FTM with dad with kids

[jordyvi0824]

I'm having a really hard time with my boyfriends kids! I love them but thy re so disrespectful all the time! Their mom lets them do whatever thy want all the time and eat whatever they want all the time so they are always hyped up on sugar and thy are always disrespectful to kids and adults! They hit each other and their dad they hit kids at the park.. I've told them that if they ever hit me they won't be aloud over anymore so they don't touch me! But I am really scared to have my baby around them when she comes I feel like they won't care that she's a baby and hit her and I don't really want her around them because I don't want that same disrespectful attitude to rub off on her! Ugh I'm so frustrated! Anyone in a similar pickle or have any suggestions?

[keyshaE]

Just saying a mother is always gonna choose her biological children over anyone else's children no matter how much she loves the person they belong to. its nature and if thus were survival of the fittest it would be evey mother and THEIR child for themselves bottom line imma choose mine every time and so will most mothers.

[keyshaE]

@jordyvi0824 of course I understand and fully support you. I only speak from experience and from my experience your not wrong at all. Hope all goes well with your labor and you enjoy your baby.

[AnxiousMommy01]

okay, i would sit here and tell you you're not wrong for wanting it to be just you baby & dad. because THATS EXACTLY WHATS GONNA HAPPEN WITH ME! my bf's son will be with his mother for some days just like when my bf's son mother had her twins.. he was with me & his dad for some days. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH THAT SWEETHEART. & your bf should put his foot down because ill be damned if my bf let his son do some of the things those kids did. but, dont listen to everyone's opinion listen to your heart & how you feel talk to your bf and have him talk to the kids if you're not comfortable with doing so.. if that doesn't work.. send them back to their mother. point blank period. visits only! its your house.. and that don't mean your keeping him away from his kids because he can always go visit them, take them places, or anything than.being around you. That's just a sorry excuse.. :)

[Ftm1990]

Looks like the majority rules in your favor mama!take the time you deserve,you are a mama just like the rest of us and you are also human which means you need a break sometimes!dont listen to bad mouthed people bc in reality they aren't in your situation,if they were they'd have a different outlook on it that's for sure:)good luck and God bless!❤

[kramelia]

Every mother needs a break when a new baby comes. I have four of my own and i send them to grandparents for a couple days because its hard. Its really hard for kids to adjust to different parenting styles. And while they are old enough to follow directions,  they also believe everything from their parents. So if mom says its ok they do not understand why it isnt ok. Thats very confusing for children. They dont have the ability to think like we do or use hardly any impulse control. Also, children always need stability. Children will actually act out continually and more with the stable parent than the unstable because they need you to prove the environment is stable and predictable. Should thry behave? Absolutely. Should they be respectful? Absolutely. But they only have so much capacity to do these things and at those ages its not about defiance, its just about lacking the maturity and the ability. Mixing families is so hard but at the end of the day, at this age, its more of a product of different expectations at different homes

[1st_time_mommyscarbro]

Thats a really tough situation! Personally I have been in a serious relationship with the exes child involved and it doesnt help when her mother acted so crappy herself. Yes when you are in a relationship its a package deal with kids involved...no you do not have to let them ruin your relationship with YOUR baby's father. Your kids come first to a point, you still have to be a parent and be boss and not let them have control or power over your life. You do have the right at YOUR home to set rules and bounderies for HIS kids other wise if they cant follow through than they can have only visits and go live with their mother.  Your man should be helping and putting his foot down and letting the kids and the ex know its not okay to be rude to you. You guys are a family whether you are married or not so you have to do things as a family. And since you are having a baby of your own, dont feel guilty for taking the time to bond with just you, your man and baby. It wont make you a bad step mom and wont make you a bad person. Teach those kids some disapline. ..those kids need to be bent over a knee for treating ANY adult the way they have. Sounds like you have done A lot for those kids and they be grateful they have someone like you in their life for giving them what their mom wont. Everyone does things differently so you and your man do whats best for you guys...just talk to him and work together :) good luck

[jordyvi0824]

@ammanda well you definitely get it! Thanks momma! And good Luck to you as well :)

[ammanda]

I seriously just read my life in this! Lol my bf son is almost 5. And he drives me absolutely insane!  He is annoying as heck and doesn't listen.  I think my main problem is I don't like kids. Sounds bad but hey whatever.. I have a 4 year old as well and he's my world!  He's a spoiled rotten Lil boy who I'd lay my life down for. He's a sissy cry baby with alot of feelings and I would not have it any other way lol. Well my bf makes fun of my son and is so cruel to him about it. Bc in their family they teach the kids to fight and hit and to not cry. Well I think my bf is completely blind bc his son is a cry baby too. He just refuses to see it.  I let them into my home as well and into my car. I do all the driving and stuff bc he can't drive and his son's mom is a lazy b****! Point of the matter is there's no reason he can't sit his damn kids down and tell them wth is up and make them listen and respect you. That's what a real father does!  I am having our Lil girl in 2 weeks and I am even sending my own son away for a few days so I can bond with my daughter and get the swing of things. And my bf better believe his son isn't gonna be there either! You deserve that time and you DO NOT need to feel bad for it or listen to any one trying to get you to! Take your time and enjoy it! And def make the new rules!  Me and my bf have alot to work out bc clearly we have 2 different ways of parenting.  But I will win and my daughter will be raised the way I want or were gone. Plain and simple. I am am great mother and until he can prove he can be a better father his opinion or wants or not needed. And I can sound bad all I want but until you know the story dont judge! Let's just say his family smokes cigs and weed and drink around there kids.  They all talk all ghetto and hit them and teach them how to fight. . Not the way my son or our daughter will be raised and he knows that. HeHe also knows our daughter isn't allowed at any of his siblings houses!  

[jordyvi0824]

Okay I can understand that that's a good suggestion! Thankks

[Mana517]

I agree u did become a mother as soon as you got pregnant and actually before that u actually become a mother the day you welcomed your boyfriend and his children in to your home and trust me I know all about dealing with difficult people my kids dad tell them not only not to listen to my boyfriend but not to listen to me either. I'm glad that I have raised my kids well enough to know better and for the most part they are pretty respectful to my boyfriend but like I said before the first few days of coming back from visits with their dad they tend to act out a lot more than usual. I step in and take complete control of the situation instead of my boyfriend saying something because I know the kids probably would not respond very well to that ... Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend and have him do most or all of the disciplining and talking to, and you just be there to support them. TThose kids are obviously going through some pretty hard times and maybe they do resent that fact that their dad is with you and not their mom ... That's not your fault but they are kids and kids act out cause sometimes they don't know any other way of expressing their emotions. I truely wish you the best and hope the kids come around

[jordyvi0824]

Shame on me? Really? Cause I want a little time with MY baby I never said their father couldn't see them for that time he can see them everyday! They don't need to be there and I might ya when my sister had her baby she had her daughter stay with me for a week so she could have some time! I think it would be worse for them to be there and not get any attention because our attention is going to need to be 100% on the newborn I would rather them be somewhere where they will at least have some attention it's not mean at all it's actually a better thing for them as well

[mrs_farris]

Like i said if they were your biological children you wouldn't have them not stay with you for a few weeks. Shame on you.

[jordyvi0824]

@hope10914 thank you! Geez it's like I'm talking to people that only know how to read have the words I'm saying so that's all she an respond to!

[jordyvi0824]

Ya everyone is offering good advice! YOU are not you re just trying to make me feel like crap about something I'm having a hard time figuring out! I directed that comment at you and only you! No one else had anything to do with what I just said

[hope10914]

When did she even mention "getting rid of them?" Alls this woman wants is a few weeksto herself so she can heal n get into the swing of things with her new baby. Why's that so wrong or hard to understand?? Lol u take all the time you need!! You deserve it!!

[mrs_farris]

You posted and asked for advice on a public forum.  Every one is offering good advice. Don't get mad if someone thinks you should do things differently.

[jordyvi0824]

I'm not asking him to get rid of them! That's not what I'm saying at all if you can't understand then don't say anything

[mrs_farris]

They are 5 and 8. Talk to them at their level.  You mentioned your this and your that. You guys are a family it should be ours.  If they were your biological children,  you wouldn't be getting rid of them.

[jordyvi0824]

Like I have now said 10 times I would never make him leave them for me I wouldn't expect someone to do that he knows exactly how I feel and he knows the way they act is totally unacceptable unfortunately when your mother tells you not to listen to someone most likely you won't! Nothing is stopping him from walking out that door if he wants to I'm not making him stay I let them all into my home I own my home and I worked hard for it and I still work hard I don't need him I want him because I love him I know that they come with him and that's why I am trying me best and as far as I'm concerned I became a mother the second I got pregnant and if my kid acted that way and he said something about i would leave them I would talk to my kid but these kids don't listen! I never said they couldn't be here but there are boundaries that aren't going to be crossed they know what they are and they are old enough to understand if they choose not to abide by them then they don't get to be in my house and they need to realize that! And you can try to say that I don't understand because I'm not a mom but I am maybe YOU don't understand because you have no idea how Ty act or how their mom is and how impossible it is to talk to her about things and work things out! Like I said he knows how I feel and he's choosing to stay and he understands that that is not the way I want my child to act and I refuse to let her grow up that way.

[Mana517]

Of course u can't help who u fall in love with but as an adult u should be mature enough to realize that it is a package deal no matter if your married or not which you said you would be merried soon correct? So do u think your feeling will change about your soon to be husband's kids by then? Doubt it and actually the things I suggested aren't so difficult giving the kids consequences and rewards for good and bad behavior??? Pretty cut and dry I believe. Me and my boyfriend both have 2 kids each from previous relationships and when we first started dating we both agreed that if any of our children had a problem with us being together we would have to end the relationship no matter how much he loved each other and no matter how much it might hurt. Why? Because as a GOOD parent you ALWAYS put your childrens feelings before your own. I understand you arnet yet a mother so maybe you don't understand but one day you will. And maybe you should be more worried about how your boyfriend feels about how you feel and talk about "another woman's disrespectful children" who are "ridiculous" because if my boyfriend talked about my children like that he wouldn't have to worry about leaving me I would drop in at the drop of a dime. Men and woman come a dime a dozen you children are your children. And it would be extremely selfish of you to make your boyfriend feel like he had to make a choice between you and his kids. Did u guys meet and get pregnant the same day? Most likely not so you knew his kids before u decided to have a baby with this man right?

[jordyvi0824]

@keyshaE Thank you for understanding! :)

[jordyvi0824]

I really don't know where some of you are getting that I am trying to take their ather away from them I am not evil I would never do that but I do think it's perfectly acceptable for me to have a little time away from them to get adapted to everything at my home! I have been amazing to them I allowed them to come into my home have them their own room and they complained cause they each wanted their own when they know I am using it for the nursery I understand it's hard for them because their mom lives in a mobile home and they like being at our house because there's more room to play and all that but still I get no respect from them and I can't have a sit down talk with their mom because she is jealous of what we have together but that's not an excuse I have given tem a lot that I didn't have to and I don't think it's horrible that I want a little time to adapt with everything! He can see them everyday if he wants to I just don't want them here for a bit and they need to learn what it's like to not be here if they can not control themselves! They moved in with me so I absolutely have the power to say they can't come here anymore but I do not want to do that so it's really up to them they are old enough to know right from wrong and there will be consequences if they can't treat me and my baby with respect!

[mrs_farris]

I would have a sit down with all adults, make sure your fiancé is on the same page and lay down the rules. Then bring the kids in and let them know that these are the rules for your house. It will take time for them to adjust. Time outs, a minute per age. If they throw a toy they lose it, to get it back, they have to do something helpful (make their bed, clean up their mess).  Praise good behavior. Only offer one warning.  You have to be consistent, even if their mother has different rules. As long as you and your fiancé are on the same page with the same rules, things will turn around. Also make sure that they have special one on one time with daddy so they don't feel left out.

[keyshaE]

@Mana517 To me that package deal stuff is not valid unless your married and I think it is very selfish to deny a ftm time to get used to her new baby especially if she has ppd seriously what is a couple of weeks without another woman's disrespectful children due to the circumstances at hand. Seriously have you no consideration?!  You can't help who you fall in love with weather they have kids or not so it's a lot easier to suggest leaving the father of your new baby if you dont want his kids around for a few weeks than it is actually follow through with it. A lot of the things you are suggesting are eaiser said than done especially when the mother of the other children is ignorant and has animosity. obviously this woman likes these kids and wants them around and has accepted these children which is very admirable of her and which is all the more reason her feelings should be considered.  A relationship is a 50/50 split so if she is comprising for him and his kids then he should compromise for her and THEIR new child at least for her learning to be a good mother and if nothing else for her sanity.