Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?

[Brendan478]

I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.

But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.

I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.

Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.

Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.

That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.

I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?

I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.

I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused.  but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.

I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.

So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?

[Justaquestion91]

None taken.

I couldn't see myself with a man at first. But I could never see myself with a woman.

If you can see a woman as a life partner but not a man. Then be with a woman. That's the dinky dory,

[Justaquestion91]

Ben. IF you we're gay. You wouldn't be questioning us as to wether you are in denial. Your question would be. 'Why can't I accept that I am gay?' - now it seems it would be ocd as this has all flowered from one comment your dad made. You aren't worrying about being gay. You are worried about how your dad would react, you just don't realise it.

And Ben? If you love your girlfriend. And want to be with her. Then why are you even worried?

BE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. BE HAPPY AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE.

[bennythejet]

No offence intended towards you or anything but the idea of being with a man as a life partner does not in any way appeal to me which is why im having so much fear because ill never be able to be with another woman again?

[bennythejet]

Im so scared i am in denial and that my therapist will tell me i am and ill lose my girlfriend who i love so much and that doesnt make me very happy person.

[bennythejet]

And another thing that is really messing with my mind and i remember a time where i didnt worry about this at all not even in the slightest but i just shook it off my dad would drink and call me gay and stuff like that and that's really messed with me. I dont remember the old me and thats where i want to get back to but cant is this OCD or not?

[Justaquestion91]

And Ben. OCD comes to a point where you pass anxiety and reach the hopelessness stage. I've been there and it caused me to almost break up wit my boyfriend. Stop thinking that what you do with your.. thing..means you are limited to what you can do in your life. At the end of the day - the only person stopping you being happy is you. Leave your sexuality on the backburner and Focus elsewhere. Sounds difficult eh? But only you know what you are and are not attracted to. Bt right now you are clouding your own judgement with views that your sexuality means that if your gay you need to slap on fake tan and talk with a lisp? No. I'm gay and I pretty much hate that sort of gay. And I went through an in denial stage. Not saying that you are. But now? I wouldn't change a thing. And I'm sure in a few years neither would you. Gay, straight, bi, pan or asexual. Just focus on a goal. And eventually male or female you'll, find someone you want to be with and you'll cease to care what sex they are.