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Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?
I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.
But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.
I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.
Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.
Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.
That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.
I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?
I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.
I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused. but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.
I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.
So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?
But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.
I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.
Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.
Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.
That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.
I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?
I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.
I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused. but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.
I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.
So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?
I dont know whats going on with me? Im just so scared i feel no attraction to anyone like i did before and thats frightening im scared that I'll never find another girl attractive or anybody for that matter? I hate my mind. I'd love for it to go back the way it is was before.
mate. Let this be the only thing you need to read.
I'm gay. And I didn't ever NOT know I was gay. At 15 I knew I liked men. Also if you think about it. Wats happening to you is like -the reason you are thinking about it constantly is because you don't want to be gay. Then you convince yourself these intrusive thoughts mean you are gay. But really it's your mind telling you to think about it more. I scare you more. Is like reverse psychology on yourself
I'm gay. And I didn't ever NOT know I was gay. At 15 I knew I liked men. Also if you think about it. Wats happening to you is like -the reason you are thinking about it constantly is because you don't want to be gay. Then you convince yourself these intrusive thoughts mean you are gay. But really it's your mind telling you to think about it more. I scare you more. Is like reverse psychology on yourself
Okay I simply can not do this anymore everything i had to look forward to is gone. I dont feel anything anymore and I foget how it feels to be truly attracted to someone because now all i get is anxiety around everyone and every time i think i see an attractive girl ill say wow shes attractive and then think im forcing it. I just cant believe everything was so good a month ago where i just got into college but of course i wondered if what i was going for was really for me? and then asked myself who am i? Could I be gay? wtf is wrong with me i want to go back to before when i knew for sure who i was and i really need someone's help and i need a reply soon. I dont think this is ocd anymore because my anxiety is gone.
My mind is telling me that now im just repressing everything? I forget how feeling attracted to someone feels now? is this normal im freaking out!
OCD should be labeled OMG for all of those Oh My God moments we have and also for Obsessive Mind Game because that is what we are doing to ourselves...we are playng one big mind game on ourselves.
This is the pattern for a thought process like you are going through:
Taken from the OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD that I always recommend but nobody seems to ever buy.
Intrusive thought --> Catastrophic appraisal of the thought --> Increased anxiety and worry --> Overcontrol strategies which include Vigilence (Could I really do it? and Covert rituals (testing) --> temporary anxiety reduction --> The cycle starts over again.
"Primarily obsessional OCD begins with an intrusive, distressing thought that the person appraises in a particularly negative way. In the person's mind, the thought is experienced as having the same reality or importance as an action. As a result, the person attempts to avoid or suppress the thought. This leads to various overcontrol strategies to reduce anxiety, including mental rituals. While these strategies may reduce discomfort, the effect is only temporary, and then the cycle begins again." .
Do you see how you have gone into the overcontrol strategy realm? You are not gay my friend. If you were, you wouldn't find being with anothe rman repulsive. If you were gay, you would know it and accept it. It is the "catastrophic appraisal of the thought" that is leading to the anxiety you are feeling. You need to get some professional help to break this cycle.
This is the pattern for a thought process like you are going through:
Taken from the OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD that I always recommend but nobody seems to ever buy.
Intrusive thought --> Catastrophic appraisal of the thought --> Increased anxiety and worry --> Overcontrol strategies which include Vigilence (Could I really do it? and Covert rituals (testing) --> temporary anxiety reduction --> The cycle starts over again.
"Primarily obsessional OCD begins with an intrusive, distressing thought that the person appraises in a particularly negative way. In the person's mind, the thought is experienced as having the same reality or importance as an action. As a result, the person attempts to avoid or suppress the thought. This leads to various overcontrol strategies to reduce anxiety, including mental rituals. While these strategies may reduce discomfort, the effect is only temporary, and then the cycle begins again." .
Do you see how you have gone into the overcontrol strategy realm? You are not gay my friend. If you were, you wouldn't find being with anothe rman repulsive. If you were gay, you would know it and accept it. It is the "catastrophic appraisal of the thought" that is leading to the anxiety you are feeling. You need to get some professional help to break this cycle.
holy **** i cant do this anymore. its getting to the point where i just want to lock my door and sleep because thats the only time im thinking this and i have to work tonight and tomorrow i cant.
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