Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?

[Brendan478]

I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.

But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.

I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.

Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.

Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.

That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.

I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?

I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.

I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused.  but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.

I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.

So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?

[bennythejet]

Yeah i dont think i ever had any ticks even though i know i do have a social anxiety because i have to grab the back of my leg when walking through a crowd lol thats all im sorry im keeping you awake and thank you even though its still in my head i feel like i would never act on it. Always wanted to be and will be with a woman no matter what my head says

[Justaquestion91]

If you really need to ask anything. Inbox me and I'll get back to you tomorrow. Goodnight.

[Justaquestion91]

Sorry auto correct. On my iPad. I would have to turn them off. Even if I couldn't see them.

[Justaquestion91]

There would be random ticks you have had before. When i was about 14 if I knew there were lights on in my house. Even if I couldn't see the. We trying to sleep. Did have to turn them off. I was diagnosed at 17. Go to your gp. Tell your gp. Seek cognitive behavioural therapy. IT WORKS.

[bennythejet]

Just one sorry, can someone who thinks they've never had OCD before just randomly have it pop up?

[Justaquestion91]

Ben. You are grasping at straws and you need to take a breather. What I do. Is I stop. Close my Eyes. And let my mind go blank. And tell myself to think logically. I know you are looking for an answer. So I'll give you one. O. You cannot randomly turn gay or turn randomly straight. No. No. No.

I must sleep for work in the morning and its now almost 2am.

Any lat questions before I leave?