Venting

[Deb61]

It's beautiful outside here in Texas, and I can't even enjoy it because I'm having a pity party for myself.  I just realized that I am not nearly as sharp as I once was, and people are noticing at work. This is killing me.  Nothing has been directly stated to me, but I had very good evidence that people had been going behind my back and complaining to my supervisor--so, I stepped down as department chair yesterday.  I have mixed emotions about this.  The pay is only 50 extra dollars extra a month and really not worth all of the headache involved, but yet, it signals to me what I just said, that I'm deteriorating and people are noticing.  

When I resigned from this responsibility, you could see the relief from my supervisor and the others in my department.  I felt like I was doing a pretty good job up until the last couple of months where I've been so tired, that it's hard for me to get around as much.  When I've asked others about resigning from the spot, the comments weren't "No, we can't live without you" but "You need to Debbie, for your sake."  It's been a complete dose of reality lately.  

I have lost confidence in my abilities all together.  I have even been thinking about using my disability insurance. I should let this sit for a while and think about it, but I am really embarrased and feeling sorry for myself.  Luckily, it's spring break, so I have to wait out making any decisions.  Plus, I don't even know if I could qualify for disability on the basis of deteriorating mental capabilities and fatigue.  

I hate this sh*tty a** disease!  I want to rip up something, but I don't have the strength to do it.  LOL

Deb

[Deb61]

I've reread your posts this morning, and I want to add that you guys are the most thoughtful, kind, supportive, and intelligent people.  I will be just fine.  The value of a person is not measured by how fast they are on their feet.  I may have to make some changes in my workload (or even retire in the near future), but it doesn't make me less of a person.  

Thanks again for your support!  
Deb

[Deb61]

Your kind words help more than you can imagine.  Knowing that I'm not alone really helps.  I was forced out of the house today, and I actually forgot about all of this.  Then, my husband put on this raunchy comedy (which I pleaded for him not to put on), and I actually found myself laughing.  Cake and chocolate does sound good, though . . .

Thanks a million,
Deb

  

[mistylee]

I gave up work nearly 2 years ago now due to fatigue.  Some days I still have a pity party as I am so bored and frustrated with how little I can do now and how unfulfulled I feel.

Even daily housework etc is too much for me some days and afternoon naps is a regular feature of my day.

I use to be driven to achieve my goals .....now im happy if I can just run the vacuum around with out feeling totally exhausted afterwards.  It is a bitter pill to swallow!!

I guess I am still greiving. Like Quix I think it does take a while. Although Quix has vacated the pity pot....I'm still here....I'll keep you company a while lol.

I also find for me a good cry helps to let it all go and then I feel I can carry on a while till the next time the flood gates need to be opened. (even thats exhausting...just as well, you don't want to be doing that too long lol)

Sooo my advise is ....pity party all you want.  If Jess is bringing cake, then I'll bring the chocolate :)

Mistylee  

[Quixotic1]

I certainly understand the anguish of knowing you can't do the quality of work you used to be able to do.  It hits at your very core.  I felt that way the whole last year before I left practice.  Everything took longer to ensure that I was being accurate and a lot of things went undone.  I grieved for many years.

I guess the only reason there was a place on the pity pot for you is that I finally vacated it.  You were good to yourself and to your colleagues when you stepped down.  I suspect that they appreciate your action.  And maybe not having the piddly little extra stuff to do as chair will be a relief.

But, you must and will grieve.  I hate this gusdusting disease, too.  It robbed me, and it's not fair!  So vent all you need to, but enjoy any part of what you now can do better without the other duties hanging over you.

Part of long-term survival is the ability to accept loss and move on.  It's not that I need (or want) to live to be 100 years old, but I don't want my losses to diminish me any more than they have to.  I wish the same for you.

{{{HUGS}}}

Quix

[twopack]

I certainly can relate to the grieving you are doing concerning this most recent reality check.  Would it help if you think of yourself as an elite athlete who wants to retire to coaching while everyone still admires your skills?  Or perhaps the entertainer who holds back a second encore because she knows it really is wisest to "always leave them wanting more"?

Sorry, I know you just need to SCREAM and RANT and RAGE right now.  You weren't supposed to be forced into any of this by anyone or anything.  You were supposed to be a top performer until you decided tomorrow was the day to retire from public productivity and take up personal re-creation.  Today you don't feel like you'll be doing either.  

I am so sorry you are experiencing this.  I am not insensitive.  But I have (more than once) been surprised to find that once I was forced to make a change in life direction I soon wondered what took so long and why I resisted so much.

I hope when your grieving ends you will notice that the valuable brain function that was once consumed by stress and job responsibilities is now available for your personal enjoyment.

Hope you find the satisfactions of being a good indian as you free yourself from the burdens of chief.
Mary

[lovemy6monkeys]

Deb

I'm so sorry :-( I hope that someone will have some advice for you. But, since I do not, I wanted to give you ((hugs)) and invite myself to your pity party. I will bring cake. Everything seems better with cake. ((hugs)) again.

~Jess

[essdipity]

Deb, you're certainly entitled to vent. We all mourn for what was.

I think you should take time to reflect on this well. Possibly disability is the right path, but don't be too quick with that. Possibly you'll do better with fewer responsibilities.

In any case, the biggest reason MSers leave the workforce is fatigue. When that time does come, your neuro will be able to help you with the bureaucracy.

Hang in there, girl.

ess