I met my boyfriend online in 2009 - I was coming off a bad time and our sex clicked almost immediately. It was casual sex and we were seeing other people. I was the first to say that I wasn't looking for a relationship, just a casual thing. So, after we would have sex, he would tell me about other women he was seeing and I was free to talk about other relationships i was involved in (all open); all this talking brought us closer and eventually, in Feb 2011, we got together in a monogamous relationship and we loved it.
The thing with our initial relationship - the talking mostly - was that all of that started to fall into our new relationship. He would talk about porn stars having charm even though they were ******, and loving big breasts, and older women. Before we started dating, he would say that my boobs wouldn't make him hard and nothing about my body would either, but sex would. He'd have a type of woman in mind when he masturbated to porn and it was far from me -- with my slight figure with average breasts and a big butt. I never mentioned my types of guys, just stories that would come from dates... maybe what they did for a living... maybe he was jealous of that kind of talk? Maybe talking about how he was attracted to features other than mine (including their noses!) was his jealousy knocking down my ego (admittedly, quite a big ego).
And then there's the "hottest" one he's had sex with (just once) -- he taught her guitar and he loves looking at her facebook page, where she would look foolish, but I guess sexy, pushing her massive chest and butt out. He brings her up in conversation and he looks at her facebook page constantly. Oh, and he has pictures of her doing yoga.
OK -- and then there's the porn thing... big boobs, milfs... for hours on end he can watch this stuff. And he's received plenty of pictures from very large women online of several of their parts. And he doesn't delete the naked pictures of large women from his gmail account. He's still on fetlife, but quit the more serious dating sites. and, i'm sneaky and i don't care -- i look at his history sometimes and i see how much porn he can consume... and it's a lot. He also messaged some girl on facebook about how attracted he used to be to her, but she wasn't receptive then... now he has a girlfriend, of course...
Is he using me as bait? So if we break up, the girls will all know he's boyfriend material and more desirable than he once was?
And back to the porn -- I was scared out of mind one night after being told by doctors that i needed a cervical biopsy. My best friend had to have a hysterectomy, so that was on my mind. I called my boyfriend-- he's a musician and was coming off a gig -- and I was upset and crying and he didn't have the words to comfort me. I wanted to stay on the phone, but he needed to go and wanted me to go to sleep.
We were talking about him jerking off randomly the next week -- he told me the last time he jerked off was that night. I was devastated. I felt all those things that I can't help feeling -- unwanted, resistible, inadequate. Alone.
So that was two months ago.
Since then, we're still in love and he loves me to the point of breaking out in tears whenever I'm sad over health issues or family stuff. We're in a temporary "living together situation" until November. He still looks at porn and I feel utterly unattractive to him. I know he loves me, but I don't fit his type and I LOVE being that type -- it's all a part of my ego -- I also LOVE having sex. LOVE it. Every kind of sex, too. And when I ask for it more than once a day, he balks and says he's not in the mood. That I'm crazy. I looked at his Internet history those times, just out of curiosity, and saw that he had jerked off minutes before he denied me.
He can't believe that I think he finds me unattractive. He loves me and has held a torch for me way before we started dating seriously. But maybe...
He, 25, just wants to be in a relationship with someone, 24, who acts like a 45 year old, standing by her man with his **** in his hand because that's what men do.
I need more sex, but maybe it's too much? Maybe I'm the one with the problem? Is more than once a day, seven times a week too much to ask for? Maybe he's not attracted to me, but attracted to the idea of a relationship, with a girl who likes to f*** and be romantic and be on his arm. Or maybe I'm too good for this situation, and can do better? Whose problem is impeding this relationship?