Aa
Advice..
Okay I have read some of the post and replies on here and it kinda scares me to put a post on here. Okay here goes...
I married in November of 2001, since then the marriage has been in and out, what I mean is we were together then we seperate then get back together. We now have been back together for a year and things are not going well at all! I thought he changed now, the man is almost 62! But even on disabilty he works 7 days a week. I rarely see him at home anymore. And he is picking up drinking once again and when he drinks he gets rude and a bully. I have put in my application for divorce and for a goverment apartment, but with goverment helped there is 3 stimpulations (for the divorce). 1. all properties are to be sold and divided evenly (we dont have any property), 2. was something else, and 3. was agreed custody over our duaghter. I sat down and tried talking to him calmly, but I don't see him agreeing on it. I take care of my daughter pretty much on my own (school issues, doctors,. etc), so the only thing I want is to have her during school time and he can have her all the rest, but as I said he just mumbled and walked off saying, "ok I guess I'm the babysitter for the Summer!" That's not at all what I meant, there will be camping trips that we will go on and I will take her with me, so it's not like he's stuck with her. I mean he agreed long time ago to put his name on her birth certificate I never forced him. And no biologically he is not her father, nor will she ever know. I was strung out on meds during our seperation and had a one night stand, enough said. I did not say anything, but one day he said let's go change her birth certificate, I said are you sure? And he said yes definetly. So I give him credit for that.
But as time goes on I begin to get lonely. I mean in the last year I live with my stuff in a storage unit, never seeing or using it. I don't know why, but when we moved back into together my stuff was stored and he insisted that we use his stuff only. Hell we don't even sleep in the same bed, I have been on the couch almost the whole time. What kind of married life is that?
And this women he works for calls him all hours of the day and night and he jumps up and goes, but when I call his cell he won't answer it. It's just strange to me that when I invite him out to a lunch he says he's busy, but when this woman calls I found out he has gone out with her. It's also strange that when I go to my parents on the weekend I am accused of things. I have only slipped up once in our marriage and I was totally wasted, which is not an excuse I know, but it did happen and he knew and forgave me and we moved on.
But my problem is the lonliness.So lately I have been meeting new friends, guys and girls and have been going out when I can. Due to my illness that is very rare. So maybe I have gone out twice in the last year.
But it just seems like we're more roommates than anything. We have seperate bank accounts, I never know how much he earns, heck I don't even know truthfully if we're renting or buying or what on this trailer we live in. He took away the car I was transporting the kids in, he said it wasn't in his name and couldn't afford the isurance. Well our insurance for 3 vechiles is only about $50 a month! So then he hide all the title and registrations to the vechiles, but he didn't realize the one truck is legally in my name, so at least now I have this piece of crap truck.
But I know my main concern is my kids. So far my son is admittly going with me (I had in a previous relationship wayyy before my marriage) and my daughter wants to stay with her father, but that concerns me greatly. She is on medication for bi-polar, ADHD, ODD, OCD, elipesy and a mood disorder. I am afraid he will not take care of her needs and I have seen this when I am gone on the weekends, but she admittly says she don't want to live with me.
As I work on my divorce and getting my own place I am also working on myself. I am agorophobic, ADD, have anxiety attacks and nerve twitches. So I am trying to get better, but it is a hard and long wrong.
So in the meantime should I stay at home? I mean to me it feels like the marriage is already over, long time over. My parents say that I am legally married and should remain at home. Then how come he gets to run everywhere without worrying about me? How come he goes outside to answer a phone call or go to another room?
I know there is 2 sides to every story and this is mine. So as I said any advice??
I married in November of 2001, since then the marriage has been in and out, what I mean is we were together then we seperate then get back together. We now have been back together for a year and things are not going well at all! I thought he changed now, the man is almost 62! But even on disabilty he works 7 days a week. I rarely see him at home anymore. And he is picking up drinking once again and when he drinks he gets rude and a bully. I have put in my application for divorce and for a goverment apartment, but with goverment helped there is 3 stimpulations (for the divorce). 1. all properties are to be sold and divided evenly (we dont have any property), 2. was something else, and 3. was agreed custody over our duaghter. I sat down and tried talking to him calmly, but I don't see him agreeing on it. I take care of my daughter pretty much on my own (school issues, doctors,. etc), so the only thing I want is to have her during school time and he can have her all the rest, but as I said he just mumbled and walked off saying, "ok I guess I'm the babysitter for the Summer!" That's not at all what I meant, there will be camping trips that we will go on and I will take her with me, so it's not like he's stuck with her. I mean he agreed long time ago to put his name on her birth certificate I never forced him. And no biologically he is not her father, nor will she ever know. I was strung out on meds during our seperation and had a one night stand, enough said. I did not say anything, but one day he said let's go change her birth certificate, I said are you sure? And he said yes definetly. So I give him credit for that.
But as time goes on I begin to get lonely. I mean in the last year I live with my stuff in a storage unit, never seeing or using it. I don't know why, but when we moved back into together my stuff was stored and he insisted that we use his stuff only. Hell we don't even sleep in the same bed, I have been on the couch almost the whole time. What kind of married life is that?
And this women he works for calls him all hours of the day and night and he jumps up and goes, but when I call his cell he won't answer it. It's just strange to me that when I invite him out to a lunch he says he's busy, but when this woman calls I found out he has gone out with her. It's also strange that when I go to my parents on the weekend I am accused of things. I have only slipped up once in our marriage and I was totally wasted, which is not an excuse I know, but it did happen and he knew and forgave me and we moved on.
But my problem is the lonliness.So lately I have been meeting new friends, guys and girls and have been going out when I can. Due to my illness that is very rare. So maybe I have gone out twice in the last year.
But it just seems like we're more roommates than anything. We have seperate bank accounts, I never know how much he earns, heck I don't even know truthfully if we're renting or buying or what on this trailer we live in. He took away the car I was transporting the kids in, he said it wasn't in his name and couldn't afford the isurance. Well our insurance for 3 vechiles is only about $50 a month! So then he hide all the title and registrations to the vechiles, but he didn't realize the one truck is legally in my name, so at least now I have this piece of crap truck.
But I know my main concern is my kids. So far my son is admittly going with me (I had in a previous relationship wayyy before my marriage) and my daughter wants to stay with her father, but that concerns me greatly. She is on medication for bi-polar, ADHD, ODD, OCD, elipesy and a mood disorder. I am afraid he will not take care of her needs and I have seen this when I am gone on the weekends, but she admittly says she don't want to live with me.
As I work on my divorce and getting my own place I am also working on myself. I am agorophobic, ADD, have anxiety attacks and nerve twitches. So I am trying to get better, but it is a hard and long wrong.
So in the meantime should I stay at home? I mean to me it feels like the marriage is already over, long time over. My parents say that I am legally married and should remain at home. Then how come he gets to run everywhere without worrying about me? How come he goes outside to answer a phone call or go to another room?
I know there is 2 sides to every story and this is mine. So as I said any advice??
God commanded that you do not commit adultery...a commandment. I also, believe in his forgiveness and mercy, but not repeat the mistake again. If you feel that a marriage counselor or priest will not help your marriage, then it's best to divorce and both go your your own way, but one day the truth will surfice about your daughers biological father and I pray that she will forgive you both, but you have to do what is best for your children first then you. Make sure to surround yourself with a support system (family and friends) and try to get your life back on track and in a positive direction.
Frist thank you for your reply, I appreciate any and all.
But I fell out of love with my husband many years ago and have been putting up with all this for the sake of the children, but even now the children are unhappy and my son wants to leave because of it all. I have mentioned couseling, but he only laughed and walked away.
Yes I know it is wrong not to tell my daughter, but I also think it's wrong to tell her, "I'm sorry I was all doped up and don't know your real daddy's name." So we decided this was a better result.
And honestly how long he has neglected me I do not value our marriage anymore. So far my plans are to move on and start a new live for myself and my son. I want my daughter to come with us, but by the time I get my own place she will be 12 and by law she can decide where she is to live. And if I wanted to fight it, I wouldn't have the money to go to court on.
And yes I have heard of adultery, from my mother the minister. And yes I know all about it and I'm not being smart, just saying I heard it. But I also believe God would not want us to be so miserable and feel so alone in this awful world.
But I fell out of love with my husband many years ago and have been putting up with all this for the sake of the children, but even now the children are unhappy and my son wants to leave because of it all. I have mentioned couseling, but he only laughed and walked away.
Yes I know it is wrong not to tell my daughter, but I also think it's wrong to tell her, "I'm sorry I was all doped up and don't know your real daddy's name." So we decided this was a better result.
And honestly how long he has neglected me I do not value our marriage anymore. So far my plans are to move on and start a new live for myself and my son. I want my daughter to come with us, but by the time I get my own place she will be 12 and by law she can decide where she is to live. And if I wanted to fight it, I wouldn't have the money to go to court on.
And yes I have heard of adultery, from my mother the minister. And yes I know all about it and I'm not being smart, just saying I heard it. But I also believe God would not want us to be so miserable and feel so alone in this awful world.
After carefully reading your post, what a mess and this is what I was able to get from your post. You are 35 and your husband is 62, so there is quite an age difference and you have been married for 8 yrs.
* Husband sounds like a workaholic rarely seen,which contributes to marital problems
(Red flag)
* Drinks and becomes arrogant and verbally abusive (Red flag).
* You have filed for a divorce (good!)
* You are the mother and your children should go to you, unless stated otherwise by
the courts. Your daughter is not aware that he is not her biological father
(SUPER RED FLAG!)...simply awful and trouble ahead, because sooner or later
when she finds out, it will be emotionally and psycologically devistating that you both
kept such a secret and she has the birth right to know who her father is and what is
going on. Honesty is the best policy and this one is going to come back and haunt
you one day.
* You committed adultery (Red flag, although seperated, still married, trust has been
broken).
* Possible other woman, but you can't judge him, because he forgave you right. I doubt
it. Don't think for a moment that he forgot what you did (Red flag)
* You admit to going out meeting new people 'GUYS" and girls...and you are married,
there is intent if you meet someone right...yeah, sure! (Red flag and we know where
this is going)!
My advice, this marriage has always been dysfunctional and is affecting the home environment and it is both your responsibility to make sure the kids have a happy, healthy functioning environment. The worst think you can do is lie to your child...deceit, because your daughter doesn't know that truth about her real father and that's a horrible thing to do to your child. If you value your relationship, then sit down with your husband and discuss marriage counseling, if he doesn't agree to it, seperation and only if you no longer love him, divorce. It's up to you how you want to handle this. Good luck! Judy
* Husband sounds like a workaholic rarely seen,which contributes to marital problems
(Red flag)
* Drinks and becomes arrogant and verbally abusive (Red flag).
* You have filed for a divorce (good!)
* You are the mother and your children should go to you, unless stated otherwise by
the courts. Your daughter is not aware that he is not her biological father
(SUPER RED FLAG!)...simply awful and trouble ahead, because sooner or later
when she finds out, it will be emotionally and psycologically devistating that you both
kept such a secret and she has the birth right to know who her father is and what is
going on. Honesty is the best policy and this one is going to come back and haunt
you one day.
* You committed adultery (Red flag, although seperated, still married, trust has been
broken).
* Possible other woman, but you can't judge him, because he forgave you right. I doubt
it. Don't think for a moment that he forgot what you did (Red flag)
* You admit to going out meeting new people 'GUYS" and girls...and you are married,
there is intent if you meet someone right...yeah, sure! (Red flag and we know where
this is going)!
My advice, this marriage has always been dysfunctional and is affecting the home environment and it is both your responsibility to make sure the kids have a happy, healthy functioning environment. The worst think you can do is lie to your child...deceit, because your daughter doesn't know that truth about her real father and that's a horrible thing to do to your child. If you value your relationship, then sit down with your husband and discuss marriage counseling, if he doesn't agree to it, seperation and only if you no longer love him, divorce. It's up to you how you want to handle this. Good luck! Judy
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