Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?

[Brendan478]

I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.

But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.

I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.

Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.

Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.

That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.

I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?

I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.

I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused.  but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.

I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.

So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?

[bennythejet]

Im 18 and I've been like this for about a month and a half i guess? I havent be able to go back to work or be alone for that matter and I'm getting anxiety from just being around my friends? that scares me a lot im scared i wont just see them as friends anymore.

[bennythejet]

I understand you probably have better things to do then talk to someone like me lol but the reason im so worried is that this whole thing has made me very distant from girlfriend and the fact that i do love her but still have this fear or whatever it is the reason im so worried

[Justaquestion91]

Ben. How old are you and how long have you been like this?

[Justaquestion91]

No. It doesn't. It's something you don't want to happen. And you are scared of it. But you can't push it to the back of your mind like most people. S the defence mechanism we have. As people with ocd is we analyse our thoughts and fears. And we try to find meaning. Sometimes there's no meaning other than we are afraid of some deep-seated thought or fear coming to light.

Ocd sufferers are their own worst critics - and their own worst enemies. We will always expect the worst. By never hope for the best. Because we don't see that.

[bennythejet]

You never saw yourself being with a women? Okay well I've seen myself being never married but with a woman i just dont like the whole divorce thing you would have to go through you know? I've had countless crushes on girls never a guy?

[bennythejet]

I know i love her. This didnt as you put it all "flower" from comments my dad said its simply because i was talking to a gay man? so none of this is logical whatso ever but it still won't leave my head so it has to mean something right?