Yes I need your opinion again ;-)

[awaitingpeace80]

Okay so this post is really complicated so read closely, okay? So lately my marriage has been a virtual 24-7 rollercoaster and I am trying to workout the issues we have and one in particular is regarding a child that is allegedly my husbands but he still takes care of the child. In the past the mother of this child has tried to come between myself and my husband's relationship and has also used her our child as a pawn of personal benefit (very sad to me and really irritates me). I have tried to develop a friendship with the mother and child but all fails with every attempt. I have told my husband on many occasions that he needs to put his foot down with the child, mother and also the grandmother. I haven't done anything to make the mother or child to dislike me in the past. My inner suspicion tells me that she is still attracted to my husband and she does not like the fact that he is with me. I have never had the chance to hold a real conversation with this woman because she has a very immature attitude toward me. Once she called my house years ago and asked for my husband and I tried to start a conversation and she said put him on the phone before I come over there and I just hung up the phone and left it off the hook. She tells her child that they do not have to follow the rules in my house which will never fly. She also discourages her child from spending time with my children. This child only calls my husband or myself when she wants something. In the past, I have done many things for this child because the mother refused to properly care for her child. But because the mother is so senile, I have chosen to just take care of my children and let the mother do everything herself for the sake of my own sanity. Recently, her mother has gotten into trouble again and she has to go to jail for five days, should I allow this child to stay with my family even though I know that it may cause more drama from either the child or the mother?

[specialmom]

Well, this is a tough situation.  Can you imagine how hard this is on a 16 year old girl?  I mean, she lives with her mom and has all sorts of stuff going into her head on that side.  And it is absolutely true that it is quite difficult to go from one house to the other and have different rules.  That is why it is always best to promote a father and the mother to have a very friendly relationship.  It works out best this way.  It can be a bitter pill for a new signficant other to swallow--------  but the reality is, things will go more smoothly if the bio mom and dad have frequent contact and work together.  Then there can be some consistency.  And . . . the rule of thumb in family counseling when there is conflict between a step parent and a child is that the bio parent handles ALL discipline.  The step parent can confer in private with the bio parent, but that they have the ultimate say and handle the issues themselves.  Then you just act friendly.  You get to be the good guy.   This approach smoothes over many an issue and is something you should consider.  

And, well------------  I think if it has been difficult to form a relationship with the ex, then let it be but still the right thing to do is encourage your husband to have a friendly relationship with her.  

I will also say that if you handle this girl with emapthy and understand what this whole thing is like for HER, it will go better.  Her mom is going to jail for crying out loud.  That is tough on a kid.  And then she goes somewhere that the lady in charge isn't too happy about (and she can sense that).  Well, it is hard. And even if she is a manipulative little brat, at this point-------- it is the circumstances of the adults in her life that has caused that and not her.  So cut her some slack.  

It is hard to blend families.  But part of the deal when we are with someone with kids from another relationship.  good luck

[awaitingpeace80]

I have never shut her out it's just that when she is in my home, she feels as though she doesn't have to obey my rules because her mother says so and that is not how it goes in my home. @connieg I have showed her lots of love over the years but this child is 16!!! And needs to act like a respectful young adult should. This is why I need advice. When she was 6 years old and she open wounds on her hands from eczema, her mother refused to take her to the doctor so I took her. I have tons of things that I could name but that would be beside the point.

[ConnieG]

It sounds like you're taking your feelings about the mother out on the child.  The child has no say in how her mother acts or the things her mother teaches her.  The only thing you can do is the best for the child. I think it would be cruel to refuse the child that sees your husband as father. But on the other hand, I think it would give you a great opportunity to show the child what love really looks like and try to teach her better social skills.  Although it's only 5 days, maybe this is just what that child needs.

[AnnieBrooke]

Do you have any doubt the child is really your husband's biological child?  If she is, you can't shut her out.  She has rights to her dad.