Just wanted to let it out ... sorry .. but i have to let it out

[HawktheSlayer]

Well I have been here a little while and it feels good to talk to ppl that are having the same problems that I am having. Last week my pain meds where running out and my wife called for the refill, the little B at the other end said that the 180 pills that i got should cover a month. We tried to explain to here to do the math 3pills 4 times a day is 12pills a day 180 devided by 12 is 15. thats just over 2 weeks. Well they just dont teach math like they use to i guess. Anyway I ran out 3 days ago. Now I am taking Perks I was on Vic and I had a few left over ( i try and take as few pills as I can) well my wife told me to just take the Vic and she would talk to the Dr about it. Now we also called his service and asked them to page him and have him call us. Yep you guessed it, it didnt happen. But I told my wife that when I go in for my next visit they are going to test me and if they see the Vic they will prob drop me eventho I called and called. So I took nothing for the past 3 days. Well last nite, it got to be too much, I take alot of pills I even have 2 diff scripts for sleeping pills, and with the pain I was in and all of the other htings happening in my life, see the look on my kids faces when they see i am in pain kills me ever time i see it. Well I thought it would be better for me just to not be there ( I have thought about htis alot for the past 3 yrs ) and they are the reason that I keep going. But even the though of hurting them was not enough to make me get over the pain. I tried a few tricks that I know of to get my mind off the pain, you know making something else hurt worse, I think i broke my hand and will prob be questioned about the new cuts but nothing too my mind off the pain, I went into my room and took a few pills. I got a little stupid and sent my wife a text that I was sorry and she came in and saw a few pills on the floor she knew right away what happened. I thought she would be mad but she just started to cry and ask if she needed to call or take me to the ER I said no dont call anyone because Im not going anywhere. While waiting for the pills to kick in and do the job she fell to her knees and said that she did not want to be alone she wanted me to be with her. I then rolled over and purged myself a few times and told her Ok I try and be stronger. She is going to goto the Dr office today and she might get arrested if things go bad, but I finally had the strength to do what I wanted to do for yrs now. But I could not leave her knowing that she loved me so much, I know that this was wrong for me to do. I know that I should just have taken the other pills or have gone to the ER for a shot or something. I had the most wonderful dream ( this is also wrong to call wonderful but to me it was ) the dream was that I did not wake up that I had passed on and I had no pain at all. I felt like I was there with my family watching over them making sure nothing bad could ever happen to them, I know that will prob not happen but it was a wonderful dream for me. I hope that everyone out there does not judge me for this or tell me that there is something wrong with me I know this and will deal with it in my way. I just felt that i needed to get this out. I hope everyone had a merry Xmas or a happy holiday.

R/
Adam

[HawktheSlayer]

Hey I am sorry for posting to this old one but I really didnt want to type everything again. Well my Dr did raise me from 3 15mg/day to 4 and that helped a little. I just found out that another PMP was in a way fired ( he was a little to giving ) and now my PMP has all of his ppl too. I was almost in tears to find out that he was told he could not refuse a paicent ( i cant spell ) so now trying to get in to see him is almost impossable. And to top things off my work wants my Dr to sign a form saying that I and my SCS unit will not be affected by anything I work on. I am an ET and work on transmitters so RF energy is out there and Medtronics said that it could cause problems but they have never tested it to that item. So now they have their silver bullett because I know that my Dr cant sign a paper like that, and it will be the reason for them to let me go. I am just going out of my mind trying to find another job, but I am disabled and a vet  but I think that even that will not be enough for me to find another job in the field I work in, I dont have the money to try and goto school to learn something else and I really dont want to I like what I do and its what I always wanted to do, plus Im good at it. But asides all that ****, I keep feeling that with them doing this that there is no way I will be able to find another job in my field and I kinda want to make them know that they are the reason for me dying I feel everday when I'm driving to work that I should just drive into something or off something, I still make sure that I have enough pills to do the job, and everyday when im at work and no one even talks to me anymore its like im just a cripple sitting there taking their money for nothing because they wont let me do my job. I really think I need to see someone about this but if I do and get better ( in my head ) that it will hurt my chance of getting another job if they see that I had to see a shrink. I might even loose my clearence and that would make it so I could not get another job doing what I do. God this is making me nuts, If i try and get help it will hurt me, if I dont get help I will hurt myself, I think its just time to make it all go away. I just need to find away to let my family know it was not their fault and that I love them. And do all of that in away that no one but my family will know about so they can get my insurance money, so they will be ok. There are just some many feelings and thoughts going through my head that it hurts, every song I hear makes me think of doing something, every time I walk past someone and they dont even say HI, makes me feel use less. I am sorry for just dumping all of this out there, I do hope that eveyone out there is able to live the best way that they can, and find something that can take away the pain. I know the only way my pain will go away and I really think that its the way i am going to go. Please dont think I have not thought this through I have for a long time now and everyday it just gets worse, nothing gets better, my pain is rising and both of my Dr's are full and I cant see them till Feb. I cant wait that long, the dam ER's dont really care they just see me as someone that wants a fix, Again I am sorry for putting all of this out there but this is my only outlet, I do want everyone out there to find something more that what i have found and to have the best life that they can have. I will prob not be posting anymore, I know some ppl will feel angry at me and i can understand that and am sorry, I will try and find another Dr to see if they can help me with these thoughts but I really dont think that will happen, Im just not that lucky.

R/
Adam

[Tuckamore]

Hey Jerry sounds like you have a compassionate and understanding PCP. I do too and they make all the difference.

And Adam I am so sorry that ER's treatment took so long and was so little. Every ER that I know of has the "list" that the ER physician was referring. The ER department that I worked in had such a list they are shared with near-by hospitals also. The list consist of all the patients they deem to be drug seekers, regardless if they are CP sufferers or not. We did have several CP patients that would come in every 8-12 weeks in a flare and we gave them IV pain meds for a few hours to break the pain cycle and help them through that flare. They were NOT on the list.

I totally agree with Jerry. He has a good idea. I would return to my PCP and tell him/her all the things you have told us. Unfortunately some docs forget we are human and not just "the chronic back pain in room 102."

I know this is difficult, it took me years to find a good PCP. But please keep fighting for the pain control you deserve. You have to be your own advocate, be assertive and don't give up. Again please keep us posted. We are here for you.

Peace, Tuck

[tanglewood]

Hey Adam,

    Hang in there! I know how you feel, but it will get better for you. Maybe your pcp is the best place to go? I know when I'm frustrated with the system and the pmp I go back to my family doctor and he helps me - last time he called my pmp and told him he was not going to refer his patients there unless the pmp took care of them! Maybe your pcp would be willing to call your pmp? Good luck and keep hanging in!

Jerry

[HawktheSlayer]

Well today at work my pain started to rise and I got out of there by the time I got home I told my wife to take me to the ER .. I now wish I had not. I spent 5 1/2 hrs in the waiting room and my pain was at 9-10 some times spiking high enough to make me cry. I finally went into the ER room and the Dr looked at my record and said well you have never been here before , my wifethen stated that my last surgery was there, He said Oh no not that list but a list of cronic pain suffers tht come to the ER for pain meds. Then i though **** this was the reason I never wanted to goto the ER He said it was a good thing I was not on the list and gave me a shot. Well let me tell you by the time they processed me out my pain was still there I could feel all of it again but for about 2hrs my brain just didnt care as much. But it still pisses me off that was all that they did forme 7 hrs there and I get about 45min of no pain.Now I have to either get my PMP to act talk to me so we can get my meds working for me again or I just need to fire him and ask my other Dr for another PMP ref. and see what through all the same stuff with the new guy unless he looks at what i was taking and just goes from there.But just wanted to send out an update. Again thanks to every one for their support. I is really keeping me going and I thank you all for that.

R/
Adam

[Tuckamore]

Hawk,

A agree with Sandee. You should actually be better off with the 15mg of oxy. And a good antidepressant will enhance the effectiveness of the pain medication in addition to helping your mood.

As don't forget about the pain therapist. Managing complex chronic pain involves more than just pain medication. Hang in there, I know you'll get through this. Were here for you as you can see by all the encouraging responses to your post.

Take care and keep in touch. Tuck

[tanglewood]

Sandee1818 has a good point abouth the tylenol; your liver will be better off without it. An anti-depressant might help. I tried Cymbalta once and it helped a lot, but I couldn't tolerate the side effects. I hope you find something that helps w/o side effects. I have heard about a new anti-depressant called "Milnaciprin" that is supposed to be good and have less sides. I asked my PMP about it but he was not familiar with it, yet. Maybe your doc will know more about it. Good luck.

Jerry

[sandee1818]

Actually the oxycodone 15 mg should be a bit stronger than the 3 pills of 5/325. Also your much better off without all that tylenol.
I am certainly glad to hear your doing better, at least you did get your medications. But don't stop there try and see if your doctor can refer you to a pain psychologist. He/she will be able to help with the depression issues as well as work with your doctor on pain control.

[HawktheSlayer]

Thanks for the support. I know that I have to try and come just push through. My wife has asked me to talk to my Dr about anti-depresants to see if they might help me with this item, one of many .... lol... but thats life I guess. Again thanks for the support. I have found that this Forum has really helped me knowing that others have the same type of pain and problems and we can talk about them and just mabey help someone even if we have not gotten the help we need ourselves.

R/
Adam

[tanglewood]

I finally got back to the computer and was scanning the other posts and saw this - WOW! Nobody should have to endure what you are going through. Hang it there - find another PMP - do what you have to do - but hang in. I know the thoughts, I've  had them, too. Try to focus on your family instead of the situation. I know it's hard and I'm someone to talk because I've been there so many times. My wife finally went to my doctor and said, "he's suicidal" to get the response and help I needed. It scared me because I thought they would put me in a psych ward and I would lose my job, but they didn't. They listened. They finally listened! Hang in there - get the help you need!! I will keep you in my prayers. :)

Jerry

[HawktheSlayer]

Mis typed my script info it was 5-325 perk 3 pills 4 times a day. New one is 15mg oxycodone 3 times a day.

[HawktheSlayer]

Thanks for your help and understanding in thie matter. My PMP and his great staff finally gave me a new script, when my wife told me that it was a brand new script I almost cried thinking that soon mabey I would have the pain relefie I needed. Well check out the brain power here I was taking 3-325 perk 3pills 4 times a day Thats a total of 12 pills and 60mg of oxycodone well they put me on 15mg oxycodone 1pill 3 times a day and thats a total of 45mg of oxycodone. I had to explaine it to my wife when I told her that it was not really going to help me, she felt so bad that she did not see what they did, but I told her that it was not her fault because she does not take the pills. Today she is going to call back to the PMP and ask why they atc lowered my meds. I might have to find a new PMP if they keep doing this to me. With the SCS unit and my current meds I only go from a 10+ to about a 8 and I am still trying to work every day to support my family. I have a very high pain tolerance my first back specialist was almost dumbfounded when he say my MRI and asked me from 1 to 10 and I answered 7 or 8 he said most ppl with less would not ba able to walk so its hard for me to answer the 1 to 10 question all that well. But again thanks to all of you for your help and understanding with my little mini break down.

R/
Adam

[Tuckamore]

Hi Adam,

Just wondering how you are doing? I hope you were able to speak to your PMP or his nursing staff. Again don't hesitate to go to ER if you need pain relief.

Take Care, Tuck

[sandee1818]

First of all let me say dead is dead. Trying to make it seem right in your own mind is what your doing. By telling yourself you will be there to look after your family you are making it okay for you to take your life. Let me tell you it is NOT okay and you need to see a pain psychologist. Please. I do understand where your coming from but this is not the answer.
Pain is unbearable at times and we have trials and tribulations to go thru as chronic pain Pt's. but to take your life is letting the pain control you and you need to find a doctor who will help you control the pain! We have all been there , at the point where we start to think we would be better off but this is wrong and to let these thoughts start to take over is a mistake. A pain psychologist can and will help you with these feelings and will work with your doctor to turn things around where you are in control of the pain.
Your family obviously means alot to you so think of them and how this effects them and I would even suggest having them talk the the pain psychologist also.
Pain can take over ones life and it is very easy for this to happen so we have to be very careful and support is very important. We are all here for you and will help in any way we can but I really think you should get an appointment with the pain psychologist as soon as possible. Also get yourself a new PM doctor.
If there is anything I can do to help please let me know!

[Tuckamore]

My Dear Adam,

I wish I could reach through this darn machine and hug you. I KNOW what you are talking about. And anyone that has severe CP can relate. I have felt the same way and have been so close myself but here's the rub. It's not the way out of this pain. There is always tomorrow...and yes tomorrow may be filled with pain too but you can't give up hope. You are loved and important, as you learned the other night to so many ppl. I am not judging you for what you almost did.

I have not told this to many ppl but know I am telling the world, in hopes it will help you. My grandfather committed suicide when I was four. I remember it like it was yesterday ....and I am far from four. His children and wife suffered and suffer still very most every day of their lives.  My grandmother, a nurse (my hero and the finest person I ever knew) was riddle with guilt until her death. She wondered how she missed the signs and what if, always what if.  Don't do that to your family. It's not just your loss the must endure, it's the forever after guilt that some how it was their fault.

Please see a pain psychologist. You need to work through this with a professional that can relate. If you cannot find one in your area, please see a trauma psychologist. They can and do help. And it is not a sign of weakness to seek professional help. It is a sign of strength. You must also discuss this with you PMP. He must know and he must know that the pharmacy cannot count. Continue to call your PMP, twice a day if need be until he returns your call. The message you leave with his nurse should be urgent.

Please keep talking to us. You may PM me anytime you like. I am up most nights and check my messages until I fall asleep. I am sure anyone of us will listen. Never, never do this again. Give us the opportunity to help you through these crisis. We cannot know your internal pain if you do not share it with us. There are also suicide hot lines and lots of support groups available. Make it a point to locate those numbers now and use them.

Blessings and (((HUGS))) to you my friend in pain. I will be here for you when ever you need to talk. And it sounds like you have a wonderful, caring wife that is there for you too. If need be lean on her till you can get through this. That's what soul-mates are for.
Hang in there it will get better. Take good care, Tuck  

[jollyman069]

I know it's hard to think straight when your in so much pain for such a long time. I have 3 kids nd 3 grandkids, with real bad back nd leg pain which i have suffered with the last 14 yrs or so, keep me going, i havce a good pain dr and the nurses in his office are great too.. but when you are in that much pain and cant get ahold of the dr go to your local Er. and they will most likely give you a shot and releive the pain if it is bad enoufgh maybe even keep you long enough untill it is under control. I knoe ppl look at us chronic pain sufferes sometimes as drug seekers but we know if we didnt have to take another narcoric the rest of our lives we would be the happiest ppl in the world..so get yourself to the Er because sounds to me you have so much to live for ..you are a very lucky man in that respect...good luck let me know how you are doing and remember ppl here at Mh care about you too