ocd has gone off the rocker again

[OcdJohn]

I'm in tears right now....

I seriously can't do this ocd **** any more.

I've been threw it all the STDs,Hiv,Hocd,cancer,thinking I was attracted to kids.

Its like in one day I had a reoccurring event for them all the HIV stuck all I did was shake a gay guys hand and my gf said he's cool and he has HIV. I now fear that I scrathed him and the diease got under my finger nails and with no form of air under my nails and no way to enter my body it will be stuck under there forever and I'll effect people without knowing...yeah its gotten there.

I've never seemed true professional help..i need it. Alot. What steps should I take? I usually get over it but it seems like every year at this time I relapse with something new or something old. Can it be beat?

[hahaokay]

This ocdjohn..for some reason my account was disabled? Idk but I think I'm gonna ask the doctors on here some of the risk..like find out the facts. I feel like if I know most of the facts it'll help ease the anxiety. I was gonna do it in the HIV prevention on the non pay but seems like those guys get mad easy.

[OcdJohn]

Thank you so much really. I'll make an appointment tomorrow to be seen..psychologist appointment is on Thursday and hopefully I can get into a Dr very soon. I'm starting to come the realization of my event like if he had a needle and it poked me id have felt it and it still wouldn't have been enough to infect and I don't know how my brain thinks a needle and a syringe can just stick To my clothes and me not feel it after rubbing myself down..all we had was slight shoulder contact. There's no way a needle in his pocket got stuck to me. My brain says 100 different things. I'll beat it. Im determined. Its not my first time with HIV but its my first time with this much irrational thoughts. I'll get past it

[JGF25]

You are under so much stress.  You are probably catastrophizing the relationship before it really ever gets going.  Listen, you have the therapy appointment.  Find a family doctor...get a referral from a friend.  Go in there and describe what is going on.  Just tell them that you have decided you cannot deal with it anymore.  That you have made an appointment with a therapist, tell them when it is, give him/her the name and ask if there is something he/she can give you to help you in the mean time.  You don't have to walk in and say "I want some klonopin."  I figure you are going to see a psychologist and they can't prescribe meds anyway.  Even if they give you xanax, that will help.  I just prefer klonopin because it lasts longer in your system.  Xanax works faster but doesn't last as long.  Let them be the one to give you choices and if you want you can say you researched OCD and what people take and that you think klonopin, since it does last longer, will help you the most.  I'm sure that he/she just needs to know that you are seeking other ways to get help with this problem.  

I myself take klonopin every day at night to sleep.  1 mg along with 300 mg of Wellbutrin.  This combination lets me lead a normal life.  I have been without meds before and did pretty well but when that stressor comes into your life, the one that just upends everything, well that is when things go south and without the meds...I'm a flippin basket case.  

Please trust me John...there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  You will be able to have relationships and hopefully you will end up with someone who is supportive.  This is a disorder not unlike diabetes.  They don't produce enough insulin and we don't have enough serotonin.  They go into a diabetic coma...we just start to "what-if" everything.  

[OcdJohn]

Annnnd I break it down to make myself feel better like I barley bumped into this guy and I think a needle and a syringe is stuck to my body...and I felt myself down like right there I'm sure if it was there I would have felt it on me...then I tell my self he does have HIV(mind quickly shatters that with he shared the needle) then tells me a simple poke wouldn't infect...(minds says you will sit on it in your car and it'll push it into your veins.) I know that if the needles empty it can't infect which helps cause I don't see a herion or any addict filling up and needle and just waiting to use it. But my Mind is getting the best of me. I'm starting to date this beautiful amazing girl and I don't want to hurt her.. I don't want this to ruin that

[OcdJohn]

I have no family doctor right now. I'd feel like if I went in there and got a family doctor and said I need klonopin they would think I'm trying to sell it. But I will contact one.

[JGF25]

You are doing what every person with OCD does especially when the OCD is out of control.  In this situation, I would have gotten in the car, done my breathing and said to myself "This is ridiculous, people don't get HIV this way, NOW MOVE ON!"  Oddly enough when I yell at myself and I get mad, it helps me.  

All of your irrational thoughts are normal for a person with OCD.  It is also normal to go fleeting from one thought to the next.  I know how desperate you are feeling and when that feeling comes I too cry.  You feel like you are coming unglued.  Honestly, and I'm not a doctor but just speaking from my own experience, I think you need klonopin right now.  I don't know when your therapy appointment is but I would contact your GP, explain the situation, and ask to come in ASAP.  You have to have an original script to get klonopin.  It seems to me that you really need something right now to take the edge off so that you can get some rest from this.  It is very, very hard to help ourselves when we are in this state.