Are all affairs just affairs or do they have an feel of personal vengeance?

[PassionFlower09]

My husband did not just "sleep" with another woman. I don't have any proof of this to the negative or the postive. But I do have proof that he had an emotional affair. IF he would have just had a physical affair it would be easier I think.

My husband did not just have an emotional relationship with someone else (or maybe a physical one), he tore me down.  I heard him say that they mean more to him, they understand him- he can communicate with them not me, they are this and that .  I saw him rather to talk to them than me.  I heard him say that he does not give a f*****about my feelings to me.

He has apologized for this. And says, he doesn't talk to these people anymore. And he was only doing this because  he needed to help these people- moreover, he really did not mean any of it. I guess I didn't mean anything and I was some sort of expendable being (I still haven't figured it out. Why did he have to hurt me to help these B*****ches? But anyway).

I don't know how to forgive this.  I don't know if I can. Every time I attempt to envision our life together, a part of me is happy. But then another part of me says, "he lied to you, and hurt you". It is a constant struggle.I can get over him sharing himself with someone if he really wanted to help. But I can't get over him purposely trying to hurt me or defend them against me as if I am an enemy. He just ravaged my heart. there are times when I look at him,the only thing I see is someone who hurt me- on purpose. Not even my worst enemy has pulled this crap on me.

It just seems worse than just a physical or emotional affair to me. It seems like a personal attack.  

Are all affairs just affairs or do they have an feel of personal vengeance?

[Myown]

I know it must be very hard but if you love him and it sounds like you do, I would have a talk with him about how its hard for you to trust him and let him talk to you about how he is going to prove or build back that trust you once had.

People make mistakes, terrible mistakes sometimes, and if its someone we love who has hurt us, our way of dealing with the problem depends on how we define love.

Some can love so deep and intense that when that person they love hurts them they feel wounded beyond repair, but the other type of love is more of an unconditional love, one that loves just as intense but is willing to work things out in an attempt to put the hurt behind them because they love their spouse that much. But I certainly understand its a trust issue and that is hard, but trust can be built again. If he was nice at one time, I'm sure he is still nice but he made a big mistake and now it just makes things so hard.

Try to picture your life without him, not hearing his voice anymore nor seeing him. Would that make you feel better or worse.. that is what you have to ask yourself and then if you cannot picture him out of your life, I would give it one more try, but you both have to work on him convincing you that he realizes the horror of his mistake and you being able to believe him that this time he is telling the truth in that he would never do that again.
I don't think it is going to be easy and it will take time, but I do believe it can work and sometimes the relationship can be better than before if he realizes how miserable he too would be without you and that you are kind enough to give him another chance, if that is what you do decide.

I wish you the best.
MO

[PassionFlower09]

Honestly, I don't know if I can forgive him.

I think he tried to break my spirit. I can't imagine doing what he did to me to anyone. It would be one thing if he just cheated. But he lied to me. HE disrespected me, and he let some trailer park trash disrespect me.

I am just trying to understand why. I just wanted to save our life together. but I just feel so betrayed. You can't imagine- he told met that my well being meant the world to him. Then he went out and bought another "secret" phone to call the b******ch on . Or he told her that "I" don't want her to call- it is not him.

He used to be kind, and my everything. Now I see he can be kind and charming. But he can also be cruel and heartless- and not just to strangers,  but to me. The person who would have given everything for him. And to me it is a risk. I don't know what will ultimately happen. I just try to live day by day. It is really hard sometimes. Especially when I don't want to get up  and be apart of the world- but I have to keep going.

[teko]

Ya know, I am not at all sure I would want to go one after an incident like that. It would seem like the biggest betrayal of all. I think me personally would not be able to regain what was lost as a result and would simply have to realize that fact and take the steps needed to protect myself and ensure it did not happen again. That pain is sooo deep, yes its too deep and outweighs whatever good was there before.

We all must make our own choices in life, but seriously, if you do not come up with a way to deal and accept what happened, your relationship is already over. The ball is in your court. Can you or Cant you forgive and forget? Be honest with yourself and act accordingly. Good Luck

[perch101]

Passion, I don't know if you can forgive and forget this either :-(

You have been struggling with this for a long time now........... you don't have any kids right? Can I ask - what part of you is reluctant to leave? I ask because you seem unhappy in your relationship - angry, resentful, bitter. But you don't want to break up either?

I think you either have to 1- Leave him, or 2- forgive him and somehow forget it. Because as it is now - you both sound miserable.

Can I ask - what are the things that make you want to stay with him? Can he be kind, or fun, does he make you laugh?

I guess I'm trying to find out for myself why you won't leave, because I've read your posts for a long time now and things are not getting better.

Intrigued,
Perch