dont know what to do, 20 years old at university, muslim family

[dontknowwhattodo2008]

i dont know what to do, im not looking for any answers, i know ultimately that its something me and the potential daddy need to decide, but im so anxious and worried. i spoke to my mum today, and my sister, and the fella, all are under the impression that continuing with the pregnancy would be a silly idea... but it's there now and it's apparently the size of a poppy seed, heart beat and everything. any advice?

[JoyRenee]

Where do you live? You always have a choice- no one can make you have an abortion. Your little one has a heartbeat and brain waves, as you said, so you know you'd be ending the life of your son or daughter. It's heavy stuff and a really tough decision to make but you don't have to make the choice TODAY. Give yourself time. EVERY single pregnant woman (even the ones who plan to have a baby) doubt themselves and the pregnancy.

Please know that whatever you decide you will have friends here to help you.

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first daughter. She is now 3 1/2 years old and I wouldn't have given her up for anything.

[JoyRenee]

Oh and can I just ask... what do YOU want to do? All you said was that everyone else said it was silly to remain pregnant. But what does your heart say? This is YOUR baby and you are the only one who can protect them if you are wanting to keep them. If you get an abortion and you don't want one, you will regret it the rest of your life. Even women who wanted an abortion suffer with depression and regret.

I am not saying all of that to be mean at all. I am very concerned for you and I hope you make the right choice.

[dontknowwhattodo2008]

thanks everyone for the comments. in reply to joyrenee i live in lancashire.
i dont want to get rid of my baby, but i honestly dont have a choice. its been eating me up for days, and i know that after iv been through what has to happen i'll feel even worse. the one thing i always promised myself was that if i got myself pregnant, id deal with it, not get rid of it. spoke to the fella tonight, and bless him, he's trying to be supportive and tells me he'll support me either way, but i know in his heart he doesnt want me to have a baby. got the first doctors appointment tomorrow morning, havent been able to sleep since i found out, just napping throughout the day. i know i could be a great mum given half a chance. i grew up without family around me, yeah i had my mum n sister, but children need there aunties, uncles, cousins, nanas. my child would have none of this at this point. i had so much more planned for my life, to give my child, to inspire them to go on and get an education, make something of themselves. i know that many of you have gone on and got yours, but i don't think id be able to go back. i'd have to move into my own house, pay my own way 100% (obviously with the governments help), and be strong enough to bring up a child knowing im excluding them from what family life they should have.
mum told me tonight that im playing with her head, changing my mind every two minutes, coz i keep promising her that ill do what she wants me to do, but every second im alone i know what id do if I had the CHOICE, and she would be supportive enough to allow me that choice.
mums been through two courses of IVF in the past year, third attempt coming up. How is that going to make me feel, should it work!? obviously id be happy for her, but deep down im always going to know why i could never give my baby a chance, and every year approaching my due day, how am i going to feel?

im going to allow myself a bit of time, but the longer i leave it the more attached im going to become i know that, and if i cant have my baby, its going to tear me apart.  i can see i'll end up resenting those that have stopped me, well iv already started resenting them.

tomorrows the day of my first examination, im guessing they'll tell me everything i need to know then..

thanks for all the comments, you've all helped a lot. it helps speaking to people who don't know you really doesnt it, you cant be judged...

xxx

[JoyRenee]

My heart is breaking for you, sweetie. No one should have to choose between their family or their unborn baby. I don't know where Lancashire is (is that in the US?). I assume it is part of the Muslim belief that if you get pregnant before marriage that your family turns their back on you, right? Kind of like kids who leave their Amish roots cannot go back to the Amish community?

If you ever want to chat privately, to vent and get your thoughts out, I'm on here throughout the day so feel free to message me anytime. I used to work at a crisis pregnancy center. We helped many girls who thought it was hopeless and they were able to stand on their own two feet and keep their baby. *HUGS*

[anxi]

Sweetheart  It really seems like you want to keep your baby.  Maybe you should tell your mum and family what you just told us.  If you can't say it have them read it.Do not worry about your baby not growing up with family.  People like to be judgemental and talk behind each others backs.  I also come from avery conservative background and understand the type of pressure you are under but honestly once these people, family members see what an angel your baby is they will come around.  I'm not saying things will be easy but if you feel forced into a decision you don't want to make then you will end up losing your family anyway.  Nothing will be the same between you and them ever again  

My husbands sister got pregnant at 20 and her parents cried for weeks.  It was the worst thing that could ever have happened according to them.  And the father was such a "Loser and an A hole"  Let me tell you now her son is one year old and the light of his grandparents life.  People  often react very badly to things they believe are shameful but in the end they come around.  I think what your Parents need to decide is if they want to gain a grandchild or lose a daughter.

You are a strong woman not everyone gets into college or has the strength of character to even try.  Know this if you want to have your baby and finish school you will.  There are many resources out there for you.

Having said all this if  you end up having an abortion that is ok too just make sure that is what you want.  And that it is right for you  

I'm sending you love and kisses

[JoyRenee]

I love what anxi just wrote, especially about how it will never be the same between you and your family no matter what you decide to do. I'd like to share my story.

I got pregnant when I was 19, unmarried. We had to tell my mom (she was dying and died a month after we told her) and we had to tell my boyfriend's parents (he's now my husband). His father is a pastor and his mom is the epitomy of all that is innocent. They were very disappointed in us and it was hard. I didn't feel close to her and I had lost my mom.

Once my daughter was born, though, everything changed. My MIL picks up my daughter every Wednesday for homeschool and she often calls me to tell me how much joy my daughter brings to her.

My little girl is 3 1/2 now and I cannot imagine ever having ended her life while pregnant with her. Because I know what she looks like, how funny and intelligent she is and she looks just like I did when I was little. She's a part of ME. I still can't even believe we created her.

As anxi also said, try talking to your mom. Write a letter if you can't get it out. Let her know that it would be the biggest regret of your life. You sound like you do not want to have an abortion. In fact you don't even say the word at all. You even refer to your little one as a "baby" and not something else.

Whatever happens we're here for you girl!