sorting my feelings out

[jne1233]

I just want to make sure I am not getting my feelings for him in the way. While away at school the father of my child did all this talking abt getting a job so that he can get a car to come back home in October when the baby is due. He will have no way to get back unless he gets a car. Well he came home and decided to smoke weed and drink all day and night. Now I have no problem with the occasional smoke or drink but at least have a job. I feel that he's not focused like he should be on preparing for this baby I believe it is total ******** to say the man doesn't grow up until the baby is here. I've spent so far 5 months getting ready and he gets to mature in a day. I refusing to have him around my child if he chooses to only smoke and drink with out even tryin to get ready. I dnt want any money from him I just want him to be the father he talked abt. Now as far as my feelings I am extremely hurt, I feel lied to for no reason we are not together but I was positive we had a better relationship then this. I would like for visitation with our child to be supervised until I feel comfortable with his behavior. I've had to grow up I just want him to. I was a occasional smoker and drinker as well but all that changed when I found out I was pregnant. How do u all think I should feel for myself and for our child, like what should I do? I dnt want to seem irrational, also how do a speak with my doctors abt depression.  

[babymama1985]

Didnt finish my thought. I wouldnt push it with him. Let him know u want him to.be involved and let him know when.the baby is born but u cant make him be involved. That has to be his choice. U cant do.it for him. Trust me I knkw.how hard it is to accept. But if u push too much u will only push him away. Trust me on this. Give him time. Leave him.be. Just let him know that you are there and he can come to.the appts but let him make.the move. Thats all u can do....wait and see. Its tough....like.waiting on snow in florida lol.not quite that bad. But if u ever wanna tlk im here. I really do get what u r going thru.

[babymama1985]

Im going thru a situation.a tad like yours. Im single and pregnant. The father is off doing his own thing with his new gf that he cheated on me with.and then lied for 2 months that he was still seeing her. Hunny you can.feel however u want to. Unfortunately no one can tell u how to feel. But when it comes to visitation and the bet interests you sometimes have to put your feelings aside. I was promised lots of things by the father...he would never abandon me and the baby lie number 1, he wanted the baby and me to live with him so he could take.care of us lie number 2, oh and we would be priority number one...also another lie. Hes his own number one and his new gf of course. But like me you have to get to a point whwre you put your own feelings aside and tbink.about the baby. Now I am like u in the fact that I am already investing my money time and love in this child. While he is off having a grand old time and doing whatever he wants. And while im inveating my heart into.this bumdle of mine and he doesnt care less and then when.the baby is born.he is all of a sudden going to.be super dad and im gonna look like the jack *** because im still.gonna.be pissed while he is supposedly trying. Oh and if u go.thru the court system.they dont allow ubto waive child support. Its the babys right to.have support from both parents. U can decide that outside of court but he ahould help support the baby financially. Idk of what other women.are saying is true.that men grow up when.they see the baby....ibdont have any firsthand experience in that. But I will let u know when my baby is.born lol. I agree that iff he is smoking and drinking then he shouldnt have the baby by himself but u cant keep.him from the baby altogether. Maybe let him come see the baby at your house with u there or take the baby to his place if it doesnt smell like the herb lol.

[adgal]

I'm sorry your going through a rough time.  I do want to congratulate you though on the good choices you are making and in putting your baby first.  That's what a good momma does, so feel good about that ok?

Unfortunately parenthood does not always make everyone grow up.  Not everyone steps up to the plate and does what is right (how I wish they would).  I think you know there is nothing you can do to change his behavior, only he can decide that.  I do think you are wise to take steps to protect your child.  I would start by seeking the assistance of a family lawyer.  If your financial situation prohibits this, seek financial aid, or look for a free clinic or help given by legal students.  You will have to do some research, but free or low cost help is out there for you.  I would get a custody agreement legalized.  Also, I know you dont' want money from him, but think of the child.  You are going to need help - almost all of us do financially.  I would seek child support from him.  He is equally responsible for creating this baby so should be equally responsible for supporting him or her.  If you don't want or need the money, put it in a bank account for your child's education or something.  Either way, it will help.

As for depression, don't be afraid to speak up.  Tell your OB how you are feeling and find out what kind of help would be appropriate for you.  You can also seek out a counselor, but be sure to talk to your OB as well.  Just come out and say it.

Your not being irrational at all.  You hang in there and keep moving forward.  I suspect your going to do just fine.