How to make up your mind???

[alli224]

I am writing this question in regards to my son and his fiance' and his girlfriend. Yes thats right!! So, he has been with the same girl for 7 years. They have 3 small children. ages 6, 3 and 2.   Back in Feb. he met a girl at work and they instantly were attracted to each other and the end of Feb. he moved out and got a place with the new girl. All along though he has been telling his Fiance' he isnt sure what he wants and he just needs time away. So, I won't go into details, but back a couple months ago they had to move cuz my son wasnt allowed back into the apt. complex so they moved in with her Grandfather. All along he has been telling the Fiance' he is only with the new one to have a ride to work cuz they have no car. And she actually believed him!! Anyway, about a week ago, the new girl went online and looked at the call log on his phone and found out he was talking to the fiance' alot.... and she basically told him to get out. So, he moved back with the Fiance'.  Now, he is lying to both of them...he is very confused as to what he wants. The way he describes it to me is...when he is with this Fiance; he misses the other one. Then when he is with her he misses the Fiance'. Iam so stressed out about this, because I have the Fiance' and the new one texting me constantly and I don't know what to say because I dont know what he is telling either one of them. Like just today, he told the fiance' that i was taking him around to pay bills but what really happpend was I took him to meet her and she took him. the new girl did. And she took him to work. but the Fiance' thinks I did. I hate this. I don't like to be in the middle of it. So, then he just sends me a text and says he told the new girl that his dad was picking him up from work and she didnt have to come get him. But really his Dad isn't . His fiance's sisters husband is picking him up. He doesnt want her to know it cuz she thinks they are getting back together. I can't keep up with the lies. I told him this. I also made him a dr appt next week to be referred to a Psychiatrist. I honestly think he needs to talk to someone. He cannot make up his mind and its amazing to me how these girls will just wait for him. I don't understand. In the meantime it is totaly stressing me out and I pretty much have a stressfree life beside all this BS! He is torn because he does not want to be a part time Dad but he says he doesnt think he has feelings for the Fiance' anymore but he wants to be with his kids.
I Hope someone has some GREAT advice for me! I had to go see my Dr and he increased my medication. I do not handle stressful situations very well at all.

Thank you for anyone who will take the time to read this. I appreciate it lots...

[alli224]

He was sure he loved her in the beginning. Since my post, I have told both girls I don't want in the middle. They both know I talk to one another. They both know how my son feels and they just seem to wait to decide what he wants to do. I talked to my son yesterday and he is really stressed out. I asked him if he would be willing to talk to someone and he said yes. So , I made him an appt. with my Dr. I think he is depressed and I think it will do him a world of good to talk to someone on the outside of this mess. In the meantime, he is back with the Fiance' and his children and he said he isnt going anywhere now. He wants to talk to the dr. and get things figured out. Which I think will be a huge step. As far as my involvement both girls know how I feel. I don't hide anything from them, except for yesterday and I told my son....do not ask me to do that again because it is not going to happen. He knows to keep me out if it. I just hope all of this has a peaceful ending.
Thank you everyone for all your advice. I just love this site!! :)

[kay2486]

if he wasnt sure if he loved her/had feeling for her why on earth did he want a child with her?

if she found you have been lying to her by keeping the secret from her you may lose your grankids, she will probably stop you from seeing them and honestly i wouldnt blame her, why let your son lead her on like that, its wrong and she deserves to know and deserves better than this

look at it from her point of view, my mother in law never wanted me and her son together she tells me im better off without him and thats wrong.

you should ask him to attend counsilling and sort his head out, he may even be depressed

[mami1323]

I was going to say what Annie said in her last line.  Why do you help to participate in his games of deception?  I know he's your son but if you are truly disgusted by what he's doing then you are just making it easier for him to get away with it by contributing to his lies and stories and being his alibi.  He needs to decide on his own what he's going to do but frankly this isn't exactly the healthiest for the children.  He can't go back and forth like this anymore.  He's not only hurting these women but his kids will be extremely confused.  I would suggest counseling for him, he needs to come clean and be honest for once in his life.  And I would tell him that you are no longer going to enable this behavior so if he needs an excuse then he will have to find it elsewhere.  I would also not discuss him and his behavior with these girls.  I would tell them that their relationship with your son is none of your business.  If the fiance finds out that you talk to the other woman and vice versa it will just be added stress to you and you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with your grandchildren.

[AnnieBrooke]

Ditto everything specialmom says, with one exception, and that is that I do know one couple who just finally decided (after two kids) that they really didn't like each other all that much, and went their separate ways, no stress or pain about it.  I don't often recommend this, for the kids' sake, but if your son is really no longer interested in Fiance but is determined to stay in the kids' lives, he doesn't have to stay in a romantic relationship with Fiance to stay close to the kids and be a good dad.

I also recommend counseling for him.  Despite all his duplicity, he sounds strangely passive, in that he just went along with the idea of kids when he really didn't know what he wanted in life or anything.  

I would certainly tell your son that you won't be part of telling lies to either girl any more.

[specialmom]

Oh boy, what an ugly story.  I'm sure this does not make you proud as a mother.  What a mess.  

I'll just say that he should try couples therapy with his fiance and try to work that out.  He has children and young ones at that.  And that should take precedence over anything else.  Sometimes when we have little kids . . . the grass can seem a little greener elsewhere.  But if a couple tries, they can reconnect and make it work.  And when you bring three kids into the world, they should give that a go.  Is therapy an option?  

You might want to tell him that statistically, a relationship with his girlfriend will not be long term because the break up rate for those who start a relationship prior to ending another almost ALWAYS fail.  There are different reasons for this with one of them being that your son would enter this new relationship as a cheater and a lyer.  That is not a great foundation.  

I think I would try to realize that your son is messing up his OWN life.  I'm sure it is hard to watch and you must worry tremendously about your grandkids.  I'd take them to visit you as much as possible and be part of their life giving it some routine and stability.  I'd let your son know that you are disappointed with  his choices and he needs to make better ones. But beyond that, he is in the driver's seat for what will happen.  I think if you suffer anxiety and depression, follow your doctor's orders and make sure it is treated successfully.  Otherwise, this will be very overwhelming.  But his life is not your life.  You must mentally seperate that.  

I wish you luck.  I feel for you.  Peace.