When I worked full-time and was taking care of four kids without any help from the ex and was also seeing my parents every day when my mom was dying, I seemed to be way more organized. We had REAL meals every night, the house was reasonably clean (laundry was a bit of a problem). I drove the kids to their friends and sports. Hit the gym most mornings around 4:15 a.m. I worked on my transcripts from court, chatted with my neighbors, and even though things were busy, it was good.
You would think with not working I would be super organized. But I'm not. I don't know if it's that I figure, "Oh, well, I'll get to that later," or what it is. My laundry is never caught up. I really only cook a great meal twice a week. Other than that I order take-out, make grilled cheese, pancakes, something simple.
My kids are older now and way more self-sufficient. My dad doesn't require much from me. A few rides here and there and his laundry. But I am not the same organized, fast-moving woman I used to be. I don't know if it's the pain, depression or what.
I so want my house to be perfectly clean and nice meals every night. I have no idea why I can't get out of my own way. I waste so much time playing on the computer, watching sitcoms and documentaries. I'm exhausted from not sleeping enough ... I fall asleep for a couple of hours and then I'm up on and off most of the night.
Every night I tell myself tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow is the day I'm going to do it all. And on occasion, I make a pretty good dent. But after a few days of it, the pain will flare up to the point that for the next four days I do absolutely nothing.
My mom was a chronic pain patient without any of the options I had. I remember telling her she needed to pace herself, set a schedule. She would do what I'd do ... overdo it, get overwhelmed and in pain and exhausted and wind up in bed for days. She would tell me how useless she felt. And I'd empathize with her and we'd talk about how she would feel better if she set a schedule, like get up a 8:00, eat, read the paper, do a load of laundry and then go rest. And we'd talk about her taking her meds on time (she didn't want to be an addict at 80,) and using more than one thing to get relief. But she was never able to manage to do it. It was such a cycle and I could tell at the end she was depressed and apathetic.
And I find myself in the same boat. Thing is, she had chronic pain for 40 years and it was really only in the last 5 or 10 that she was the way I am now ... and the worst of my pain has only been going on 6 years. (I had fibromyalgia diagnosed 10 or 11 years ago, but I had that under good control.)
I guess this is just a rant or a vent. I know what I NEED to do but I just can't seem to DO it. Does anyone else feel like this? Sometimes I think I have just too much time on my hands and too much time to think.