May I ask how you know she doesn't wipe , maybe if it was left alone she would do so .I think there is too much focus on punishment here, maybe focus on her positive side and praise her when she does something right, get her step dad to do the same ..Children do respond to kindness , maybe have some fun, by the way they all pout about this age I doubt she needs a psychiatrist for what you have described ....
I'm interested in your comment that your husband doesn't think she needs therapy, he is hardcore when it comes to punishing.
Is he too harsh on her, so that she's become defiant and angry? I'm really concerned that he's got that disapproving stepdad thing going on and is being too harsh on her, and she's now shutting down.