OT but What would you do?

[Jame0223]

I've been with Steven (my boyfriend) for almost two and a half years. Our relationship started in Junior year of high school. Our relationship used to be very rocky...we would break up about every three months over stupid **** then get back together. The last time we broke up was back in June of last year though. We got back together in August and boom...I fell pregnant. I miscarried in Sept and me and him were both devastated. Well ever since then we never broke up (knock on wood) Weve argued a few times but the glue was still keeping us together so to speak. Now he has a problem...hes a promise breaker. Hes one of those guys that cant keep a promise worth ****. We will make a deal and he just...doesnt honor it. Within two weeks he will break it somehow. He lives with me now (ever since the baby), which may be a reason why we can keep us together. The thing is we dont "do" much..we dont really go out and our time together is pretty much at home, watching movies, playing video games. I got him an Xbox for christmas, which Im really regretting. Hes on it 24/7 pretty much. He does a few things here and there that really upset or **** me off and he basically has the attitude of "shell get over it"

Heres the thing though, he has a best friend that lives two streets away. Jordan is undescribable.. He and steven have been friends for the same amount of time that Ive known Jordan...I met steven in friggin 6th grade. They are BEST FRIENDS...but Jordans very jealous and controlling. Steven goes over there a couple times a week and if he doesnt Jordan freaks out. If I'm having a problem and Steven stays home with me, Jordan flips out on me. Its like Im in a relationship with both of them. I remember a few weeks ago I wanted steven to stay home with me really bad because I was upset about something. So Steven called Jordan to tell him he wasnt spending the night and I didnt even know this yet..I was in another room crying. Next thing I know my phone and it was Jordan. I answered and he started SCREAMING AT ME about how he needs his best friend right now, how Im such a stupid b*tch. I ended up running to the room steven was in crying while his friend is yelling at me. He took the phone and started yelling at him for yelling at me. Drama I know. But anyways...The real point. A couple weeks ago I sat down with Steven. I told him that everytime he does stuff that he assumes I get over...I may get over it for the time being but it all pretty much adds up into a huge pile and some day its going to topple over and Im just going to start to lose feelings for him. I told him this...so he asks if Im going to break up with him. I said well if you dont do something about it soon yes..I dont wanna be unhappy for the rest of my life! So he said hes going to work on it.

He got a new schedule at work so we rearranged when he would stay home and when he would go to Jordans. He works a 14 hour shift thurs-sat. So he only works three days. He decided that he would stay the night at Jordans on Friday night and since he and Jordan both have Tuesdays off then they would spend all day together while I was working. That was our deal. I was happy with it, he was happy with it. Suddenly, Steven realizes that he doesnt like going there on Fridays when he gets off at 9 and has to get back to work at 8 the next morning. So he comes to me and tells me that hes not going on Fridays and instead hes just going all day and spending the night on Tuesdays...So you know I dont like that he didnt tell me about it but whatever thats okay...So last night...was clearly monday night. We went to dinner with my parents..and then they went shopping while we headed home. We get home and he immediately gets on the xbox to play. This frustrates me a bit but I just let it go. Then his phone rings. All I hear is "Okay Ill be there in a few minutes". I was like, what are you doing? "Im going to Jordans and staying the night" Its not Tuesday? "I know.." Then why are you going tonight!? Youre just going to take my night again? "No.." Well thats what youre doing! So I got upset with him, telling him that he cant keep a promise to me... I kept asking him why he keeps telling me hell do this but then does the opposite?! He just starred at the ceiling, tapping his foot until I started crying and just left the room. He just left...I know he's tired of me crying about the same stuff..but I wouldnt if he would just do what he says hes going to. I Know that he would rather upset me then Jordan too. Because Jordan is really mean when he doesnt get his own way. I was really upset last night and honestly I dont feel any better today.

I talked to my parents about it last night. They both agreed that hes too old to just be going to stay the night at his friends. Hes almost 20 for **** sake. Hes in a commited relationship with me and he doesn't take it seriously. He isnt threatened by my words. I know he was thinking Id just get over last night..but its just bugging me so much. I do not want to break up...but what the hell can I do to make him take me seriously?! He can't keep on doing this to me...Hes just too immature and doesnt realize what hes doing to me...My mom said that maybe I should just kick his *** out..but I really love him...I wanna be with him for the rest of my life..but I just dont know what to do. What would you do? How can I tell him I'm not a pushover, and I'm serious? How can I tell him to grow up without actually telling him to grow up? I'm tired of him breaking my heart over stupid things.

[gokuangel]

I know the video game thing can seem very very annoying at times my hubby plays games too but he also helps me alot too even if takes me and his mom nagging him to get up lol but seriously after what i went through w/my first husband wanting to go out all night to do drugs and drink and party and be w/every1 but me its so nice to have a man who really loves me and stays at home w/me all the time even if he does play his video games!!

[Jame0223]

I agree...men just dont like to grow up! lol You dont know how many times I wanted to throw the Xbox away. But that would be me tossing out 500$ lol...so no thanks. Maybe ill just hide it or something. Get a new door knob with a lock on it for the room we play in and lock the door when I dont want him to play for alil bit haha. I know like when were going out to dinner we have to sit and wait until his game is OVER which I think is ridiculous. He can be very very sweet, then he can be ignorant, then he can be selfish, then he can be sweet again. GUYS ARE SO WEIRD

[beautifullychaotic]

I know how that video game **** is! I hate it...haha my daughters dad was like that. So every time I would get soo annoyed..I would just take a cup fill it up with water and dump it on him! haha The one time I kept askin him to help me..he was too busssssy....and he had a glass of Kool aid next to him..so I took it and dumped it on him...threw his *** out!  Good luck girl..some guys (most) have alot of growing up to do!  

[Jame0223]

Hes told me that before too. He hates letting people down. He fears that the most out of everything. Disappointing someone. He hates telling us no..and I know thats a problem for him. I remember one day I was laying in bed with him and we were having a talk and he burst into tears and told me that hes so tired of trying to please everyone. Hes got me in one ear and Jordan in the other and so uses his Xbox to escape a lot of the time. Its his "alone time" I understand that I nag him alot but he needs to understand my POV as well. I know...He used to reject sex and play xbox instead. I really thought something was wrong with him then! I was just like..wow VG or sex!?! What the heck is this?! but now he doesnt ever reject it lol

[wannabamommy]

Wow hun I hope things work out for you. Sometimes men just need a wake up call to see where their priorities lie and how they are not meeting them...even if they think they are. It really helps to get an outsider's point of view. Like they always say "love is blind". Trust me it really is. I totally agree with the other girls. It's weird for a 20yr old man....not little boy but man who wants to get married and be a daddy someday soon to have sleepovers at his friends house all the time. Hello if he lives so close come home and crawl into bed with his GF who he cares so much about. That is what commitment and respect is all about. Knowing when to have guy time but when to come home to your wife/gf. I would never let my DH do that even if we weren't married unless they were all having a guys night and he was drinking and lived too far away to have someone drive him home or cab home or even have me pick him up. Sounds like he has some growing up to do. Hopefully this is a wake up call and he straightens up and realizes what he has in front of him is something special that can't be replaced, and should be treated as such. Saying you love someone and then showing it are two different things. I believe he loves you but he needs to work on showing it in order for you guys to have a more solid relationship.

[rachie204]

aww...well he seems to be very kind and i'm glad he took the talk well.  I wanted to mention that my brother makes plans with like 8 people at once and then ends up telling down 7 of them when he finally picks the person he's going to hang out with that night....sounds like a Jerk but really he's a very sweet guy, he just wants to please EVERYONE so he doesn't tell them no and b/c of that creates a huge mess.  Maybe it's the same situation with your bf.

[Jame0223]

Oh and he also asked me to tell you ladies that he's sorry. lol He knows he sounds like a complete *******. He told me the only reason why he stays over at jordans house instead of coming home at midnight is because he doesnt want to wake my parents up, which he would because I have 6 dogs that bark anytime the door opens. He wanted me to tell you that and tell you that hes going to work on being a better man for me. I thought that was cute hah

[Jame0223]

Well I had a talk with him last night when he got home. I just simply pulled this page up on my laptop and read some of them. Even the reply from the maternal and child form where a girl asked if Ive ever seen Brokeback Mountain. I approached him about it very sweetly...no arguing really, just telling him how I felt. I think reading these replies Ive gotten kind of made him realize that he is indeed wrong. He knows he broke his promise but he doesnt know how to really fix it. He said " I don't mean to do it, but I just don't really know how to keep them" I told him that its kind of like when your dad says hell take you fishing but never does. His reply "My dad did that all the time" So I think thats where he learned it from. I just simply asked him if thats the way he really wants to be. I told him its not that hard to keep a promise. I also brought up the point that its just weird that he stays the night at Jordans house...and once again these replies proved it as well...I asked him if he realized that hes going to be 20 in a few months...then it kind of hit him. He told me he wont spend the night there anymore..but who knows if he'll honor that either. I told him that so many people were telling me to kick him out and it kinda hit home for him. He just looked at me and smiled that kinda oh sh*t smile. I told him about how I try n play Xbox with him and he gets mad at me. He told me he was sorry, he doesnt mean to, the game just hypes him up. I brought up Joys point that I'm unable to change him but somethings he just cant really do to me. And when he left monday while I was crying he thought it would be better for him to leave and give me time to cool off. He says he still hates it when I cry and he never means to make me cry, he just doesnt really know how to handle it. And so and so forth...I got some good feedback this time. Instead of him staring at the wall, he stared at me. We talked and smiled instead of yelled and argued. Now I'm looking forward to him picking me up for lunch at noon. :) Thanks for all your ladies help. Literally. Y'all can really give some good advice

[gokuangel]

thats exactly how my X was he got away w/it because he knew he could thats why i got tired of it i loved him so much that i supported his habit and him by letting him do whatever he wanted while i busted my a** working and paying bills. Take a look at his family his brothers or brother in laws (in my case) if they do the exact same things to their wives staying out or running around all the time then you're in big trouble. my X him and brother in laws ran around all the time stayed out all night and his sisters never did a da** thing to stop thing it was like a normal thing for your hubby to take 8hrs to got to 7-11 it was crazy and from this i learned no matter how long i toughed it out it was not going to change his sisters had been doing it for 10yrs!!

[Jame0223]

Thank you. I agree. Thankfully he hasnt cheated on me. I know he does love me very much, I dont doubt it..but I feel like I love him more then he loves me...He just loves me but thinks he can get away with so much... I just think he needs to raise his maturity level a bit. But as my mom said, that may take a very long time and its my choice on whether or not I wanna wait until it happens or kick him to the curb.

[gokuangel]

im in the same boat as rachie i was involved (married i should say) w/a man too who was the same no respect at all he wanted me at home never go anywhere never do nothing but if he stayed out all night that was ok cus he was the man. i did everything he wanted including going bk to school to prove i was serious bout marriage and about doing something good to have kids and you know what happened i divorced his stupid a**. he kept staying out more and more and longer and longer at a time i would come home at 1030pm and when i would leave for work at noon the next day he still wouldnt have shown his face!!! i got fed up and left and just like rachie i met a wonderful man and married him and he does everything for me and hes always at home w/me!! you do need to think about what you want in a husband and in the future cus if he dont stay at home w/you now you can forget about when your married that wont change at all. I'm agree w/joy too we have internet as well and thats how my hubby plays w/his brother. Have you see the Scott Baio show? well u know his relationship w/Jonny V well thats exactly how this Jordan guy sounds clinging to your BF for support cant live his own life w/out help and then leaving im lonely messages when your not around.

[durhamjk1]

I know that no one can tell you what to do, just offer advice, but let me tell you about a similar situation that I was in.

When I was a junior in high school I started dating this guy, and at the time I really thought we were in love.  We had so much fun together, doing stuff, he was probably MY best friend.  He, however, felt differently.  He would want to hang out with his friends and do things with them, and I wasn't controlling, so of course I had no objections to his "guy time".  Then one day out of the blue he broke up with me.  He said that he wanted time to hang out with his friends and have fun.  We got back together, whenever he saw that I was not going to sit around and wait for him.  

This scenario happened several times.  We were on again and off again.  I truly loved him (or so I thought at the time) so I always forgave him and we would get back together.  Then he started staying the night at his friends house, who just happens to be the brother of his ex (which he always talked about and he cheated on me once with).  I told him it was over.   It was really hard at first because he kept begging me to go back to him.  We were together for almost 3 years I almost gave in on more than one occasion, but I held strong and kept saying NO!

Now I am married to a wonderful man.   This is the catch though - Jason (my DH) loves me as MUCH as I love him.  That makes all the difference in the world.  I truly thought my highschool BF loved me, but looking back, I think the relationship was all one-sided.  

It feels great to be on a 2-sided relationship and to love and be loved!  

This may or may not apply to your situation.  Just read into it what you want.

[JoyRenee]

Oh man... maybe it'll take a man to get through to him. I know that sometimes it takes someone else (usually male) to get through to my DH on some issues. He can always talk to my DH on XBOX LIVE if he ever wants to. "Judge 423" is my hubby's username.

This is purely my opinion, but maybe this should be his one last chance? I mean you guys have had this on-again, off-again relationship. I'd hate for you to stay with him and he end up leaving you 10 years down the road, with or without kids.

[Jame0223]

Ive got an idea. I think I'm going to print out all of your responses and read them to him! Maybe not only my views, but 10 will get through to him.

I remember one time I was arguing with Jordan about relationships. I told him that relationships arent just fun, theyre work too. And hes like NO THEYRE NOT, THEYRE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WORK. I told him maybe thats why his relationships are failures and that he needed to back off and stop creating this relationship with MY BOYFRIEND. Im so tired of getting made fun of..so many people are like I think your boyfriend is gay..i think he goes over there because theyre doing stuff behind your back or something. Ive talked to steven about it and he just feels bad because its not true or anything. THEN WHY DONT YOU STOP DOING STUFF THAT MAKES PEOPLE GET THESE IDEAS...I think some of you are right..he just doesnt give a hoot...

[rachie204]

well i do understand that you love him, but if i were you i would just put it out there.  If he TRULY loves you he will want you to be happy and if he wants you happy he will change this, and i would tell him that...you are not being unreasonable and you are not asking for too much.

[Jame0223]

WE HAVE XBOX LIVE. which makes me wonder even more!? HE goes over there..all they do is play games...then hell come home and get on the xbox and play with him more! I dont get it. My dads like hes just f'in weird...he doesnt need to stay the night over there. I dont want to give him an ultimatum. God..I know Im happy with him more then unhappy with him...but everytime Im unhappy its pretty much the same reason as the time before! I love him, I really do. I wanna be with him...but only him!

[Jame0223]

A few days ago he was telling me that it wasnt nice that I didnt like the watch he got me for my birthday! He spent 186 dollars on a watch and gave it to me...and I thought it was kind of ugly! What am I supposed to do? Its not my fault he picked out an ugly watch? Am I supposed to love it just because its expensive? And the thing that really bugs me is that whenever he has a problem Im right there trying to help him out..if its money...or when he was failing and wasnt going to graduate I got him to. But when I have a problem...it seems like he thinks he cant help me so he doesnt even try..I know I need to talk to him..but I just dont know what to say without making it sound like everytime Ive ever talked to him about this...Is there anything I can say to make it stick?

monizie- youre right...it is the love. I love him more then anything. Hes not my first love either, and Im not his. Im his longest relationship and hes my second long one...almost caught up to the other one. I wanna be with him forever but I just dont think my feelings will last if he keeps doing this..

[JoyRenee]

The first paragraph sounded like marriage to me! LOL! But the other part of your message is really sad. Women have this thing in them that wants to CHANGE people to become better people. You cannot ever ever ever change your bf. He is who he is and HE is the only one who can change him.

So if you're unhappy now, imagine being with him 5, 10, 20 years down the road, maybe loaded down with a few kids. And your honey doesn't need to spend the night at his friend's house. That's just... weird. He can hang out late (like midnight) but then he needs to go home. I understand that he needs "guy time" but that's a little much. Can't they get XBOX Live? That's what my DH and his bro have and they hang out every other night on that.

Anyway, there's a few possibilities: kick BF out, leave, both of you move further from Jordan guy (who sounds like he has psychological issues), talk with BF and make an understanding.

[rachie204]

sorry that went twice

[Jame0223]

I wish Jordan would just fall off the the face of the earth!

[Monizie]

HUNNI,
LET ME CORRECT YOU IN YOUR FIRST PARAGRAPH ITS NOT GLUE KEEPING YOU GUYS TOGETHER!! ITS THE LOVE! THE LOVE HELPS YOU MAKE IT THROUGH THE BAD DAYS

[rachie204]

There are two ture component to a helthy relationship trust and resect...bacically what i am reading is that he doesn't respect you.  And you sure can't trust him b/c he never keeps his word.  I was very inlove with a guy who was much the same.  He also had a bestfriend who had a bad temper and who he was always with.  I finally kicked him to the curb and i am now married to a wonerful man of true character who i can tust completly and who truly respects me and always askes me if i mind if he does something before he does it...(which is very rare anyways)  I think you should think about what you want in your future as far as a husband and family and decided if he is going to be able to give you what you want and deserve...talk it over with him and if he doesn't step it up i personally would move on...i think you can do better.

[Jame0223]

Thats the thing Im afraid of...if I keep just letting him get away with it..then what? Ill be unhappy while he goes on his merry way. Steven doesnt go out thankfully...he doesnt even make contact with girls. I have seen his phonebook..maybe 20 numbers at most...all the calls on his recent list are me or jordan or his dad. I know hes not fooling around on me. I dont think he has a commitment issue..he wants to get married and have kids n stuff..just not right this minute..were young still so he wants to wait a little while. I just dont know what to do with him.

[chitten]

My ex was exactly the same - we loved each other but he was way too scared of his committment and would rather spend nights after clubbing staying at his friends than looking to settle down, he was just too immatture.
We parted in March of last year but kept seein each other - (all the while he was sleeping around and even went so far as to sleep with my best mate) - it seemes no matter what happened we always ended back in each others arms but he was never willing to commit.

Now im 15 weeks pregnant with his child and i know i deserve better and wouldnt take him back hes hurt me too much.

I just hope he proves to be a better father than he was boyfriend for our babys sake.

If he doesnt change - lose him - you'l be kicking yourself in years to come if you settle for someone who doesnt truly make you happy