride to another and that women isn't disturbed by his past behavior, that other wouldnt be worth loosing sleep over, they'd deserve each other!
What your feeling i assume is betrayal, as lame as it sounds, you need to rise above this, not easy, never easy but i have total faith that YOU CAN DO IT! His actions are his to live with, YOU did nothing wrong and you must not forget that, EVER!!!!!!! He can change everything about himself and it will never alter his actions, there isn't a person he knows that hasnt already altered how they see him, his actions have tainted him in the eyes of many, this alone will affect the rest of his life. What is done can not be undone and he will pay the price, of that i am sure.
I've said it before, but i am the eternal optimist and where others see the bad i see the good, so with that in mind i'll let you see through my optimistic goggles for a while.
1. Its great timing that Norman didnt do his leg whilst you where in hospital, great you already knew what the problem was and knew to get help imediately. Great its something fixable and not terminal. Great toad is accepting his responsibility and offering finacial help.
2. Its great you know whats causing the hip pain and its not something you just have to live with, something can be done to help and restore funtion. Great this can be done close together, not prolonged for years on end. Great that this time next year it will all be over and i can get on with the rest of my life, dodgey hip free.
3. Ha ha, the toad is showing how shallow he really is, superficial changes will never erase the nature of the toad. See him for what he truely is, you know him better than anyone, all his faults all his flaws, remember them, for they are who he is, the rest is just a smoke screen but you can see the illusion for what it truely is, and laugh at the next pathetic thing he does for he is always going to be smaller than you.
4. Feel free to write all thats great about being in your own little house, for i could write an endless stream of what is great about being free!!!!!!!
Stand tall my friend, Hold your head high for i know you can and will get through this!
JJ
What your feeling i assume is betrayal, as lame as it sounds, you need to rise above this, not easy, never easy but i have total faith that YOU CAN DO IT! His actions are his to live with, YOU did nothing wrong and you must not forget that, EVER!!!!!!! He can change everything about himself and it will never alter his actions, there isn't a person he knows that hasnt already altered how they see him, his actions have tainted him in the eyes of many, this alone will affect the rest of his life. What is done can not be undone and he will pay the price, of that i am sure.
I've said it before, but i am the eternal optimist and where others see the bad i see the good, so with that in mind i'll let you see through my optimistic goggles for a while.
1. Its great timing that Norman didnt do his leg whilst you where in hospital, great you already knew what the problem was and knew to get help imediately. Great its something fixable and not terminal. Great toad is accepting his responsibility and offering finacial help.
2. Its great you know whats causing the hip pain and its not something you just have to live with, something can be done to help and restore funtion. Great this can be done close together, not prolonged for years on end. Great that this time next year it will all be over and i can get on with the rest of my life, dodgey hip free.
3. Ha ha, the toad is showing how shallow he really is, superficial changes will never erase the nature of the toad. See him for what he truely is, you know him better than anyone, all his faults all his flaws, remember them, for they are who he is, the rest is just a smoke screen but you can see the illusion for what it truely is, and laugh at the next pathetic thing he does for he is always going to be smaller than you.
4. Feel free to write all thats great about being in your own little house, for i could write an endless stream of what is great about being free!!!!!!!
Stand tall my friend, Hold your head high for i know you can and will get through this!
JJ
oh my dear. this is NO pity Party by any means Hun!
I could not even imagine what that must feel like......My heart certainly goes out to
you <3
just know that what he is doing has nothing to do w/ what you did or did not do in your marriage. So many men are so shallow and think that the grass is greener on the other side.....then...BHAM! A Reality check kicks in. It sounds as if he has went through some kind of what socoety likes to call a "mid Life Crisis"...But what I call it what it really is....."Being a selfish, arrogant, unloving, shallow, *******!"
You may not see it now my friend, but in the end...you will see that you are better off w/out him! He is a shallow piece of work....I know that does not make the pain and thought of him being w/ other woman go away. Again, I could not even imagane!
Christy you are such a strong beautiful woman..and GOD has something awesome in store for you. You may not see it now because Satan has so many blinders and distractions thrown up in your face.....But not to worry, Good things ARE coming your way my Friend!!!
Sorry to hear about 'Norman". That is a tuff one on you financially.
And as far as your hip problems go...I just don't know what to say....."This to Shall Pass". my thoughts and prayers are certainly with you as you struggle through this time in your life...
Big Hugs to you Christy <> and more <>
Please knopw that we are here for you. If you want to PM me please feel free to.
Take Care,
~Tonya
sorry, that wasn't really encouragement, just an acknowledgement of everything you are facing. Now you know that you can handle all of this, just not all at once. Bite off one piece at a time, ok?
The toad's behavior really is no surprise. He has given up a known (you) to the great unknown and has to bolster his self-image and confidence any way possible. The trainer, the social scene and other women is pretty predictable. He thinks he's so wonderful and has to prove it now to himself through his conquests.
You and I and everyone else here knows his true character- it really sounds like you are so much better off without him, especially to find this out about him now and not later.
I'm sorry to hear about your dog - my daughter's dog had a hip problem that was very pricey and it didn't require surgery. I know it is hard to disconnect from the pets and they become members of the family - I'm sorry about all this for you. Let the toad pay the whole bill ....
And your hips - wow! Maybe you and your dig can share a room? LOL
No gallbladder is a great thing - it is pretty useless in our anatomy anyway. Be glad that bad boy and the Toad are both gone.
You have every reason to have a pity party - this is all almost too much to deal with. Anytime you want to party, be sure to invite all of us.
hugs,
L
You and I and everyone else here knows his true character- it really sounds like you are so much better off without him, especially to find this out about him now and not later.
I'm sorry to hear about your dog - my daughter's dog had a hip problem that was very pricey and it didn't require surgery. I know it is hard to disconnect from the pets and they become members of the family - I'm sorry about all this for you. Let the toad pay the whole bill ....
And your hips - wow! Maybe you and your dig can share a room? LOL
No gallbladder is a great thing - it is pretty useless in our anatomy anyway. Be glad that bad boy and the Toad are both gone.
You have every reason to have a pity party - this is all almost too much to deal with. Anytime you want to party, be sure to invite all of us.
hugs,
L
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