Can't sleep. Getting depressed

[Factorymomma]

Ever since finding out that I have no choice in my delivery option, I can't sleep.  I'm ungodly depressed.  I just want to cry all the time.  Everyone keeps saying "it's all about healthy mom, healthy baby" but honestly since finding out the end is not at all what I want, I'm no longer happy to be pregnant.  I'm just ready for my pregnancy to be over.  I've just lost all attachment to my baby.  I've started smoking again.  Stopped taking all my meds.  I just don't care anymore.  And then people pipe in and say "oh you'll be happy when you're holding your baby". I just already know I'll just be very indifferent to it.  I know I'm being stupid and selfish, but I'm ready to tell all my doctors to shove it and go it alone.

[FirstUterally]

im so sorry for the way you are feeling. im really truly sorry i dont really have any advice. i just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you.

[Factorymomma]

The problem is I've been turned down by a few midwives already.

[Spiket77]

I don't know your birth history but are midwives available where you are? Is that an option for you?

I feel like a midwife could help you have the best possible experience even if it involved some intervention. Many midwives will do everything in their power to give you the birth experience you want.

I had a great experience so I can't directly relate to your situation. But, it can cause PTSD when things get hairy with a birth. My SIL had a horrible first birth experience. They had to knock her out completely in the end to give her a c-section. She went on to have a unmedicated VBAC with her second and she totally felt empowered again. It was healing for her.

I know some people won't agree with me on this but if you feel confident that you could have a VBAC ...then do it. And PLEASE get a doula. You need a birth advocate.

[Factorymomma]

I did talk to him about welbutrin (because I was on prozac). But he said all he prescribes is prozac.  :-P
One thing that does help is my best friend (who has three kids) had ppd with all of her kids and we talk when we get a chance.  It makes me feel a bit better.  I think I'll get better with since time just because my boyfriend is willing to do pretty mutch anything to make me feel better.  I just don't want to bug him with something that'll make him sad too.
He keeps mentioning marriage, and knows I'm not ready yet (got out of a horrible marriage before I met him).
Also I think part of my issue is I'm a VERY private person.  and his family/friends are all up in my business all the time.  No friggin joke.  My family/friends know how I am and keep their distance minus asking how I'm doing occasionally.  I keep people updated via facebook (i have family/friends spread all over the world), and thats just how I am.  I don't give them a book, but just a "doing well, baby's coming soon!" Type thing.
Hell my mil was asking about my dang cervix the other day and if we were "doing it" AHHH!
I just feel all the attention from everyone medical and family is just suffocating me.  Maybe thats part of it too????

[MamaBear0612]

You're not a freak, but it does sound like you're dealing with depression, and maybe like Starzabove says, PTSD. I do think you need to talk to someone professional, I know moms are tough :) but it's too big to handle yourself. Perhaps talk to your doctor about another medicine?

[Factorymomma]

I was recently on antidepressants from week thirteen.  But about three weeks ago I stopped taking them because I stayed getting really angry to the point of being violent.  Within a week of stopping them I felt like myself.  The mellow, carefree, fun-loving person I normally am.  Yea I'd cry to that darn ASPCA commercial with Sarah MacLaughlin singing, but I know puerile that aren't pregnant who cry to that lol.  I haven't told my boyfriend how I feel because he just doesn't understand my emotional turmoil.  And I don't want to drag him down because he is SOOO excited.  I'll be surprised if I'll even get to hold the baby.  He's also noticed my detachment.  I've pretty much stopped calling the baby Elizabeth.  I just call it "the baby".  He asked me why I just call her that, and I just say I don't know.  
I dunno I almost feel like I have sundowners, but for depression.... Not alzheimer's.  I feel great all day. Then in the evening it starts kinda boiling under the surface and gets worse until I just get angry and sad again.  Like right now, I don't feel all the horrible anger, or feel like crying and screaming.  I feel my level headed self.  Maybe I'm bi-polar?  it runs in my family like wild fire, but normally (not pregnant) I don't flip like this.  Not even if I went out drinking hard liquor lol.  I just feel like a freak.

[hines2009]

All I can really say is jsst hang in there:) I'm sorry u are feelin like this. Its also sounds like u had a bit of ppd with ur son..but I wld def talk to someone who can help u and talk to u about al ur emotions and anger and upset. Again I am so sorry but if u need anyone to talk to I'm here:))

[Starzabove9]

It sounds like.you have.PTSD from your last experience. You should really look into getting some mental health treatment to get you through this difficult time.

[KTowne]

Have you talked to your doctor about the depression? I don't know about depression meds during pregnancy but what you're explaining is really, intense, and should definitely be taken seriously. I don't understand what you're feeling, because I've never felt anything but extreme love for my son, but if labor is that important to you to where you're thinking about doing it alone, have you considered an at home midwife or anything like that? I think also you're feeling this way, but if something were to happen to your baby you'd be feeling a lot different. I hope things work out for you, and you're a healthy, happy family

[Factorymomma]

I've never told anyone this, ever.  But after I had my son I wanted to walk away from the hospital and never look back.  when I got home with him the only time I held him was to feed, change, or anything else necessary for him.  Other than that he stayed in his swing.  I couldn't look at him without being filled with a deep sorrow and anger.  I actually bitched at my doctor to sign me to go back to work at 4 weeks post partum because I wanted to just get away from everything and just work.  It took me almost two months to actually want to hold my child just to hold him.  And I had nightmares for a year following his birth.  I still cannot watch any "birth" show without getting really angry and crying.  No doctor will touch me since this specialist has said no.  he's doomed me again and doesn't understand that yea I'll be physically healthy, but what good am I.if I don't even give a damn about my child.

[auntie4life]

That is why I mentioned trying to get another opinion and trying to find a Dr that will do that.  

[Ashleigh529]

Ive read all her other posts, shes gotten many other opinions and her last c-section her anesthesiologist almost killed her! She wanted a VBAC and she's furious and heartbroken its goung to be another csec.

[Ashleigh529]

Its so hard to comment because i have no idea how ur really feeling inside and what ur going through. The only thing i can say is ive definitely had experiences in my life that didn't go my way that made my mind shut down and push ppl away.

As for the anesthesiologist i had a horrible experience with my 2nd delivery that has me super scared to get one with this delivery. I thought he was gonna kill me when he put it in wrong so many times my body started twitching and my blood pressure dropped DANGEROUSLY low.

I wont sit here n tell u to do it for ur babies sake or all the comments u don't wanna hear right now, but ill listen if u just need someone to express ur frustrations and vent too. Im sorry for ur disappointment :-(

[auntie4life]

If it is that important to you how your baby is born I would get an opinion from a different Dr. See if you can find a Dr that will SAFELY give you what you want.  In the end though they are looking out for the best interest of you and your baby.  Don't let this be something that affects your attachment to your child.  

[MamaBear0612]

It sounds like your last pregnancy you didn't get the delivery you wanted either. Did you feel that way about your son? I would guess you love that little guy like crazy, no matter how he was born...the same will be true about this baby. Give yourself some time; you just got the news and you know our pregnancy emotions are pretty intense, so you're adjusting. Hope you feel better soon.