Am I being inconsiderate

[tamsharp]

I have a baby by a man who lives next door to me and my family.  He does not take care of the baby nor does he acknodlege the baby. My family including my mother and sister still talks to him and speaks to him. They know it is his baby. he knows he has a baby.  I feel that my family should not speak to him any longer since he does not take care of my baby. I feel hurt and offended that they still do. I told them how I feel. They disagree. Am I being inconsiderate? Or am I right for being upset by this?  If It were them, I would not even speak to that person.

[Life360_Dave]

Im with you tam, and would feel the same as you and do feel you should get a court to establish some child support from him no matter how big or small. People have to be held responsible for their actions. And to why your parents are wanting to talk to him is a bit strange. If i were your dad, i surly would not be friendly with him but would consider the strain he has caused my daughter.

[tamsharp]

I do not live with my parents. I live on my own, not very far from my parents.  To londres: I have had drama with other guys in my past that I guess affected my family as well as me. I know I need to make better choices in life. Maybe they are tired of my drama and feel like I always make bad choices. In saying that, he still shoudl take responsibilty and if it were my child going through this, I would NEVER have a conversation with a man who doe snot support my grandchild. I do not expect them to hate this man but I do not expect them to speak and talk to him as if nothing happened. I agree with specialmom; they could say "Hey you know you have a child over here or something. Or just not say anything at all, but to speak to him is very offensive to me. I have made bad choices and they have too in life. But I would never speak or talk to someone who does what this man did to them. But the good in this is that I now see where I stand with my family and I can keep my distance to a certain point. i will always love them but I will never forget this. What they are doing is soemthing you do to an associate or someone you do not care about.  

I do not expect my child's father to give me a lot of money nor do I blame only him (I take full responsibility for my part in this), but I just want him to help out some. That's it.

[Londres70]

Well, for starts, I would recommend you get more independent of your family......i.e. find a place of your own.  

I can't really comment on why they are behaving this way towards you in regards to this man.  Seems as if they are blaming you more for the situation than this guy.   Doesn't make any sense why they are disagreeing with you about this.  Is there something in your past that happened with another guy or this guy that would make them not support you now?

"And I really do not want to enter into a court battle with him. These days fathers are getting custody as well especially when they have to pay child support."......Well, who says he is going to get custody?  You stated he didn't want anything to do with the child, so IMO custody wouldn't be a problem here.  If he pays child support he does have a right to see the child if he chooses.  I would recommend getting the child support.  

Do you have any other children?  

[RockRose]

tam,  I'm not preaching to anyone here.  If I were preaching to you,  and expressing disapproval,  you'd know it loud and clear.

I have a cousin who was nearing 30,  really wanted a child but really didn't have a relationship.  So she picked out a guy - the apartment maintenance man who was an undocumented worker and didn't speak much english to have sex with so she could get pregnant.  She knew he already had six (6) daughters in Mexico who he also didn't visit or support,  so she knew she wouldn't be pestered by him for visitation or custody,  and she never intended to take him to court for any kind of support.

And that's how it worked out.  She got a beautiful baby,  he's gone who knows where by now.    My family doesn't harbor any ill will toward him at all - it's unlikely he even knew she was trying to get pregnant.  

[specialmom]

Since he isn't even acknowledging the child at this point----  very doubtful that he'd ask for custody.  AND, he lives next door.  So, I don't think that is terribly realistic that he'd ask for custody.  It comes down to the child really and that they deserve the financial aid of the other parent.  And the court situation would send the the issue into a position that people would pick sides (IE: your family).  I don't think that I'd just live next door to the father of my child without acting like something was going on and like I said . . .   taking my child right over to the house saying "here's the baby.  looks just like you!"

[specialmom]

Well, they are dealing with the aftermath in a personal way too.  In that, their adult daughter is living at home with a child.  I know this happens but typically, we want our kids to be independent of us in their adult years.  

I would focus on that.  I would do your best to be less dependent on your family and more able to live on your own away from them AND this man.  Again, do you take the baby over there?  I sure would.  I'd make HIM uncomfortable and maybe HE will begin to avoid the family.  

It's uncomfortable I guess to be at war with neighbors.  I would hate that but I do know that my loyalty would lie with my kids.  I'd have to say something like "wow, you know . . .   you have a child here."  

In all seriousness, why haven't you filed for paternity to ask for support of your child?  

[tamsharp]

And I really do not want to enter into a court battle with him. These days fathers are getting custody as well especially when they have to pay child support. I would be extremely hurt if he so happen to get custody. I do not mind if he got visitation but not custody.

[tamsharp]

we did not have a relationship.. we both were irresponsible so please do not preach to me anyone. I know what I did. But as far as my family and our relationship, we are suppose to be a close knit family so I thought. I would do anything for them. I have helped them out in many ways. we have normal argugments and disagreements like family do. But other than that, we are very close. We go out together.  I am not sure why this is. I just wanted to get others opinions on this. Sometimes when I am hurt, I take things too personal. So, I was wondering if I were wrong for being upset with my family. I feel like they blame me and not him.  Would I be wrong to distance myself from my family?

[RockRose]

I really can't put my finger on this,  tamsharp,  I really just can't picture this situation.  

What is it about your relationship and your past - in general - with your family that's not being said here,  that would make this make a little more sense?  

We're all strangers here on the internet and don't know you,  and your family is treating him as if he accidentally scratched your car or something.

And why are you referring to him as the man who lives next door,  and not your former boyfriend/lover?  I just would think you would frame this whole discussion with your family welcoming a former boyfriend of yours,  and not being irritated that he's not taking responsibility - the way you describe him as a neighbor really catches my eye.

[specialmom]

I would make you number one goal to gain financial independence and move out of your mother's house.  I mean, who wants to live next door to the man that rejected us.  I'm gathering that is the situation here.  You never answered if you two dated or if this was a hook up.  I guess it makes a tiny bit of difference to me in that one is his walking away from a relationship and baby and the other is walking away from a baby.  

Getting back at him isn't probably what you should focus on.  I'd start taking the baby over to his house and saying "here's your daddy".  Then HE might move.  good luck

[tamsharp]

no

[tamsharp]

Most of the time they are saying hello, but my mother has had mini convesations with him. For example, near Christmas time, he walked over to my mother and said merry christmas to her and she said merry christmas back to him and had a conversation with him. When I told my mother I wanted to get back at him for not taking responsibilty, she said  "he didn't rape you." That hurt my feelins so badly. Based on their reaction, I really feel like distancing myself from my family. Something is abnormal about this.

[Londres70]

Where is the loyalty?  

They shouldn't have anything to do with this guy if he is refusing to take responsibility.  

Let me ask you this.....are they just simply saying "hi" to the man or are they interacting with the man, i.e. long conversations?

[RockRose]

Are you a minor?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, that feels insulting, doesn't it?  Where's the loyalty??  maybe they are doing it to keep the peace but I sure wouldn't.  In fact, I'd help you get the money to hire a lawyer and sue for paternity so he HAS to take care of his child financially.  Just giving away sperm does not a father make, sadly.  

Were you dating this man?

[caregiver222]

I'm with you.

[thatquietgirl]

I think you're right.  It's his baby.  He should take some sort of responsibility whether it's by caring for the child at times or providing financial support.