Boyfriend does not want children? I do?

[Sarawalsh]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We share a respectful, faithful and loving relationship. We do not live together. I am 23 and he is 26. We've had our ups and some very low low downs but we have managed to get through the hard times.  He works hard and long hours which puts a strain on our relationship because we only see each other about two times a week. Although this was difficult for me to understand at first, with the years I have realized that he needs to work as much as he does in order to pay his bills and pay for his mother's health bills.  He is my first love and I wish to get married to him and have children with him. We have talked about both of these topics but he is unsure about having children. I do not know if I want children or not but I need to have that option on the table. I do think about having a family one day -- but in my late 20s or early 30s (which he knows) I will be done with school in half a year and will hopefully be able to find a job afterwards. When we were younger we talked about marriage and said that we will seriously discuss everything after I finish school. In half a year we will have that conversation but I told him that if he does not want to have children - I will have to leave. He has 6 more months to think about it. In a way -- as much as I adore him, If he will not want to have children - I do not feel that he is 100% the man for me. I wish he was the man who wants children - but he is scard of the idea of kids and does not feel that paternal feeling in him in wishing to have children. (He grew up being raised by a single mother and never had a good male role model or any siblings in his life - I think it might have to do with his childhood in part) Am I being too harsh in putting this timeline? I do not know if I should wait longer for him to think about things. I know he wants to be financially stable before we would get married - so if we would get married it would be in a couple of years. But if he does not want to have children.... then wait for what? I do think I want to have a family one day.  Any advice? I want to be with him. Any of you in similar situations?

[specialmom]

Hello,  I know a couple in which the man wanted no kids and the woman wanted a family.  It was a bone of contention between them.  The eventually had one child.  The woman always wanted more and the man felt like he had already given her what she wanted.  She resented him.  They broke up.  Not saying that will happen here-----  but on important things like children----  it works best if a couple is on the same page.

Another friend of mine felt unsure if she wanted kids and her boyfriend at the time was sure he didn't.  They married.  They've been married for for 15 years now and my dear friend tells me privately that she wished she HAD had children and feels she has missed out.  She isn't angry that she agreed to what her husband wants but is sad for the outcome.  Again, it is best to be on the same page.

Lastly, I do disagree with one thing.  Having children young is great but having them later is great too.  I was a professional woman with a wonderful career.  I had my children in my late 30's.  I was able to stop working to care for them as my husband and I were better established for me to do so and I could devote myself totally to them without any real distractions.  I'd gotten many things out of my system.   I have the wisdom that being older brings.  And of course I have lots of friends that are around my age with young kids.  So, if I decide to go back to work, I've got the education and professional background to do it.  I can always take care of myself and my children if I need to.  That is a nice secure feeling.  I only bring this up as there shouldn't be pressure to get pregnant because time is running out.  If you were 40, then okay.  But you aren't.  Do it all on your timeframe!!  But do it with someone that wants the same kind of life you do!  Take care and good luck.

[adgal]

When I met my husband neither of us was certain we wanted a family.  As things got more serious between us and we realized we wanted to be together permanently, I began to change my mind and realized it was in fact what I wanted.  I think my apprehension had to do with the fact that I had never before met someone I seriously wanted to spend my whole life with.  My now husband took a little longer to come around.  When he asked me to marry him I was at the point that I knew I wanted children with this man and told him so.  If he had not been in agreement, I think it would have been a deal breaker for me.  I did not put it as an ultimatum though, just explained why it was so important to me then gave him time to think it through.  It turned out he was afraid....afraid of being a good provider, a good father (he also did not have the best role model).  I am happy to say he did come around.  He was still not excited about the idea, but was open to it.  I am currently pregnant and we are expecting our little boy in just a few weeks.  He is so excited!!!  He has done a complete about face and this baby is changing his life in such a positive way.  

I think you have done the right thing.  No pressure, but explaining how you feel and allowing him to make the decision right for him.  The others are right...if he is opposed, then this is not the right man for you.  But you may be surprised and find he comes around.  Allow him to talk about his fears (which I will bet he has a lot of) and reassure him.  I am betting he comes around.  Good luck.

[iam1butterfly]

Harsh in giving him a timeline? ... it's no more harsh than his determination in not wanting children. It's a reality check. So, if having or not having children is a definite
deal-breaker in the relationship; then, yes... you do have an important decision to
make after you've completed your studies. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Sarawalsh]

Thank you for your responses. So then you guys all agree that I am not being too harsh in giving him this timeline and when we officially discuss everything after I am done with school - if he says no to kids - to walk away?

[teko]

I agree with rockrose. You have different goals and it sounds like he has a big fear of being financially burdened with a child. Not to mention you have been together all these years, yet have to wait for financial stability to take the plunge. You are not his top priority, finances are.  I do not think you are ever financially stable enuff to have children. I think you are wasting the best years of your life.

[applecanary]

Correction* I meant if he still doesn't want to have children and down the road you get pregnant, then you will be the "single mother", maybe not in the literal sense, but emotionally.

[applecanary]

When my parents married at age 18 and 21, they both agreed on not having kids. But, when i was talking about this with my mom she said i sounded just like her since i was saying I never wanted to have children. She said as the years go by it starts to feel like something is missing without a child. So, maybe you guys should agree on "someday" but maybe let him know that you'd like to enjoy your time together a long time before kids come into the picture. Perhaps he think that If he agrees on wanting to have children, that means right away or as soon as your married. I would stay with him and maybe you could indirectly show him the joys of having a complete family, mother, father and child. If he won't even consider it then maybe it is best your make your separate ways because even if you do have children (planned or not), you are going to become the "single mother". It's alot to think about, i wish you luck!!

[JackieMarie130]

My boyfriend told me he never wants kids either and i know i want a family someday. We are only in our early 20s. Just like your boyfriend, my boyfriend also had no male role model in his life. It's only his mom and his younger sisters. He says he doesn't want chiliden but he has a 6 year old sister and is great with her. I see how he is wish his little cousins and its so cute. He will play games with them, he helps his sister out with anything. Got her ready for school a few times. I saw this and i told him "you know you are really great with kids i think someday you will be a great father" and now he does think about having just 1 kid ( i want 3) but he did change his mind once i comoplimented how great of a father i think he would be. Do you see him around kids? Is he good with kids? Give him some encourgement, maybe he just think hes going to be a horrible dad.

[Sarawalsh]

RockRose,

Thank you for the reply.

My bf said he is seriously thinking about the idea of children because he knows what will happen depending on his answer. I am glad that he is seriously thinking about it taking in consideration that our relationship is really good. I am wondering however if any ladies married men who did not want children or were really scared of the idea of kids but their husbands ended up being great fathers. If my boyfriend says he wants children with me = that is great. I just hope that if he says yes to a family he will be a good father in the end - i do not know how he will be with kids. He is very scared of them - I know it sounds silly but he stays away from kids.

[RockRose]

Sara,  if you want to have a family and he doesn't, this isn't a match.  You're wasting your time.  With his background - a single child of a single mother,  he probably really does know that with his upbringing,  he doesn't have a favorable impression of having children.

This is your call.  This is a guy who has different goals in life than you do,  and if you want to live a childless life,  he sounds like a match.  But if you want children,  he isn't a match.

Don't wait until your 30's to have children.  It gets difficult with each passing year,  for women who have never had a successful pregnancy,  to conceive and have a child.  Waiting until 33 or so GREATLY dims your chances to slim to none.